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The MAN Code!

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by joegerardi, May 21, 2002.

  1. joegerardi

    joegerardi Millennium Member Lifetime Member

    May 18, 1999
    Savannah, GA, USA
    1. Thou shall not rent, under ANY circumstances, the movie "Chocolat," or any chick flick. Exception: Anything with Michelle Pfeiffer in it.

    2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

    3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

    4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You ARE
    permitted to deny his very existence.

    5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

    6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call
    "BULL****!" (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).

    7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits

    8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

    9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may, however, gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

    10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

    11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with
    your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your (or any) bachelor party.

    12. Before dating a buddy's "ex," you are required to ask his permission. He in return is required to grant it.

    13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a
    Buffalo Wing clean without touching it with their fingers.

    14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see NUTHIN'!

    15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

    16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat. Bonus points for kicking the cat when the girlfriend is not looking.

    17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

    18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to
    warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

    19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

    20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

    21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

    22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions
    have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whuppin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

    23.Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." and ESPECIALLY "Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?"

    24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer OR the last slice of pizza. (But not both. That's just plain mean.)

    25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

    26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

    27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: Either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a
    nod is all the conversation you need.

    28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him... too gay.
  2. igrp

    igrp ut supra

    May 6, 2002
    The Sunshine State
    Soon my walls are gonna be completely covered w/ print-outs. And btw, real men don't even own umbrellas. And make that Penélope Cruz for me. ;a And of course, tnx for posting. :)

  3. MTMike

    MTMike Libertarian

    Jan 7, 2002
    Great rules to live by! :D

  4. major

    major Rejected member

    Aug 19, 2001
    Cochrane, Alberta
    Great ones joegerardi.

    You forgot these:

    29. When out of town with the guys, the 50 mile rule is always in effect.

    30. Real guys all know what the "50 mile rule" is.
  5. i beleive the 50 mile rule is another way of stating the "area code rule" for those of us who have seen the movie road trip.
  6. major

    major Rejected member

    Aug 19, 2001
    Cochrane, Alberta
    Yeah, Badbilly, I had forgotten what they had called it in the movie. Hey, we're all on the same page.....just a little difference in the linguistics in different parts of the country!
  7. vegalife


    Jan 29, 2002
    Never ask to see it when your buddy talks about his little black book. Just assume it exists. Buddy is expected to resiprocate.
  8. MB-G26

    MB-G26 Queen of Fail Lifetime Member

    Oct 9, 2001
    Missing Sharon
    1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

    2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

    3. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there.

    4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

    5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

    6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.

    7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

    8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

    9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.

    10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

    11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

    12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

    13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

    14. Remember: a sense of humor does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.

    15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

    Just a thought for all the women out there... MENtal illness
    MENstrual cramps
    MENtal breakdown
    Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? And when we have real trouble, it's HISterectomy

    Neither confirming nor denying the accuracy or applicability of the above :)
  9. bountyhunter


    Dec 20, 2001
    MBG26: You would have liked the episode of "Shipmates" I saw a couple of weeks ago... really showed the differences. A man and woman go on a cruise for three days and give a "video diary" at the end of each day to tell how it's going. I swear it was like this:

    DAY 1:

    HER: We had a lot of good conversation, I think this might be a good match.

    HIM: She looks OK. Kissed me goodnight, that was cool.

    DAY 2:

    HER: I really feel like we are moving closer together.

    HIM: She took off her top in the hot tub.... that was cool.

    DAY 3: That night, she invites him to spend the night.


    HER: I am really looking forward to getting together after the trip. I feel like we've really got something special.

    HIM: I scored, but she's kinda spacey, I'm not really into blondes. I think my work here is done.

    Hilarious. It was like watching a train wreck.
  10. Floyd

    Floyd Millennium Member

    Dec 17, 1998
    Kentucky Boy
    In the military, it's called the "500-mile divorce kit".;)
  11. master tigon

    master tigon to deep for you

    May 21, 2002
    back in CT.shoot me!
    Hey I Like cats. They don't try to hump your appendages everytime you pet them.
  12. heyTJ

    heyTJ Giddy up!

    Dec 14, 2001
    475' above sea level
    Those are good ones. except for the cats.
    As far as the umbrella, it keeps my golf clubs dry.

  13. ajw8875

    ajw8875 HA-WY-EE YEAA!!

    Jul 25, 2001
    you forgot the most important two for ladies....

    1)"you are known by the idiot that you accompany"
    2)"the smaller his gun, the "smaller" his gun!!!!" this is important because my finance (ajw8875) carries a glock 21 ;f

    soon to be Mrs ajw8875 ;a
  14. Deathbunny

    Deathbunny Mostly Harmless

    Jun 7, 2002
    Phoenix, Arizona
    But I've got a Mossberg 500 Ghostring and a Bushmaster XM15E2S AK..., often backed up by a...

    ...Makarov. ;Q