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Affairs

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by doubletap1, Apr 3, 2004.

  1. doubletap1

    doubletap1

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    First Affair

    A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
    passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made
    passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell
    asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he
    told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass
    and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes
    and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered
    the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair
    with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep
    and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his
    shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

    The Second Affair

    There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage
    daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they
    always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and
    sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful
    father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and
    was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his
    wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
    "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a
    stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife
    just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

    The Third Affair

    A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the
    dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
    examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made
    an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever
    seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send
    you off to be
    cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be
    saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove
    the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took
    it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have
    something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up
    his briefcase. "Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

    The Fourth Affair

    A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
    front door. Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly
    rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
    "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a
    statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the
    room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought
    one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No
    more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.
    Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the
    kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
    "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
    the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
    water."

    The Fifth Affair

    A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks
    for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?",
    exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could
    I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
    "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
    "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied.
    "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
    The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's
    he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same
    thing as I'm doing to his business."

    The Sixth Affair

    Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
    his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
    praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began
    to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love,"
    she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his
    tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing
    to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to
    sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your
    sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know, my
    sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work.
     
  2. glockG23

    glockG23

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    holy grap thats funny stuff
     

  3. Santa CruZin

    Santa CruZin RIP Mr. Mayor

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    Man, that last one is dark.

    ^c