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absolute worst horrible terrible clean joke contest...

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by m1911a1, Oct 11, 2006.

  1. m1911a1

    m1911a1

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  2. pizzaaguy

    pizzaaguy

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    A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, spots a good place to stop for a beer. As he approaches the bar, and sees a big sign on the door that says,

    "NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

    Hummm, Thinking this is a bit strange, he enters and sits down.

    The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, looks him over and says
    "You smell some kind of nerdy".

    He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."

    As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him "Why did you do that". The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The Nerds are in season because they are overpopulating this whole Silicon Valley. And Hey, "You don't even need a license."

    So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

    He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away. Believing he is doing the right thing, the truck driver reloads his gun. While Preparing to shoot a bunch more of them little nerdy guys, a highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of his car screaming at him, STOP!!! STOP!!!

    "What's wrong officer? I thought nerds were in season."

    "Well, sure," says the patrolman,

    "But the limit is one per day, And you can't BAIT EM !!"
     

  3. Blitzer

    Blitzer Cool Cat

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    The Green Ping-Pong Ball (An Original Style Shaggy Dog Story)

    Jason Dias sent this old tale. Thank you.

    John was born in 1932, the son of Jane and Marty Himmelhausen. He lived in the tiny village of Grundelsberg, North Carolina, with his twin sisters, both named Jean [they were a pair of Jeans, you see] and his brother, Jacob.

    His earliest years were uneventful until his third birthday was on the horizon. His parents asked him what he would like for his birthday, and he said he wanted a green ping-pong ball.

    John expressed no real disappointment when his birthday finally arrived; it seemed he had forgotten about the green ping-pong ball, because he was just delighted with his new teddy bear, and life continued as normal.

    John's fourth birthday was approaching when his parents asked if there was anything he would like. "Yes, mummy," he said. "I want a green ping-pong ball."

    Again, his parents dismissed this request as the random prattling of a child, and got him wheeled ducky on a string. John had many hours of fun towing this vehicular mallard around the house and the yard, yelling, "Quack! Quack!" In fact, he played with it daily until he entered school at the age of seven.

    His sixth birthday now approaching, the now-traditional question and answer session caused some worry for his parents, as John didn't seem to be outgrowing this annual obsession with the green ping-pong ball. The previous year they had given him his first tie; the year prior had been a pocket-knife, and his fifth had seen a child-sized Indian headdress so he could play cowboys and Indians with his brother. His parents shook their heads at each other. They decided to ignore it, as before, and bought him a toy truck.

    Discretion being the better part of valor, for the next few years his parents didn't ask little Johnny - who was quickly growing out of the 'little' appelation - what he wanted for his birthday. They simply got him whatever they thought would interest him, and he seemed generally happy. Eventually, John entered his teen-aged years.

    His father, Marty, decided John had probably had time to outgrow his ping-pong ball phase, just before John's 18th birthday. So, warily, he asked John what he wanted for his birthday. Naturally, the reply was, "I'd like a car, Dad, one of those 1951 Chevrolets."

    Marty breathed a premature sigh of relief as John continued, "And a green ping-pong ball."

    Well, John didn't get the car or the ping-pong ball, but he did get one paid semester in college, which John seemed to really appreciate. He took a job waiting tables at the local greasy spoon and soda counter to pay his way from then on out. Each year, near his birthday, he received a card in the mail asking if he needed anything for his birthday, and each year he wrote back that he was doing fine, didn't need anything, but he really wanted a green ping-pong ball.

    Each year, his parents sent money, instead. John never complained.

    John got a job as the manager of a restaurant back in his home town of Grundelsberg, NC, and eventually opened his own restaurant, much classier than the greasy spoons and truck stops he was used to. And each year his parents asked, and each year he replied.

    John grew old in that restaurant, and his body reflected his growing prosperity. As one restaurant became two, then three, then a dozen, John and his waistline grew more and more prosperous. But never did he see that green ping-pong ball.

    John had children of his own. He named them Isabelle, David and Marty (after his father). His wife, Angelique, made him very happy. And all the while, year after year, he asked for and never received the green ping-pong ball of his dreams.

    John's parents died in 1986. John was shattered, but not shocked. He attended their funeral and had them interred in the family plot, supported by his twin sisters and his brother, Jake.

    Many birthdays passed. His siblings and he grew closer together after the deaths of their parents and as they entered old age themselves. Each year, his siblings w ould ask what he wanted for his birthday, and each year they would receive the same answer: a green ping-pong ball. Usually, they sent gift certificates or just a card, and John never, ever complained. His children took up asking the same question once they became adults in their own right.

    And time, being inexorable, took John's wife and his three siblings, and John watched his own children, heirs to a massive restaurant franchise, begin to grow old themselves.

    Finally, John, at the age of 96 years, lay on his deathbed, just two days before his 97th birthday. It was a changed world in 2028, one he barely recognized anymore. His son, Marty, trying to be optimistic, asked, "Dad, what do you want for your 97th birthday?"

    "Son," he replied, "All I ever really wanted was a green ping-pong ball. My parents never gave me one, my brothers and sisters never did, your mother never would, and not even my kids ever got me a green ping-pong ball. All I want before I die is to hold it in my hands: one lovely, smooth, green ping-pong ball."

    Marty frowned at this, and asked, "But Dad, why in the world do you want a green ping-pong ball?"

    "Because. . ." said John, and then he died.
     
  4. Mathurian

    Mathurian Joyous Reaper

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    That is terrible!:laughabove: :laughabove:
     
  5. GlockWurst

    GlockWurst ...Est. 1968

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    A guy goes out jogging with his Golden Retriever. They're not out more than 15 minutes before the dog gets struck by a car.

    Luckily, the dog seems OK, but the guy doesn't want to take any chances, and stops into a veterinary clinic that happens to be across the street from where it all happened.

    The dog gets seen right away. "What's wrong with your dog?" asks the vet.

    "He was hit by a car," the guy says, "and though he seems OK, I wanted you to do some tests to make sure he hasn't had any internal damage or anything."

    "OK," says the doctor, who leaves the room, and returns with a black Labrador retriever. The Labrador sniffs around the Golden for a minute, and then leaves the room.

    "Your dog is fine," says the vet. "Nothing wrong with him."

    The Golden's owner thinks this is odd, and is not convinced.

    "Um, do you think you could do another test," he says. "Something more uh, medical, or something."

    "OK," the doctor says, "even though I'm convinced your dog is fine from the first test, we'll do another."

    The doctor leaves the room, and returns with a big, fluffy persian cat. The cat sniffs around the Golden for a few minutes, and walks out of the room.

    "Well, that confirms it!" says the doc. "Your dog is in top health."

    The guy has had enough. "You're a quack, and a nutjob on top of it," the guy says, and starts to leave the office. "I'm taking my dog somewhere where people know what they're doing!"

    He starts to leave the building, but the receptionist calls out after him: "Sir, how do you plan on handling your $750 bill?"

    "Bill ??!!" the guy bellows, "$750 bill for WHAT exactly ??!!"

    "It's $422 for the Lab test, and $328 for the Cat Scan."






    :banana:
     
  6. Blitzer

    Blitzer Cool Cat

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    My Days as a Landlord, and How They Ended (long)

    This was posted on alt.callahans by Stark Night (aka Sean Roberts).

    Starknight looks up from his drink. "I have a confession to make; I was once in jail in Derry. The story of how it came about, though, is interesting...

    "You see, one of my relatives (a 3rd cousin twice-removed on my mother's side of the family) was a landowner in Ireland. He had a small dairy, some pasture lands, and about 10 acres of crops. All in all, a nice little family business, except that he had no family, being a confirmed bachelor. So, when he died, the farm came back to the family.

    "Now, somehow this distant cousin knew of me, and decided that I would be the perfect choice to handle the disposition of his estate. Personally, I think he liked my name. So I travelled to Ireland, to look at the farm and see what kind of assets Paddy had to distribute. Arriving at Derry, I asked for Paddy O'Brien's farm, and was directed there by a helpful milkmaid.

    "When I got to the farmhouse, I was greeted by an elderly gentleman with graying red hair and merry blue eyes. 'Welcome to O'Brien Manor,' he said. 'I am Darby, the houseman.' He proceeded to introduce me to the rest of the household and farm staff, and showed me to the office which Paddy had built on to the back of the house."

    Starknight pauses to take a refreshing drink from his rum and Coke. "Ah, that's better... Clear those yiors from my throat. Where was I? Oh, yes, just going into the office. Anyway, I spent the next two days going over the financial situation, which was bleak. The dairy equipment needed to be upgraded, the farm was deeply in debt, and the house mortgaged to the hilt. Clearly, I was going to have to liquidate everything in order to pay off Paddy's debts.

    "However, I was a bit concerned about how the staff was going to take the news. The best way to break it to them, I thought, would be to take them all to a pub in Derry and tell them over a few drinks that they were going to be out of work. So we packed them into the farm truck and headed into town.

    "In a pub called The Green Bough, we all sat down and had a few pints of ale. I really didn't want to tell them, but I knew I had to do so, and I managed to stand up and blurt out a few words before giving each of them their walking papers. At that, however, a constable who had been drinking in the corner got up and approached the table. Taking out his handcuffs, he affixed them to my wrists while pronouncing, 'Yer under arrest, laddie - come along quietly!'

    "Believe me, I was much surprised when the judge sentenced me to thirty days in jail for discharging an Eire farm within city limits..."
     
  7. Blitzer

    Blitzer Cool Cat

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    Asimov Shaggy Dog

    This shaggy dog was written by Isaac Asimov.

    Monty Stein, in the year 3047, committed quite a heist and made off with quite a tidy sum. He was eventually caught, and the judge sentenced him to seven years imprisonment. However, the night before his impending incarceration, he calmly set his time machine for seven years and one day, and stepped through.

    When he emerged in 3054, there was quite an uproar. Prosecution maintained that Monty Stein never actually served the sentence, since effectively no time passed for him. Defense stated that the effect was basically the same, since he lost seven years of living in society, or something to that effect. Both sides called each other names (as lawyers are wont to do).

    Eventually, Stein was set free. Some say that the judge succumbed to peer pressure; others said that he simply couldn't resist the temptation. For his decision, in full, was:

    "A niche in time saves Stein."
     
  8. Trebuchet

    Trebuchet Sláinte !

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    Why do seagulls live by the sea?






























    If they lived by the bay, they would be called bagels.
    :rofl: :banana: :rofl: :banana:
     
  9. jim2037

    jim2037

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    A string walks into a bar and orders a drink.
    The bartender snaps and says "Get lost! we dont serve strings in here!
    So the string walks outside and ties himself in a bow and roughs up his hair. He walks back into the bar only to be accosted by the bartender agian. "Arent you the same string that was just in here?"

    "Why no" said the string
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    "Im a frayed knot."

    You said terrible right?

    Jim
     
  10. vafish

    vafish

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    Someone's going to have to draw me a picture for that joke with the guy and the green ping pong ball.

    I've read it 4 times now and I just don't get it.
     
  11. BexarWolf

    BexarWolf Got Milk?

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    :laughabove: That's even funnier than the joke itself :rofl: :animlol:
     
  12. BexarWolf

    BexarWolf Got Milk?

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    What do you name a dog with no legs?
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    It doesn't matter. He's not going to come when you call him.


    What do you do with a dog with no legs?
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    Put him on a leash and take him for a drag.:dog:
     
  13. citori59

    citori59 Lock Guru

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    ok, I hate to type so I'll just give you the punch lines. Figure out the jokes for youselves.

    Silly rabbi, kicks are for trids.

    No, it were the first day for me hook.

    I left my harp in sandplants disco.

    And my personal favorite, It wasn't chewing gum?
     
  14. lethal tupperwa

    lethal tupperwa

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    A group of Wealthy Chinese businessmen walked into a house of Ill Repute said to be able to accommodate Any taste.

    The spokesman said that they required a young woman at least 6 ft tall weighing 110 lbs.

    Then they spoke the magic words "price is No object".

    A search of the whole Country was made and in Austin Texas such a woman was found.

    A great deal of money changed hands and the woman was flown to the guys private island.

    The woman was bathed in scented oils and given a filmy cloak fastened with a single button.

    She was led in to the great hall and placed in the center of the room.

    She was lit by a soft colored spotlight.

    In walked the man holding a small six year old girl by the hand.

    They approached the woman and the man said to the little girl.











    If you don't drink your milk that's what you are gonna look like.
     
  15. shu

    shu Millennium Member

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    A skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop.
     
  16. Big DAWG #383

    Big DAWG #383 Run Fred, Run

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    Two Goldfish are swimming around in thier tank. One Goldfish says to the other "so what are you doing next wednesday?"
     
  17. lordjim_2001

    lordjim_2001

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    I head one as: I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco.


    From Family Guy:

    A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "Hey, did you hear the one about us?"
     
  18. aspartz

    aspartz

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    On that note:
    "You cheap schmuck, I put in a check for the full amount!!!"
     
  19. milkdud

    milkdud

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    Baseball season is here again. Eric Gagne returned to the field last night. He did fine but the Dodger's lost.

    Reminds me of a game in Milwaukee several years ago. The Brewers had a pitcher named Mel Famey and he was great. The Dodgers were to play the team and knew they probably wouldn't win against Famey.

    The Brewers were so sure they would win they threw a big party for themselves the night before the game. Famey was so hungover for the game he lost to the Dodgers. As they left the park, one of the Dodgers looked at the overflowing garbage cans full of beer cans and asked, "Is that the beer that made Mel Famey walk us?"

    :rofl:
     
  20. lethal tupperwa

    lethal tupperwa

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    I left my harp in stan frand's disco"