A few I liked.....

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by who me?, Dec 26, 2003.

  1. who me?

    who me?

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    Nov 20, 2003
    Central Illinois
    A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.

    Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

    "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

    "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

    "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

    "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

    "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

    Here's some old Chinese Proverbs for ya.

    -Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

    -Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

    -Man with one chopstick go hungry.

    -Man who scratch azz should not bite fingernails.

    -Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

    -Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

    -War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

    -Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

    -Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

    -It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

    -Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

    -Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

    -Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

    -Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

    -Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

    -Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

    -Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on Earth

    A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.

    This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

    On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

    The CEO, walks up the guy and asks - “And how much money do you make a week?”

    Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $200.00 a week. Why?”

    The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - “Here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

    Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - “Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”

    With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - “That was the Pizza delivery guy”.

    There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband insisted on shutting off the lights.

    Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.

    She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device. She gets completely upset.

    "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

    The husband looked her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids."

    Three mothers go to see a psychologist with their children.

    The psychologist looks at the mothers and tells them that their obsessions can be found in what they named their children.

    He looks at the first mother, and says "I know you're obsessed with money, because you named your daughter Penny."

    Next he tells the second mother "I know you're obsessed with alcohol, because you named your daughter Brandy"

    Suddenly, the third mother looks at her son and says "Come on Dickie, we've gotta get out of here."

    A man went to a guard/attack dog training facility with the hopes of acquiring a guard dog.

    After explaining his needs, the owner of the facility told the man he had exactly the dog for him.

    They went out to the pens and came first on a large Pit Bull, which was trying to chew his way out of the chain link fence and growling fiercely.

    "Is this the one?" asked the buyer.

    "No, too gentle" replied the owner.

    On to the next cage, where a very large Rotweiler was fiercely barking and growling.

    "This must be the one" said the buyer.

    "No" replied the owner, "Too tame and mild tempered."

    The next cage contained a very large mixed breed dog laying there calm as could be and licking his azz.

    "This is the one" said the owner.

    "This dog is just laying there licking his azz" replied the buyer.

    " I know" said the owner," But he just got through eating a lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

    A woman has been in a Coma for the past month.

    One day two nurses go into her room to give her a sponge bath.

    While washing around her "private area", one nurse notices a response on the heart monitor when he touches the woman.

    The nurses walk out of the room to go talk to her husband about what just happened.

    "It sounds crazy, but I think a little oral sex will bring your wife out of her Coma" one nurse tells the woman’s husband.

    "We'll close the curtain in the room so you two will have some privacy, c'mon, its worth a try."

    The nurses leave the man in the room, draw the curtains and leave them alone. Pretty soon the heart monitor flat lines and the warning buzzer goes off at the nurses desk.

    Running into the room, the nurse saw the man standing beside the woman, pulling his pants up.

    "What happened?!" the nurse asked.

    The man answered, "I don't know, but I think she got choked."

    A man goes to a bar & orders a glass of Pepsi.

    The bartender says, ”Come on buddy, don't be such a wimp, drink some tequila with us“.

    The guy says, “No thanks, I drank so much tequila last Friday with you guys I wound up going home & blowing chunks half the night.”

    The bartender says, “Don't worry about it, everyone gets sick every now & then, you just gotta get back on the horse.”

    The guy says, “You don't understand....my dog’s name is Chunks.”
  2. who me?

    who me?

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    Nov 20, 2003
    Central Illinois
    A blonde and brunette are walking down the street together when they pass a flower shop.

    Brunette: D@mn, my husband is buying me flowers for no reason again!

    Blonde: Why is that such a bad thing?

    Brunette: Because now I am going to have to lay on my back with my legs in the air for two weeks.

    Blonde: What's the matter? Don't you have a vase?

    A big woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar.

    She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

    The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

    At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

    The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

    She turned again to the patrons and pointed around at all of them, revealing her hairy armpit, and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

    Once again, the little drunk slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

    The bartender approached the little drunk and asked, "Say, it's your business of course if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

    The drunk replied, "Sir!, To me, any woman who can lift her leg that high must be a ballerina!"

    A lady picked up several items at a discount store.

    When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

    Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,


    That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."

    In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom.


    As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

    Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"

    The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

    The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

    A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

    The wife asked, "What the heck are you doing?"

    The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

  3. who me?

    who me?

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    Nov 20, 2003
    Central Illinois
    A girl was home from her freshman year in college for Christmas. She considered herself very liberal and was trying to argue politics with her father who was a staunch Republican. Her father finally cut her off mid-sentence and the conversation went a little something like this...

    "Honey what's your GPA?"

    "4.0" responded the daughter.

    "How did you do it?"

    "Well, I show up to class every day, don't party, and sometimes have to stay up all night studying just to keep up."

    "I see, how about your friend Mary, how's she doing?" the father asked.

    "Well, she's not doing very well, she's got a 2.0"

    "How did that happen?"

    "Well, she doesn't show up to class often, and when she does show up, she's late. She's constantly partying, drinking, sleeping around, and doesn't do her studying." the daughter said.

    "OK dear, seeing as how she's in so much trouble, when you return to school, I want you to go straight to the Dean's office and tell him that you want to take 1 point off of your GPA and give it to Mary so that she will have a 3.0 and so will you."

    "No way Daddy, that's not fair to take away my hard work and give it to someone who didn't earn it" the girl retorted.


    At Heathrow Airport, a 300-foot long red carpet stretches out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth II.

    They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they then board an open 17th century coach pulled by six magnificent white matching horses.

    They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Brits.

    So far everything is going well.

    Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earthshaking, eye stinging, acrid blast of flatulence ever heard in the British Empire and so powerful, that it shakes the coach.

    Uncomfortable, but under control, the two Dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

    But, embarrassed, the Queen decides it's impossible to ignore it. "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things not even a Queen can control."

    Ever the Texas gentleman, the President replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses!"
  4. who me?

    who me?

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    Nov 20, 2003
    Central Illinois
    One day my housework challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

    "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

    He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

    And they say blondes are dumb....
    A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

    The woman says, "I'll miss you....."
    "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

    "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
    He said - "Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly."

    She said - "Well, you succeeded."
    He said - "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave to you?"

    She said - "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."
    Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

    A: A rumor.
    A man and his wife, now in their 60's were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple, she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
    Woosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hand.

    The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger. Woosh! Immediately he turned ninety!!!!!!!!!

    Gotta love that fairy!
    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

    Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

    Her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
    A PRAYER.....

    Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man,
    Love to firgive him;
    and Patience for his moods.
    Because, Lord, if I pray for Stength,
    I'll beat him to death!
    ZIPLOC BAGS are male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

    SHOES are male, because they are usually unpolished, with their tongues hanging out.

    PHOTOCOPIERS are female, because once turned off, they take a while to warm up.

    TIRES are male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

    HOT AIR BALLOONS are male, because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under them and, of course, there's the hot air part.

    SPONGES are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

    THE SUBWAY is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

    AN HOURGLASS is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

    HAMMERS are male, because they haven't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but they are handy to have around.

    A REMOTE CONTROL is female ... Ha! You thought I'd say "male."But consider this: it gives men pleasure, they'd be lost without it, and while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep on trying.

  5. who me?

    who me?

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    Nov 20, 2003
    Central Illinois

    Corporate Lesson 1 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on" After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" Moral of the story: I! f you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

    Corporate Lesson 2 A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. the priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in ! your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

    Corporate Lesson 3 A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one. " "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

    Corporate Lesson 4 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

    Corporate Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

    Corporate Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the Stories: 1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

    If my spam were any indication of who I am, I am an overweight, balding man with a very small ***** that I cannot manage to make erect, with a very high home mortgage interest rate, who is quite interested in seeing the Paris Hilton sex videos...

    The story of Onestone the Indian Brave.

    This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle.
    After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

    Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest there he shagged her all day, he shagged her all night, he shagged her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

    The word got around that Onestone meant business.

    Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after many years away. Yellow Bird who was Blue Bird's cousin was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone."Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he shagged her all day, shagged her all night, shagged her all the next day, shagged her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't

    The moral of the story is you can't kill two birds with one stone!

    A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My pxnxs is orange."

    The doctor pauses to think, then asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's pxnxs isn't orange!

    The doctor tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life." Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"

    The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.

    The guy responds, "No, the boss was a real ********. I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week, and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job, and the boss is a really great guy."

    So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?"

    The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys’ stress.

    But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. Darn, am I glad to be rid of that old bxtch!"

    So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

    The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some porno flicks, and munch on Cheetos".


    Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

    Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

    Men are like.....Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.

    Men are like.....Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose

    Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

    Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not sure why.

    Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head
    right for your thighs.

    Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you
    up all night long.

    Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

    Men are like.....Department Stores. Their clothes are always half off.

    Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

    Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are
    usually wrong.

    Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of

    Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

    Men are like.....Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how
    many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

    Men are like.....Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

    Men are like.....Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest
    are handicapped.
  6. who me?

    who me?

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    Nov 20, 2003
    Central Illinois
    Wife: Oh, come on.

    Husband: Leave me alone!

    Wife: It won't take long.

    Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

    Wife: I can't sleep without it.

    Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

    Wife: Because I'm Hot.

    Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.

    Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

    Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

    Wife: You don't love me anymore.

    Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

    Wife: (Sob-Sob)

    Husband: Alright, I'll do it.

    Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

    Husband: I can't find it.

    Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

    Husband: There! Are you satisfied?

    Wife: Oh, yes, honey.

    Husband: Is it up far enough?

    Wife: Oh, that's fine.

    Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window
    open, do it yourself.

    The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving jobs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS.

    Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

    Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

    So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"

    A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything. She had been to several doctors and nothing has worked. One day she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend, "works wonders on anyone".

    The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "remember those headaches I have been having all of these years? Well, they are gone. No more headaches!"

    The husband asks, "What happened?"

    His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do no have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache.' Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone."

    The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

    His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last several years. Why don't you go to se the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that."

    The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but he agrees to try it. Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He rips off her clothes, puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps on the bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

    His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful."

    The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later for round 2 with his wife even better than the first time.

    The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "This is really great!"

    Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom. This time his wife follows and sees him through the open crack in the door standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's NOT my wife."

    A small boy gets lost at a large shopping mall. With a worried look on his face, a policeman approaches him and the boy cries out to the officer "I've lost my grandpa!" The policeman smiles and askes, "What's he like?" And the boy replies, "Jack Daniels & Women With Big T1ts!"
  7. who me?

    who me?

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    Nov 20, 2003
    Central Illinois
    In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

    Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

    "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

    "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?!".

    Somewhere in the deep south Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

    "Yes, Bubba, that's true." answered the lawyer.

    "And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries--is that true, mister lawyer?"

    "Sure is, Bubba, but why do you ask?"

    'Cause I was thinkin'--maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been waken' up with."

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

    So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and added a semen sample to the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get

    Thank you for shopping at WalMart

    Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The Coroner called the police to tell them what had happened.

    "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

    "Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

    The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

    "Ah," says the Coroner, "This is the most unusual one......Billy-Bob, the redneck from Alabama, 30, struck by lightning."

    "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

    "Thought he was having his picture taken."

    A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals. My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said, "oh really, what kind of animals did you want?" The little old lady said "A mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it."

    One Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg.

    He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?" "I know" a little boy exclaimed, waiving his hand in the air. "Pantyhose!"

    A little girl asked her grandma how old she was.

    Grandma answered, "39 and holding."

    The girl thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

    A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates.

    When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under 5."

    Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and friends had all gathered around the table for a big dinner, when the hostess asked her 6-year-old daughter to say the blessing.

    "I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied.

    "Just say what you hear Mommy say,", the woman said.

    The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on Earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
  8. 218

    218 Glock 'n Roll

    Likes Received:
    Jun 17, 2003
    Metro-Boston, Massachusetts
    Those were the best!

    Great postings everyone!^c
  9. toddler


    Likes Received:
    Oct 1, 2001
    North Carolina
    Deserves to be bumped up!