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Abbott & Costello meet the 21st Century

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by pesticidal, Feb 17, 2004.

  1. pesticidal

    pesticidal Eh? CLM

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    Abbott and Costello's "Who's On First" Meets the 21st Century

    NOTE: If you are too young to know who Abbott & Costello are, this won't be near as enjoyable. You really need to remember the facial expressions.

    ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.

    ABBOTT: Your computer?

    COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.

    ABBOTT: What about Windows?

    COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

    COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

    ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

    ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?

    COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

    ABBOTT: I just did.

    COSTELLO: You just did what?

    ABBOTT: Recommend something.

    COSTELLO: You recommended something?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: For my office?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

    ABBOTT: Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I use?

    ABBOTT: Word.

    COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?

    ABBOTT: Word.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office.

    COSTELLO: The only word in "office" is "office."

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows"?

    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

    COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big blue W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

    ABBOTT: RealOne.

    COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

    ABBOTT: RealOne.

    COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three, and four. Can I watch reel four?

    ABBOTT: Of course.

    COSTELLO: Great! With what?

    ABBOTT: RealOne.

    COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

    ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.

    COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

    ABBOTT: The blue 1.

    COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

    ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

    ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

    COSTELLO: It is?

    ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

    COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

    ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part
    of Office.

    COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.

    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge?
    How much money do I get?

    ABBOTT: Just one copy.

    COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

    ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

    COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

    ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.

    COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

    ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

    COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: You sell money?

    ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

    COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

    ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.

    COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

    ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

    COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

    ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.

    COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

    ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

    COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know -- accounting? You do it with money.

    ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

    COSTELLO: More money?

    ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.

    COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

    ABBOTT: GoBack.

    COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my compute crashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

    ABBOTT: GoBack.

    COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

    ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

    COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

    ABBOTT: Word.

    COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

    ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word -- the Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: But there's three words in . . . Oh, never mind. *click*

    ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me?