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Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by who me?, Jan 27, 2004.

  1. who me?

    who me?

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    Nov 20, 2003
    Location:
    Central Illinois
    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

    Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

    He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

    A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose look short."

    Love, Grandma
    ______________________________


    Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence who he don like at all. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other.

    Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou I'd come over dere an pass my fis by you jaw good, yeah!"

    Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses and Boudreaux's wife Marie say, "Now is you chance Boudreaux. Why don you go over dere an beat up Clarence lak you say."

    Boudreaux say "ok" and head for de bridge but when he get to de bridge he stop, look it over and he go back home. Marie say, "Why you back so soon?" and Boudreaux say "Mais Marie I don change my mind about beat up Clarence."

    "You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him from across de bayou but dey got a sign on dat bridge what say Clarence 13' 6"."
    ______________________________

    It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary" research I are proud to present my findings.

    REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
    With her consent.................................12 Calories
    Without her consent.......................2187 Calories

    OPENING HER BRA:
    With both hands...................................8 Calories
    With one hand....................................12 Calories
    With your teeth.................................485 Calories

    PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
    With an erection..................................6 Calories
    Without an erection......................3315 Calories

    POSITIONS:
    Missionary.......................................12 Calories
    69 lying down..................................78 Calories
    69 standing up..............................812 Calories
    Wheelbarrow.................................216 Calories
    Doggy Style...................................326 Calories
    Italian chandelier........................ 2912 Calories

    ORGASMS:
    Real............................................112 Calories
    Fake.........................................1315 Calories

    POST ORGASM:
    Lying in bed hugging.................................................18 Calories
    Getting up immediately.............................................36 Calories
    Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

    GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
    20-29 years........................................36 Calories
    30-39 years........................................80 Calories
    40-49 years......................................124 Calories
    50-59 years....................................1972 Calories
    60-69 years...................................7916 Calories
    70 and over........................Results are still pending

    DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
    Calmly................................................................32 Calories
    In a hurry.............................................................98 Calories
    With her father knocking at the door...........5218 Calories
    With your wife knocking at the door.........13,521 Calories

    Results may vary.