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A Stupid Person's Guide To Life

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by glockchick35, Jul 13, 2003.

  1. glockchick35

    glockchick35

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    Are you a stupid person? Do you find day-to-day life hard? Do you wish life had an instruction booklet? Do you wish your brain had an owner's manual? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you've come to the right place.

    Here, you'll find most of the information you need to live life day by day without inadvertently maiming yourself. Read carefully. Carry out each instruction to the letter.

    * Don't eat rocks.

    * Don't take naps in the road.

    * Don't stoke fires with your fingers.

    * Don't throw a brick straight up.

    * Don't breathe car exhaust.

    * If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.

    * For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.

    * Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

    * Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.

    * The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.

    * If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you're traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.

    * If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don't do it with your head.

    * Don't flip off the Mafia.

    * If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.

    * Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.

    * Light birthday cake candles from back to front.

    * Don't shave with a lawn mower.

    * Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them.

    * Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.

    * Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what's inside.

    * The warning "Don't try this at home" really means "Don't try this at all."

    * Don't bathe in a tub full of snow.

    * Don't iron clothes while wearing them.

    * The expression "Life in the fast line" should not inspire you to live in the road.

    * Don't eat hot coals.

    * Don't escape in to jail.

    * Don't wash floors with cough syrup.

    * Don't kick porcupines with bare feet.

    * Don't sled down hills with interstates at the bottom.

    * Sell at most one of your kidneys.

    * Don't lie down in a cattle pen.

    * Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.

    * Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.

    * Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.

    * Don't snap towels at passing cops.

    * Don't throw an angry cat straight up.

    * Don't lick dry ice.

    * Before you leap upside down onto a trampoline, make sure it's right side up.

    * Don't pour salt in your eyes.

    * Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.

    * Don't microwave yourself.

    * Don't chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.

    * Don't swallow toothpaste.

    * Don't chew Tylenol.

    * Don't bathe in gasoline.

    * Don't sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump.

    * Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.

    * Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.

    * Don't listen to music from the Spice Girls.

    * Don't lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.

    * Don't go swimming in a well.

    * Rake leaves, not people.

    * Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.

    * Contrary to popular opinion, you're not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in.

    * If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it's free.

    * Don't kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots.

    * Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window -- use the stairs.

    * When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.

    * Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.

    * Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.

    * Elvis is dead. Get over it.

    * Wear clothes.

    * Use a pot holder when removing items from the oven.

    * If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.

    * Don't drink.

    * Don't drive.

    * Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.

    * Don't brush your teeth with a wire-bristled sanding wheel.

    * When using a weed whacker, don't hold the end with the wire.

    * When using a blow gun -- something you should always have a very good reason for doing anyway -- draw your breath before placing your lips around the barrel.

    * No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

    * Give me all your money.

    * When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

    * Toasters should be used to cook bread, not your hands.

    * Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.
     
  2. Rebeldon

    Rebeldon

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    Very funny! Here's a few more:

    *Do not take a bath and blow-dry your hair at the same time.

    *Use tongs when removing a stray frenchfry from a vat of hot grease.

    *Do not skateboard on the roof of your house.

    *Do not try to kiss a Doberman through a wrought-iron gate.

    *Do not cross the fense at the zoo.

    *When erecting a concrete tilt wall, stand beside it, not behind it or in front of it.

    *Do not lick the edge of the envelope.

    *Do not keep coral snakes as pets.

    *Do not reach into a dumpster to lift out a racoon.

    *Do not drink the water from the nozzle of a pressure washer.

    *Do not push over a row of Harleys.

    *Do not check the bore of a muzzle loader with a Bic lighter.

    *Do not drink alcohol and take barbiturates at the same time.

    *Do not approach Tony Stewart with a recorder or camera.

    *Do not handle a squirrel fish.

    *Do not boat near a waterfall.

    *Do not eat the little white packets that have "Do not eat" written on them.

    *Do not run into a mosque during services waving an Israeli flag.

    *Do not get a Swastika tatoo.

    *Do not yell "fire" in a crowded theatre.

    *Do not use motor oil for cooking grease.

    *Do not golf in a lightning storm.

    *Do not surf the storm surge of a hurricane.

    *Cook your bacon before you eat it.

    *When in Mexico, do not offer to buy a beer to a Mexican girl at a local cantina.

    *Do not try to ride an alligator.

    *Do not curse God while you are rock climbing.

    *Do not burn an American flag in Daytona during Bike Week.
     

  3. Ronny

    Ronny Good Guy

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    Why not buy a pretty girl a beer? Seems harmless enough to me.
     
  4. vallopez2000

    vallopez2000

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    Here's a few more.

    *Don't wiz on an electric fence.

    *Don't cuss out your dentist right before he works on your teeth.

    *Don't go into a biker bar and yell, "Club Sodas for everyone".

    *Don't give a bear a hug.

    *Don't fry bacon while you're naked.

    *Don't hang around with anyone who has ever said, "After the third
    try, I managed to light my cigarette from the muzzle flash of my
    shotgun."
     
  5. Nowhere Man

    Nowhere Man

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    I haven't done at least 50% of those things.
     
  6. Rebeldon

    Rebeldon

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    You just do it then! But then expect her eight brothers to show up immediately and tell you have just publically dishonored their sister by buying her a drink, unless of course, you plan marry her.
     
  7. okie

    okie GT Mayor

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    Listen to that one;P ;m
     
  8. frettedfive

    frettedfive KE5BSR

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    Words to live by if I've ever heard them!

    BTW, okie, I sure hope you didn't learn that one from personal experience...;G

    Mickey
     
  9. JMag

    JMag

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    If your caffeine fix doesn't get the wake-me-up job done in the morning, this exercise is certain to do the trick! Just don't mix your sausage with the bacon...;P