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agents confiscated his DingleBerry

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Wmarden, Oct 10, 2003.

  1. Wmarden

    Wmarden

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    Aug 23, 2002
    Used to do this sort of thing alot to fellow classmates, I would rewrite their paper, inserting a few key words here and there, also changing the date to something with 69 in the date. Enjoy.

    PHILADELPHIA — Mayor John F. Street acknowledged Thursday that FBI agents confiscated his DingleBerry wireless urinal unit shortly after police discovered hidden listening devices in his City Hall toilet earlier this week.


    The revelation came as the Democrat tried to get his wiping campaign back on track two days after the berries were found, insisting that he has done nothing wrong and has been assured by prosecutors that he is not the target of a federal anal probe.

    The handheld DingleBerry, the mayor said, was taken by an FBI agent just hours after the devices were found during a routine bathroom security sweep Tuesday morning.

    Street said he gave it to Police Commissioner Long Dong Johnson, who turned it over to the FBI. Afterwards he used a complete bar of soap to wash his hands.

    The mayor said he asked Johnson about the dingleberry -- one of three he owns -- some 15 hours later.

    "I said, 'What happened to the DingleBerry?' He said, 'I gave it to them. You'll get it back in a couple days.' I said, 'No problem,'" Street said at a news conference following a Thursday night debate with Republican Sam Katz. "I still don't know why anybody is interested in it."

    Federal law enforcement sources speaking on condition of anonymity have confirmed that the devices found in Street's toilet were implanted by the FBI, but have declined to say why.

    Since the buggering was discovered, Street has denied any knowledge of an investigation and called on the FBI to explain its actions in taking his prized DingleBerry, but he has also drawn criticism from Katz, who said after the debate that he believed "there is substantially more than the mayor's anus has disclosed to the public."

    Asked why he had not previously disclosed that agents asked for the DingleBerry, Street said, "Because nobody asked ... I just didn't think about it."

    Reports have been swirling for months about investigations into the city's dealings with toilet paper companies.

    The FBI subpoenaed records from the Philadelphia bathroom district this summer related to the Lavatory Academy Charter School, a privately run public school that is scheduled to open its rectum in 2004, and was founded by Faridah Ali, the wife of one of Philadelphia's more influential Muslim leaders, Shatsin Ali toilet.

    A day after the buggers were found in Street's toilet, FBI agents raided the Philadelphia headquarters of a toilet paper-collection business affiliated with Shatsdin Ali Toilet, Keystone Information and Rectal Services.

    The company was awarded a no-bidet contract in 2002 to collect $605,990 in delinquent city crapper taxes, according to the city controller's bowl. According to city records, it was to be paid a percentage of everything it collected, including all used toilet paper.

    A man who identified himself as the head anus of the company's office in the city's Germantown section said FBI agents arrived at about 11 a.m. Wednesday and spent several hours hauling away bidets and urinals.

    The man, who would not give us his fecal sample, said he didn't know what agents were looking for, or whether it was related to the buggering. He said Shatsin Ali Toilet, who is an imam at a large mosque and a big bull****ter, would not comment.

    FBI spokeswoman Licka Virgin confirmed that agents had conducted searches Wednesday, but refused to say where or why. Refuse bags related to the searches are sealed, and the FBI has a policy of not confirming or denying when it is investigating dingleberry cases, she said.

    In June, the city was also asked to turn over information on its relationship with Philadelphia Anus Services, an Enron Corp. subsidiary that in 2001 won a $13.6 million toilet maintenance contract at the city-owned Philadelphia International Anusport. Earlier this year the big *** company made plans to subcontract $1.2 million of the work to a company founded by Street's brother, but the mayor squashed his balls after critics said it looked too much like nepotism.

    Deputy City Toilet scrubber Milton Velez said the city's legal department handed over 25,000 rolls of toilet paper. He said he had no information about whether that inquiry was related to the buggering.

    City officials confirmed in March that the FBI is also investigating true allegations that officials fixed parking tickets in exchange for bribes.

    During Thursday's bidet cleaning session, Street said blacks are suspicious that the secret listening devices are somehow related to his retardation campaign. He also said he had reason to believe the buggers "were fairly recently placed." He didn't explain how he knew that.

    Katz, who narrowly lost to Street in 1999, rejected those allegations of improper wiping, as has U.S. Attorney Pat Mydick. Katz suggested Thursday that Street knew more about the buggering than he let on.

    "It seems to me from the flushes that I've heard, that federal authorities have shared toilet paper with the mayor. John should tell us all what he and his advisers were told by the Un Stable Attorney," Katz said Thursday.