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A Mothers Dictionary

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by okie, Jul 26, 2003.

  1. okie

    okie GT Mayor

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    Location:
    Muskogee Ok.
    AIRPLANE

    What Mom impersonates to get a
    1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.


    ALIEN

    What Mom would suspect had invaded her house
    if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.


    BABY

    1. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
    2. Dad, when he gets a cold.


    BATHROOM


    A room used by the entire family,
    believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.


    BECAUSE

    Mom's reason for having kids do things
    which can't be explained logically.
    CARPET

    Expensive floor covering used to
    catch spills and clean mud off shoes.


    CARPOOL

    Complicated system of transportation where Mom
    always winds up going the furthest with the biggest
    bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.


    COOK

    1. Act of preparing food for consumption.
    2. Mom's other name.



    DATE

    Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy
    worrying about the kids in a different setting.


    DRINKING GLASS

    Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.


    DUST

    Insidious interloping particles of evil that
    turn a home into a battle zone.


    DUST RAGS

    See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."



    EAR

    A place where kids store dirt.



    EAT

    What kids do between meals, but not at them.



    EMPTY NEST

    See "WISHFUL THINKING."



    ENERGY

    Element of vitality kids always have an
    oversupply of until asked to do something.


    "EXCUSE ME"

    One of Mom's favorite phrases,
    reportedly used in past times by children.


    EYE

    The highly susceptible optic nerve which,
    according to Mom,can be "put out" by anything
    from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.


    FABLE

    A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.


    FOOD

    The response Mom usually gives in
    answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?"
    See "SARCASM"



    FROZEN

    1. A type of food.
    2. How Hell will be when Mom lets her daughter
    date an older guy with a motorcycle.



    GARBAGE

    A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns
    to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.


    GENIUSES

    Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.



    HAMPER

    A wicker container with a lid,
    usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.



    HANDI-WIPES

    Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.


    HANDS

    Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw
    with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water
    immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.



    HINDSIGHT

    What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.



    HOMEMADE BREAD

    An object of fiction like the
    Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.


    ICE

    Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
    INSIDE

    That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom
    has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.


    "I SAID SO"

    Reason enough, according to Mom



    JACKPOT

    When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.


    JEANS

    Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just
    about any occasion, including church and funerals.



    "JEEEEEEEEZ!"

    Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else
    you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?"


    JOY RIDE

    Going somewhere without the kids.


    JUNK

    Things belonging to Dad.



    KETCHUP

    The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom
    spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.


    KISS

    Mom medicine.



    LAKE

    Large body of water into which a
    kid will jump should his friends do so.



    LEMONADE STAND

    Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar,
    lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice
    for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.


    LIE

    An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's
    papier-mache volcano science project into a
    Nobel Prize-winning
    experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.


    LOSERS

    See "Kids' Friends"



    MAKEUP

    Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look
    better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."



    MAYBE

    No.



    MILK

    A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink
    once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.


    "MOMMMMMMM!"

    The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.



    MUSH

    1. Main element of Mom's favorite movies.
    2. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.


    NAILS

    A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never
    have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn
    modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.


    OCEAN

    What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids,
    assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and
    several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

    OPEN

    The position of children's mouths
    when they eat in front of company.



    PANIC

    What a mother goes through when the wind-up swing stops.



    PENITENTIARY

    Where children who don't eat their vegetables or
    clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
    PETS

    Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so
    Mom will have someone else to clean up after.



    PIANO

    A large, expensive musical instrument which,
    after thousands of dollars worth of
    lessons and constant harping by Mom,
    kids will refuse to play in front of company.



    PURSE

    A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she
    can never find because they're buried under tissues,
    gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food
    restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list,
    and several outdated coupons.



    QUIET

    A state of household serenity which occurs
    before the birth of the first child and
    occurs again after the last child has left for colledge.


    RAINCOAT

    Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered
    ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or
    because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."



    REFRIGERATOR

    Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.




    ROOM MOTHER

    A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed
    on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.




    SCHOOL PLAY

    Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure
    from watching offspring stumble through
    coarse reenactment of famous historic events.




    SCREAMING

    Home P.A. system.



    SNOWSUITS

    Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped
    and snapped performs two important functions:
    Protecting children from the cold, and
    reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.



    SUNDAY BEST

    Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric
    which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.



    TEACHER CONFERENCE

    A meeting between Mom and that person who
    has yet to understand her child's "special needs."



    TERRIBLE TWO'S

    Having both kids at home all summer.



    TRAMP

    A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.



    TROUBLE

    Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.



    VITAMINS

    Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to
    swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot
    to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."



    WALLS

    Complete set of drawing paper for kids
    that comes with every room.



    WASHING MACHINE

    Household appliance used to clean blue jeans,
    permanent ink markers, loose change,
    homework, tissues, and wads of gum.





    "WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME"

    Standard measurement of time
    between crime and punishment.



    XOXOXOXO

    Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already
    embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.




    ZUCCHINI

    Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried,
    or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.