Abbott and Costello's "Who's On First" Meets the 21st Century NOTE: If you are too young to know who Abbott & Costello are, this won't be near as enjoyable. You really need to remember the facial expressions. ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows? COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office. ABBOTT: Office for Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I use? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in "office" is "office." ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows"? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W. COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big blue W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet? ABBOTT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it? ABBOTT: RealOne. COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three, and four. Can I watch reel four? ABBOTT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great! With what? ABBOTT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOTT: You click the blue 1. COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOTT: The blue 1. COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W? ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"! ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words. COSTELLO: And that word is the real one? ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office. COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get? ABBOTT: Just one copy. COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal? ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money. COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money? ABBOTT: Why not? They own it. COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money? ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago. COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: You sell money? ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free. COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting? ABBOTT: Simply Accounting. COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated. ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for? ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business. COSTELLO: I beg your pardon? ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know -- accounting? You do it with money. ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more. COSTELLO: More money? ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything. COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data? ABBOTT: GoBack. COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my compute crashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend? ABBOTT: GoBack. COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself? ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack. COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal. ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word -- the Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in . . . Oh, never mind. *click* ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me?