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Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies.

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Amelia, Feb 26, 2001.

  1. Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies.

    -It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

    -A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

    -If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

    -Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization

    -It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to
    attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

    -When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

    -No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

    -Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is
    their total opposite.

    -When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

    -You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

    -Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

    -An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child (or Alabama, to escaping convicts...)

    -Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

    Being responsible means sometimes pissing people off. Colin Powell
  2. Eagles1181

    Eagles1181 Flying High

    May 25, 2000
    The Great State of Texas
    Amendment (you forgot to mention a couple of thing)

    1. When paying a cab driver, you will always pull out the exact change needed, infact you are so sure of have the exact change you don't even have to look at it.

    2. Every plate galss window will have somebody thrown through it as some point.

  3. LEO2002


    Apr 11, 2000
    To add even more:

    The chain of command will never hold the hero from doing what he/she wishes.

    Neither will the laws of physics.

    If you are not the hero, and start hearing funny music, shoot yourself. At least that way you'll go quick.

    Having sex is a surefire way to get your partner killed.

    If you are related to or know an old lady who continually solves murder mysteries, you might as well off yourself. You'll end up dead soon anyway. (Ok, that was actually a tv series, but anyway...)

    I could think of more, but I really don't want to go off on a rant. And everybody wanders why I don't go the movies anymore...
  4. joegerardi

    joegerardi Millennium Member Lifetime Member

    May 18, 1999
    Savannah, GA, USA
    Some additions:

    Only in the movies can you find those wonderful "L" shaped sheets on a bed- You know, the ones that cover the ladies' tops but show men to the waist.

    And only in movies, will couples do the nasty for all to see in glorious technicolor, but when they get out of bed, drag the sheet along for modesty to answer the phone, even if alone.

    Only in the movies will people answer the phone "Yeah?" not "Hello?"

    Doing things with a 99% chance of dying in real life are reduced to a 40% chance in movies.

    Guns will never jam until the climactic battle.

  5. Zathras

    Zathras Millennium Member

    Apr 2, 1999
    Metro DC Area
    How about automotive mechanics? All cars start and run flawlessly unless the one trying to start the car is being pursued by a murderer/rapist, or the building is on fire, or the parent desperately needs to see little Johnny, who is in the emergency room...

    The police and the criminals have all the guns and other weapons they want or need, but law-abiding citizens are always unarmed -- particularly if they're about to be attacked (I find this one rather unsettling, to be honest, and I wonder about the motives of movie producers in this regard).

    Revolvers hold at least a dozen rounds of ammo; pistols usually hold twenty or thirty, and assault rifles, particularly AK-47s and M-16s loaded with the straight magazines, hold at least fifty or sixty.
  6. PeterJ87


    Sep 27, 2000
    Sawyer, MN USA
    See also:

    Every 2 minutes you MUST chamber a round in your pistol or shotgun, regardless whether you'd just done one or not. Most LEOs I know have one chambered right when they go to work.

    No matter how hot and heavy the nookie is, if they don't do the sheet drag, then the people always have on underwear. They get done, then throw on underwear and go to sleep.

    These are all I can do for now
  7. quake

    quake Millennium Member

    Aug 4, 1999
    Arkansas, USA
    From the 'Die Hard' movies:

    When three terrorists are shooting at you, instead of taking cover, it's best to drop to the floor and shoot rapid-fire while confusing them by impersonating a steam roller, rolling across the floor.

    The good guy will have all the ammo he needs for half a dozen gunfights; but will be down to two (full metal jacket, BTW) rounds when there are two bad guys left.
  8. Blev

    Blev Millennium Member

    Oct 11, 1999
    If you're the good guy/girl, you can be shot/stabbed/crushed/mangled/etc. in any part of the body but still manage to run/shoot/stab/fist fight/etc.

    If you're the bad guy, you will usually come back to life at least once requiring the hero to shoot/stab/etc. you again.

    [This message has been edited by Blev (edited 02-27-2001).]
  9. joegerardi

    joegerardi Millennium Member Lifetime Member

    May 18, 1999
    Savannah, GA, USA
    The hero can take the most horrific pulping from the bad guy without blinking and eye, and still dish it back, but will wince like a cowering child when the love interest applies a little Iodine.
  10. aspartz


    Oct 19, 2000
    Sandstone, MN 55072
    Or what I learned from the REAL Star Trek...

    The hero can successfully fight off an entire herd of bad guys simultaneously, but one on one he gets his butt kicked.

    And that's even IF he uses the double fisted "StarTrekPunch"

  11. PeterJ87


    Sep 27, 2000
    Sawyer, MN USA
    In Hollywood you never have to wear condoms or even talk about past partners. No one ever gets anyone pregnant unless it's ghetto moms, and no one ever wakes up the next day with a case of flaming pee.

    In Hollywood you can shoot a BG from 5' away with a .45 and he'll still come after you, but at 100 yards you can hit him with a .38 snubbie and drop him.

    Black people or whites/hispanics with identity crises always point their guns sideways.

    No one ever buckles up in Hollywood.

    For having no hammer, Glocks sure seem like Courtney Love in movies. They get cocked a lot.

    And hardly anyone ever lets out tears when they cry.
  12. All bombs are fitted with large easy to read red LED electronic counters so you know exactly when they're going to go off.


    Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. Wrong decisions only make the big red counter count down faster and eventually you will always choose the right one, usually when there is one second left.

    Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian military officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. [​IMG]

    One more I just thought of:
    Whenever something is typed into a computer, there is a beep with each keystroke.

    I'm NRA
    Proud to have voted Bush/Cheney 2000
    Beretta 9000s .40
  13. ExBoss


    May 13, 2000
    All computer monitors are so bright you can view the image relected in the hero's face.

    Super-secret government mainframes have passwords that you can guess if you just know something about the guy who wrote the software. ("His SON'S name, why didn't I think of that?")

    Super-secret high-tech government computers use fonts so large they can only display about 20 characters per line (an ADA requirement, perhaps?).

    For the Die Hard "Tape-a-Beretta-to-your-back" sequence -- heavy tape across the slide, frame, and barrel will not cause a nasty jam.

    Wheelhouse #127
    Lucky the Parakeet Memorial Fund Donor
  14. EOD3


    Oct 19, 2000
    Hey Steve, haven't you read the bomb builders code of conduct or the bomb builders union local 317 rule book. These things are all required. The last thing you'd want is for some TV hero to file a grievance.

  15. Silencers work on revolvers.

    If in a bar when a gun fight breaks out the big mirror behind the bar and the bottles stacked in front of it are where all the bullets go. (As a mater of fact I don't think you can have a gunfight in a bar with no big mirror.)

    After a gun battle and/or explosion you can still hear perfectly well.

    it doesn't mater how good a secret agent you are the bad guys all know your identity and all about you. (we meet at last mr........)

    and theirs nothing to worry about its.... JUST A FLESH WOUND

    I spent most of my money on Booze, Women, Guns and Motorcycles.
    I Wasted the rest!

    Niner #28
    Wheelhouse #130
    Bladerunner #13
  16. LEO2002


    Apr 11, 2000
    "'Tis but a scratch!"
    "A scratch? Your arm's off."
    "No, it isn't."
    "Well, what's that then?"
    "I've had worse."


  17. carbon_15

    carbon_15 1*

    Jan 10, 2002
    South Carolina
    "Walker Texas Ranger" ammendment

    If you overcome adversity, do something really great and people start saying nice things about you or throw benifit dinners in your honor...RUN
  18. MPD59


    May 16, 2000
    TV cops shoot someone every week and never get time off or FIRED! And how about writing reports?? If I had as many pursuits as Ponch & Jon, I'd be counting pencils in the supply room!!

    The BG or Monster will always pretend to be dead until the hero is hugging the woman in relief that it's all over.

    3000 rounds will be fired before the battle is decided in a hand-to-hand duel.

    It's OK for a cop to punch a suspect in the jaw as a part of the arrest.

    Police cars run Code 3 to the jail with the BG in the back.

    The only true way to determine if it's cocaine is to dip your pinkey in it and taste it.
  19. Dennis in MA

    Dennis in MA Get off my lawn

    Aug 16, 2001
    Taunton, MA
    "3000 rounds will be fired before the battle is decided in a hand-to-hand duel."

    I remember when Police Squad - Naked Gun did a take on this. Frank and some BG are trading shots for a while. Then the camera pans back and they are hiding on opposite sides of a 55gal drum. LOL
  20. Menehune


    Mar 28, 2000
    Middle GA
    Upon entering a house, and finding your friends dead, you will hear a sound in the next room. Then, it is mandatory that you investigate the sound.

    When fighting bad guys, your best friend will be killed. But, you will soon kill the bad guy and be happy. You will not be sad that your friend is dead.