The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." And the best one... If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.