A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth." ________________________ Here's some old Chinese Proverbs for ya. -Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. -Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. -Man with one chopstick go hungry. -Man who scratch azz should not bite fingernails. -Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. -Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth. -War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. -Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. -Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. -It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. -Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. -Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. -Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. -Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. -Man who fart in church sit in own pew. -Crowded elevator smell different to midget. -Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on Earth __________________________ A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! The CEO, walks up the guy and asks - And how much money do you make a week? Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, I make $200.00 a week. Why? The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - Heres a weeks pay, now GET OUT and dont come back! Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here? With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - That was the Pizza delivery guy. ______________________ There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device. She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looked her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids." _____________________ Three mothers go to see a psychologist with their children. The psychologist looks at the mothers and tells them that their obsessions can be found in what they named their children. He looks at the first mother, and says "I know you're obsessed with money, because you named your daughter Penny." Next he tells the second mother "I know you're obsessed with alcohol, because you named your daughter Brandy" Suddenly, the third mother looks at her son and says "Come on Dickie, we've gotta get out of here." ______________________ A man went to a guard/attack dog training facility with the hopes of acquiring a guard dog. After explaining his needs, the owner of the facility told the man he had exactly the dog for him. They went out to the pens and came first on a large Pit Bull, which was trying to chew his way out of the chain link fence and growling fiercely. "Is this the one?" asked the buyer. "No, too gentle" replied the owner. On to the next cage, where a very large Rotweiler was fiercely barking and growling. "This must be the one" said the buyer. "No" replied the owner, "Too tame and mild tempered." The next cage contained a very large mixed breed dog laying there calm as could be and licking his azz. "This is the one" said the owner. "This dog is just laying there licking his azz" replied the buyer. " I know" said the owner," But he just got through eating a lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth." _____________________ A woman has been in a Coma for the past month. One day two nurses go into her room to give her a sponge bath. While washing around her "private area", one nurse notices a response on the heart monitor when he touches the woman. The nurses walk out of the room to go talk to her husband about what just happened. "It sounds crazy, but I think a little oral sex will bring your wife out of her Coma" one nurse tells the womans husband. "We'll close the curtain in the room so you two will have some privacy, c'mon, its worth a try." The nurses leave the man in the room, draw the curtains and leave them alone. Pretty soon the heart monitor flat lines and the warning buzzer goes off at the nurses desk. Running into the room, the nurse saw the man standing beside the woman, pulling his pants up. "What happened?!" the nurse asked. The man answered, "I don't know, but I think she got choked." _____________________ A man goes to a bar & orders a glass of Pepsi. The bartender says, Come on buddy, don't be such a wimp, drink some tequila with us. The guy says, No thanks, I drank so much tequila last Friday with you guys I wound up going home & blowing chunks half the night. The bartender says, Don't worry about it, everyone gets sick every now & then, you just gotta get back on the horse. The guy says, You don't understand....my dogs name is Chunks.