A Joke for St. Patrick's Day

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Eddie C., Mar 17, 2004.

  1. Eddie C.

    Eddie C. Administrator Moderator CLM

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    I know this joke should go in "The Lighter Side" and I will move it there later. I just wanted everyone to have a chuckle on a day in which all of us "have a bit-o-the-Irish in us". Enjoy:

    An Irish Joke for St. Patrick's Day

    Shamus was sitting at a bar enjoying a pint of his favorite ale when Ian saddles up next to him and orders a pint of the same brew. Shamus turns to him and says "Tis a bit of gold in that drink, dontcha think?" "Yes, it tis my favorite" shot back Ian. "Oh I've loved this stuff since I was a lad down on Kilarney Street in the the point Bluff area where I grew up" said Shamus. "You don't say!" said Ian, "Why I meself grew up in that very same neighborhood." "Oh, you wouldn't be lying to me, would you dear sir?" said Shamus. "No I wouldn't" said Ian.

    "Where might you of gone to school?" said Shamus. "Why in St. Mary's on Donovan Road" said Ian. "OH Glory Be!" Shamus piped in. "The very same school in which I attended I say" "What year did you graduate in?" asked Ian. "Why in the year of our sweet Lord Nineteen Hundred and sixty-four" chimed in Shamus. "Erin go braugh, glory be! that's the same year in which I left that same glorious school meself!"

    "What might be your name sir?" asked Ian. "Why my name would be Shamus, and yours?" asked Shamus. "It'd be Ian". "Glad to make your acqaintance!" they both said in unison as they shook each others hands and hugged.

    Just then a gentleman walks up to the bar after witnessing this spectacle and orders a pint of the very same ale. The bartender looks at him as he sets the brew down in front of him and says "Drink up good sir, tis going to be a long night, the Murphy twins are drunk again!"


    Eddie O'cellini
     
  2. k8ysv

    k8ysv Thecakeisalie.

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    Eddie, thought I'd throw one in here as well:


    Paddy O`Monaghan had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night celebrating his patron Saint's day.

    Mick, the bartender says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy"

    Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins round on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

    He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takea a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.

    "I'm fookin`loaded," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, crawls to the door and shimmies up the frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

    He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fookin`way". He crawls up the stairs to the bedroom door and says "I can mek it to the bed".

    He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fook it!" and drags himself into bed.

    The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

    Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fookin`sloshed. But what meks you say that?".

    "Mick called. You've left your wheelchair at the pub."


    (this one came from me Irish aunt!)

    O' Jeff
     

  3. gwalchmai

    gwalchmai Lucky Member

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  4. gemeinschaft

    gemeinschaft AKA Fluffy316

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    Ok, I'll bite. Not sure if its appropriate for the forum:


    What's the difference between Martin Luther King Day and St. Patrick's Day?





















    On St. Paddy's day everyone wants to be Irish.
     
  5. Fraser

    Fraser Millennium Member

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    Happy St. Patrick's Day!

    And my daughter, being in Dublin today, will surely put away a pint or two of stout ale.
     
  6. lethal tupperwa

    lethal tupperwa

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    Old Irish Jokes------ tis the season
    An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each
    order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three
    flies
    buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

    The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another
    pint.
    The Irishman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

    The Scotsman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his
    fingers and
    shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

    *******************************************

    An Irish Fight Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like
    he'd just
    been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his
    face is
    cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

    "What happened to you?"; asks Sean, the bartender.

    "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

    "That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
    must have
    had something in his hand."

    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
    lickin' he
    gave me with it."

    "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself.
    Didn't you have something in your hand?"

    "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
    it was,
    but useless in a fight."

    **************************************************
    **************

    Irish Cemetery
    Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from
    the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past
    the old
    graveyard..

    "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave,
    God
    bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

    "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says
    here that
    he was 95 when he died."

    Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be
    145!"

    "What was his name?" asks Paddy.

    Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else
    is
    written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."


    *************************************************

    Irish Predicament
    A drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a
    Catholic
    Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

    The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits
    there.
    Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

    The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
    either."

    **************************************************
    *

    Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning
    service, and
    she's in tears.

    He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

    She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
    last
    night."

    The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any
    last
    requests?"

    She says, "That he did, Father..."

    The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

    She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'"


    __________________
     
  7. mhambi

    mhambi κολασμένος

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    from my other thread...


    An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
    The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

    So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

    The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

    The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

    The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

    The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

    The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
     
  8. Alex_Knight

    Alex_Knight

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    ~1 ~1 ~1
     
  9. Eddie C.

    Eddie C. Administrator Moderator CLM

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    I'm laughing so hard, I'm crying. Those are great guys. Bwahahahaha!;i
     
  10. ChuteTheMall

    ChuteTheMall Wallbuilder and Weapon Bearer

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    > ===============================================

    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from
    the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all
    over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the
    driver, where have ya been?"
    "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
    "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to
    drink this evening."
    "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
    "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his
    arms across his chest,
    "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
    "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I
    thought I'd gone deaf."

    > =====================================================

    Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
    Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
    "I've somethin' to tell ya".
    "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's
    my husband?"
    "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an
    accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
    "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
    "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
    Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
    "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout
    and drowned."
    "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least
    go quickly?"
    "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."


    ..........................;c
     
  11. okie

    okie GT Mayor

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    Thats a good one Eddy. Thanks for posting;f ;f ;a
     
  12. Eddie C.

    Eddie C. Administrator Moderator CLM

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    You're welcome okie!;f
     
  13. The Pontificator

    The Pontificator Angry Samoan

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    Why did the Irishman cross the road?

    To pass out in the other ditch.
     
  14. method

    method

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    St. Patrick's day... the day where everyone is a little bit Irish, except of course, for the gays, and the Italians.
     
  15. noway

    noway

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    What do you call a Irishman 7 course meal ?





























    a 6 pack and a potatoe.
     
  16. The Pontificator

    The Pontificator Angry Samoan

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    Is your real name Dan Quayle? ;f
     
  17. BigBigMike

    BigBigMike Aum Shinrikyo

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    Q: Why did God make whiskey?

    A: So that the Irish wouldnt take over the world!
     
  18. Matt Bracken

    Matt Bracken

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    An Irishman is never truly drunk, as long as he can hold on to a blade of grass to keep from falling off of the world.

    [​IMG]