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A Medical Twist

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Enoch, Nov 6, 2003.

  1. Enoch

    Enoch

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    Aug 16, 2003
    Colonoscopy comments
    A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

    1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
    2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
    3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
    4. "Oh boy that was sphincterrific!"
    5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
    6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
    7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
    8. "You put your left hand in!,you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
    9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
    10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
    11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
    12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
    13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

    =====================================

    Out of the mouths of doctors.................

    A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed
    my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
    Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
    ----
    At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
    patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths" I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
    ----
    One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died
    of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting
    to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
    ----
    During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that
    he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch.” The nurse told
    me to put on a new one every six hours and now. I'm running out of places to put it". I had him quickly
    undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
    Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch
    before applying a new one.
    ----
    While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been
    bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about
    twenty years--when my husband was alive."

    ----
    I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this
    morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to
    the taste," the patient replied.
    I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly."
    ----
    A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female
    pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit
    of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this
    exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.
    He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
    She replied, "No doctor,
    but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."
    Unknown
    ----