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"Airline Humor"

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Glockdude1, Dec 12, 2004.

  1. Glockdude1

    Glockdude1 Federal Member CLM

    Joined:
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    Location:
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    "Airline Humor"

    All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the
    in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
    Here
    are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
    * On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant

    crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
    altitude
    and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort
    and to
    enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."


    * Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen,
    if
    you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing
    and
    if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."


    * On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of

    your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure
    it's
    something we'd like to have."


    * There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4

    ways out of this airplane"

    * "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
    enjoyed
    giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

    * As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan

    airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
    WHOA!"


    * After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
    Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please
    take
    care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing
    like
    that, sure as hell everything has shifted."


    * From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest

    Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
    into
    the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt;
    and,
    if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in

    public unsupervised."


    * "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
    descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
    over
    your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your
    mask
    before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
    small
    child, pick your favorite."


    * Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
    clouds,
    but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
    remember,
    nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

    * "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the
    event
    of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
    with our
    compliments."

    * "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
    belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the

    flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."


    * And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines
    is
    pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
    Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"


    * Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
    Salt
    Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That
    was
    quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
    it
    wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the

    flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."


    * Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
    on
    a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
    Captain
    was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
    Flight
    Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
    remain
    in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis
    what's
    left of our airplane to the gate!"


    * Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
    landing:
    "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
    the
    terminal."


    * After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant
    came
    on the horn, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
    Capt.
    Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
    against
    the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells
    are
    silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
    wreckage
    to the terminal."


    * Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like
    to
    thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
    the
    insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
    tube, we
    hope you'll think of US Airways."


    * An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
    hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
    policy
    which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
    passengers
    exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He
    said
    that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
    passengers
    in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally

    everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a
    cane.
    She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,

    Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did
    we
    land, or were we shot down?"

    AND MY FAVORITES,

    * A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
    a
    comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the

    intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
    Welcome to
    Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
    ahead
    is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
    Now
    sit back and relax . . . OH, MY GOD!"
    Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back
    on
    the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
    you
    earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally

    spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my

    pants!"

    A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see
    the back of mine!!!!!"


    ;N