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"The Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek"

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by StoneGiant, Dec 7, 2004.

  1. StoneGiant

    StoneGiant

    561
    0
    May 31, 2003
    Derry, NH
    "The Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek"

    Author Unknown

    10. Noisy doors.
    You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40.

    9. The Federation.
    This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it? And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here s an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.

    8. Reversing the Polarity.
    For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff... "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."
    Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.

    7. Seatbelts.
    Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some futuristic restraining device to prevent that from happening."
    So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's
    locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners...
    "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! However, there goes Kirk's torso!"

    6. No fuses.
    Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an inter-galactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuse less exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.

    5. Rule by committee.
    Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:

    Star Trek:
    Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
    Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
    Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And,
    it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
    Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something." Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior
    chubby."
    Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on
    them first."
    Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom
    and look pensive."

    Firefly:
    Captain: "Let's shoot them."
    Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
    Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
    Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"

    4. A Star Trek quiz:
    Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn' t coming back?

    3. Technobabble.
    The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a Quantum tunneling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice
    Channel for free.

    2. The Holodeck.
    I mean, it's cool and all, but do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for._ And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be:_ Having to squeegee the holodeck clean.

    1. The Prime Directive.
    How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator?_ Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne look-alikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom.
     

  2. Wasn't that the "PU238 Space Modulator"?;f
     


  3. Jeff S.

    Jeff S. Carson Valley

    1,610
    264
    Jun 28, 2003
    Bozeman, MT
    I'd take Star Trek ANY DAY over the new "reality" TV shows.
     
  4. Coltman2003

    Coltman2003

    32
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    Feb 26, 2003
    England
    Not ten, but a few things I "don't like" about Star Trek:-

    1) Enterprise

    2) Targeting the engines of an attacking ship, instead of blowing the badies ship up!

    3)Don't like the fact that DS9 isn't being made anymore.

    4)No fuses - every time the ship is attacked, half the bridge goes up in flames, frying some poor 'red shirt.'

    5)Troi stopped wearing cheerleader costumes in TNG season 6!

    6)Over use of the holodeck gone wrong plot, endangering the crew.

    7)No women in miniskirts in TNG!
     
  5. chiefscott1701

    chiefscott1701

    73
    0
    Oct 24, 2004
    My biggest Star Trek nit? Where are the guns? Glocks, Sigs, etc?

    I think "First Contact" proved my point. Picard fires phaser, kills borg. Fires phaser at another borg, kills him too. Then the Borg "adapt", and everytime the phaser is fired, they put up some Green energy dispersal field. Worf solved this problem by fighting hand-to-hand. Picard solved it by recreating an old gangster program in the holodeck, turning off the safeties, and loosing a Tommy gun on the Borg. So the Borg are susceptible to bullets? Why not carry Glocks?!?

    Also, why can't Phasers just spray a wide field of "stun". I've seen them set phasers to wide fields for various purposes before. So when you're being stormed by baddies and a fight breaks out, why not just stun everyone and then sort it out?
     
  6. The thing I hate about Star Trek is that with all that sensor technology they can't make a self aiming phaser. Think about it how tough would it be to combine a Tricorder and some servo's so you just point the phaser in the general direction of the BG, hit the button and they disappear?

    If we can have smart bombs you'd think that after a couple of hundred years of blowing people up we'd develop smart phasers.
     
  7. AMX

    AMX

    127
    0
    Feb 10, 2004
    Vienna, Austria
    Actually, there are poepole who claim that phasers have to be self aiming (because some of them have so bad ergonomics that you could hardly hit anything - even if they had sights, which most of them don't...)

    That's one of the things I hate about ST.
     
  8. saspic

    saspic Howdy Y'all! CLM

    497
    0
    Jan 20, 2002
    San Antonio
    Yeah! Should't the phasers have laser sights, too? I mean, they're not perfect for conventional firearms, but since phasers shoot light beams, the laser light should show exactly where the phaser will go.;E
     
  9. Or two of seven of nine?
     
  10. WolfmanGK

    WolfmanGK Super Plump

    1,737
    0
    Oct 7, 2000
    Northern Dakota
    You think in the future litigation is a thing of the past? Imagine trying to shoot some alien mosnter that just ate Ensign Fernando, and hitting a tree the phaser perceived as a threat, or even worse, hitting Ensign Eduardo or Ensign Jacobs because they were too close to the damn monster. Well, they probably would have been eaten anyway, so maybe the phaser manufacturer could get off on a technicality.
     
  11. txleapd

    txleapd Hook 'Em Up

    4,162
    192
    Aug 27, 2004
    TX
    You guys are really beginning to scare me...;g
     
  12. SCmasterblaster

    SCmasterblaster Millennium Member

    18,125
    618
    Sep 24, 1999
    Hartford, Vermont
    I remember the night that the actress who plays Counselor Troi appeared on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

    She strutted onto the set wearing the sexiest little trampy nothing, with everyone's jaws dropping.

    Leno said, "I'm glad that you can't read my mind!" ;)
     
  13. Rabid Rabbit

    Rabid Rabbit

    3,823
    196
    Nov 22, 2004
    Did you ever notice her caliber would increase if the story line was bad? Time dialation again, better super size.
     
  14. obxprnstar

    obxprnstar Goth Lover

    1,009
    0
    Jan 8, 2003
    Zombie Patrol
    She is SOOOOO hot!
     
  15. Night Before Christmas Star Trek Syle - I found this on the web last year - Enjoy!

    Star Trek Night Before Christmas

    'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship
    Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
    The phasers were hung in the armourery securely,
    In hope that no alien would get up that early.
    The crewmen were nestled all sung in their bunks
    (Except for the few who were partying drunks)
    And Picard in his nightshirt, and Bev in her lace,
    Had just settled down for a neat face to face...

    When out in the hall there arose such a racket,
    That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pant and jacket.
    Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
    Leapt into the turbos and shouted "Deck One!"
    The bridge red-alert lights, which flashed through the din,
    Gave a lustre of Hades to objects within.
    When, what on the viewscreen, our eyes should behold,
    But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.

    But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
    That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.

    His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
    Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name:
    "It's Riker, It's Data, It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
    It's Geordi, and Wesley, the genetic fluke!
    To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
    Now float away! Float away!
    Float away all!"

    As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,
    So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
    And up to the ceiling, our bodies they flew,
    As the captain called out,"what the Hell is this, Q?!"
    The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
    And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
    As we took in our plight, and were looking around,
    The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.
    Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
    Appeared once again, to continue the show.
    "That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
    And Riker said, "Worf, take aim at this dunce!"
    "I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc" replied Q,
    "I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with you."

    As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
    He dumped out the contents and took a step back.

    "I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
    There's something delightful for everyone here."
    He sat on the floor, and dug into the pile,
    And handed out gifts with his most charming smile:

    "For Counsellor Troi, there's no need to explain.
    Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
    For Worf I've some mints, as his breath's not too great
    And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date."
    For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-plus;
    For Data, a joke book, for Riker a truss.
    For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
    And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way."
    And he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face
    And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.

    But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from
    sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"
     
  16. DonGlock26

    DonGlock26

    46,426
    1,460
    Jan 18, 2001

    Ya, and the .40 Glocks can be set to overload too!;f