A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." "Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?" "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them S*#t in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird S*%t." "It was my first day with the hook."