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"Alaska Airlines"

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Glockdude1, Nov 8, 2002.

  1. Glockdude1

    Glockdude1 Federal Member CLM

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    "Alaska Airlines"

    I was flying to San Fransisco this weekend, and the stewardess reading
    the
    flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other
    like
    "what the f---?" (Getting Seattlepeople too look at each other is an
    accomplishment). So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and
    typed up
    what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm
    sure,
    but this is most of it.

    Before Takeoff

    Hello and welcome to Alaskaflight 438 to San Fransisco. If you're
    going
    to San Fransisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to
    San
    Fransisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to
    tell
    you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The
    most
    important safety feature we have aboard this plane is... The Flight
    Attendants. Please look at one now.

    There are 5 exits aboard this plane, 2 at the front, 2 over the wings,
    and
    one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit
    rows,
    please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really
    bad
    idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.
    Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that
    the
    need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have
    pretty
    blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the
    exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the
    exit
    rows.

    In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop
    down
    over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight
    attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen
    there, I
    promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is
    acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your
    mask
    first. If you are travelling with two or more children, please take a
    moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first,
    and
    then work your way down.

    In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety
    features
    of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own
    personal
    summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please
    take
    it out and play with it now.

    Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low
    and
    tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into
    the
    buckle. To release, it's a pully thing - not a pushy thing like you're
    car
    cuz you're in an airplane, hello!

    There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no
    smoking
    in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we
    will
    assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we
    provide.
    There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing
    exit.
    We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight, hold on, let me
    check
    what it is... ....... Oh here it is, the movie tonight is Gone with
    the
    Wind.

    In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to
    get
    really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be
    a
    good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button
    turns
    on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless
    you
    absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

    We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for
    choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If
    there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't
    hesitate to ask.

    If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing
    ovation wouldn't you?

    After landing...

    Welcome to the San Fransisco International Airport. Sorry about the
    bumpy
    landing. it's not the captians fault. It's not the co-pilot's fault.
    It's
    the Assphault. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the
    gate.
    At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plain to the gate. So
    please don't even try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins
    because
    shift happens."


    ;N
     
  2. NVGlock

    NVGlock Present

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    Just gotta love those "fly by night" comedians, especially when they've got a captive audience!;Q ;a
     

  3. Rebeldon

    Rebeldon

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    There was a Puerto Rican stewardess about a year ago that had me laughing to tears. She did the whole safety routine in very rushed Spanish. Nobody understood her. If I wasn't wearing my seat belt I would have been rolling in the isle.
     
  4. Mr. Slithers

    Mr. Slithers M.F.I.C.

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    thanx i needed the laugh;f ;a
     
  5. Dogman

    Dogman Getting Senior

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    This is what happens to people's brains when they live in Alaska. All that indoor dark time just does something to them.
     
  6. gartchen

    gartchen

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    This is one of my favorite parts of flying this line. Always good for a laugh and much better than the canned garbage on all the others.

    lol
     
  7. carebear

    carebear Da Bear is back

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    Why do you think the Eskimo on the tail is smiling? ;f
     
  8. bustedknee

    bustedknee The Snowflakes have invaded GT

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  9. Glockdude1

    Glockdude1 Federal Member CLM

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    bustedknee,

    The symbol of the alaska airlines, is a smiling face of a eskimo on the tail of the aircraft.

    ;N
     
  10. WolfmanGK

    WolfmanGK Super Plump

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  11. blue-tonic

    blue-tonic Thats My Bush!

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    That was the funniest thing I have read in a while. I was hitting my fist on the desk and my mouse got in the way. It ended up taking it's own flight. ;f ;a ;i
     
  12. carebear

    carebear Da Bear is back

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    Legal pot went away in 86-87 as I recall. Feds made it a prereq for highway funding.
     
  13. MooseJaw

    MooseJaw NRA Lifer CLM

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    That's no Eskimo..

    ;W That's Johnny Cash!!

    ;Y
     
  14. Glockdude1

    Glockdude1 Federal Member CLM

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    Johnny Cash?????????????????

    Speaking of smoking pot............

    ;N