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the various military ways of killing a snake

Discussion in 'Veteran's Forum' started by noway, Aug 25, 2004.

  1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

    Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

    Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

    Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Couldn't find snake. Back to base for crew rest and manicure.

    Ranger: Plays with snake then eats it.

    Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

    Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

    Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (Cooks, Mechanics, Clerks, etc....) are awarded Silver Stars.

    Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

    Marine Recon: Follows snake and gets lost.

    Combat Controllers: Guides the snake elsewhere.

    Para-Rescue: Wounds the snake in the first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snakes life.

    Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series FM about how to defeat snake using counter mobililty assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake operations. (Engineer School tries to hide the fact that M9 ACE proves ineffective against snakes).

    Special Forces: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, and then trains it to kill other snakes.

    Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

    Transport Pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.

    F-15 Pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

    F-16 Pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too hot also too cold, was clear but too overcast, too dry with rain, unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

    AH-64 Apache Pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

    UH-60 Blackhawk Pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

    B-52 Pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

    Missile Crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

    Intelligence Officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

    Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of profession
  2. Nicolai


    Jul 29, 2004
    Athens, Ga
    That list is hillarious.

    I can't tell you the joy we have gotten from running over countless snakes sunning themselves in the middle of a tank trail on Ft. Stewart. This quote could not be more true.

  3. mrwiggins

    mrwiggins lookout ladies

    May 31, 2004
    That is pretty gunny.
  4. kawalerzysta


    May 10, 2004
    Mt Pocono, Pa
    Which unit you were in Stewart?
  5. Nicolai


    Jul 29, 2004
    Athens, Ga
    My Army National Guard unit (48th In. Bde) trains almost exclusively at Ft. Stewart, and has for quite a while, but I was never active duty at Ft. Stewart.