A letter to the pets/rules for non-pet owners who come to our house and complain:

Discussion in 'Woof Memorial Critter's Corner' started by The Pontificator, Jun 14, 2005.

  1. The Pontificator

    The Pontificator Angry Samoan

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    Sep 18, 2000
    Dear Beloved Pets:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
    The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
    because I fall faster than you can run.

    I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
    about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

    Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
    It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

    For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
    If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.

    Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline
    attendance is not mandatory.

    The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
    butt. I cannot stress this enough!

    To return the kindness of your obedience, my dear pets, I have posted
    the following on our front door so visitors to our home know what the rules are here:

    Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and
    Like to Complain About Our Pets

    1. They live here. You don't.

    2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
    (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

    3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

    4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted children who are short, furry and walk on all fours. Although they don't speak clearly, they communicate extremely well, especially my cats.

    5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called (this does not apply to cats), never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college. Also, if they get pregnant, you can sell the children!
  2. Ender

    Ender ComfortablyNumb

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    May 20, 2001
    i had to stress this to a girl i know...she dated my friend...years ago. moved outta state, then came back, and doesn't know anybody 'cept for him. so he came over, and she tagged along. apparently she is scared of big dogs, also ;f

    so she comes in and starts whinin...omg, there is hair ALL OVER the couch, i CAN'T sit there...and tries to sit in MY chair. i politely say, "sorry...thats my chair." :)

    she starts whining some more, and i suggest she bring a kitchen chair into the room. then, on and off for a while, i hear about the pup sniffing her and such, mainly doing what pups do!

    after a bit, i turned around and said, "look. this is her house. that is her couch. YOU are in HER house."

    she shut up for the rest of the movie, but...for some reason, hasn't been back since.

    i've been meaning to have a talk with him about manning up and telling her he doesn't even like her....but....that has been years coming! ;f

  3. Glockgirl26


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    Aug 30, 2004
    I have to agree. Except for the fact that my cat actually does come when she's called.:)
  4. SouthernGal

    SouthernGal What's Up Dox?

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    Jun 18, 2004
    NW MS
    This is a portion of an Ann Landers Column which proudly sits on my refrigerator at home right beside my Ann Landers column "The Childless Couple".
  5. S2nd

    S2nd One happy cat

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    Jan 28, 2003
    CA. Yeah, I know...
    ;z ;z ;z

    Great stuff!!!

    What do you mean cats don't come when called? All I have to do is turn on the can opener and it's like two lightning bolts ;f ;f
  6. fastvfr

    fastvfr Ancient Tech

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    Mar 28, 2001
    SW Oregon
    I love that one! Mostly because I am half of one...;f ;a ;f

    For those who have not had the pleasure...

    "There is nothing sadder than a childless couple. It breaks my heart to see them relaxing around swimming pools in Florida, sitting all suntanned and miserable on the decks of their boats -- trotting off to Europe like lonesome fools. It's an empty life. Nothing but money to spend, more time to enjoy and a whole lot less to worry about.

    The poor childless couple are so wrapped up in themselves, you have to feel sorry for them. They don't fight over the child's discipline, don't blame each other for the child's most obnoxious characteristics, and they miss all the fun of doing without for the child's sake. They just go along, doing whatever they want, buying what they want and liking each other. It's a pretty pathetic picture.

    Everyone should have children. No one should be allowed to escape the wonderful experience that accompanies each stage in the development of the young -- the happy memories of sleepless nights, coughing spells, tantrums, diaper rash, debts, "dipso" baby sitters, saturated mattresses, emergencies and never-ending crises.

    How dismal is the peaceful home without the constant childish problems that make a well-rounded life and an early breakdown; the tender, thoughtful discussions when the report card reveals the progeny to be one step below a moron; the end-of-the-day reunions with all the joyful happenings recited like well-placed blows to the temples.

    Children are worth it. Every moment of anxiety, every sacrifice, every complete collapse pays off as a fine, sturdy adolescent is reached. The feeling of reward the first time you took the boy hunting -- he didn't mean to shoot you, the lad was excited. Remember how he cried? How sorry he was? And how much better you felt after the blood transfusion? These are the times a man with a growing son treasures -- memories that are captured forever in the heart and the limp.

    Think back to the night of romantic adventure when your budding daughter eloped with the village idiot. What childless couple ever shared in the stark realism of that drama? Aren't you a better man for having lived richly, fully, acquiring that tic in your left eye? Could a woman without children touch the strength and heroism of your wife as she tried to fling herself out of the bedroom window?

    The childless couple live in a vacuum. They fill their lonely days with golf, vacations, range trips, dinner dates, civic affairs, tranquility, leisure and entertainment. There is a terrifying emptiness without children, but the childless couple are too comfortable to know it.

    You just have to look at them to see what the years have done: He looks boyish, unlined and rested; she's slim, well-groomed and youthful. It isn't natural. If they had had kids, they'd look like the rest of us -- worn out, wrinkled and exhausted."

    Great thread, Pont!!