A New Look At Healthy Living

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Eddie C., Oct 9, 2002.

  1. Eddie C.

    Eddie C. CLM

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    Feb 21, 2002
    State of Confusion
    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste
    them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
    will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
    of your car by driving it
    faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
    corn. And what are these?vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
    efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
    Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
    source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
    100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

    Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

    A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we
    all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
    animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not
    animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only
    leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your
    liquid vegetables.

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

    A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
    one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise

    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good.

    Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

    A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of mind. If
    you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

    A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
    fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for

    Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

    A: Thicker gravy.

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the

    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
    only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

    A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best feel good
    food around!

    I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food
    and diets.

    Have a great day and by the way...have a cookie... flour is a veggie!
  2. AC37

    AC37 SystemicAnomaly

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    Dec 12, 2000
    Provo, UT
    ROTFL!!! Great stuff!!! ;f ;a ;i

  3. jhfenton

    jhfenton Evil Marathoner

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    Mar 18, 2002
    Norwood, Ohio
    Sorry, Eddie, I thought we were kindred spirits.

    Now I'm disillusioned. I think I'll go for a run to cheer myself up.