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The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by StoneGiant, Jan 14, 2006.

  1. StoneGiant


    May 31, 2003
    Likes Received:
    Derry, NH
    The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)

    Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)...
    1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves AO.
    2. Airborne: Lands on, kills snake.
    3. Armor: Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
    4. Aviation: Has 12-digit grid coordinates of snake from GPS. FAC gives steer to target. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
    5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
    6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (inc. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
    7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous claim for travel pay settlement upon return.
    8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
    9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill myriad extremist snakes.
    10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake, claims littoral-waters strategy won the day.
    11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for war trophies. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from AO.
    12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
    13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
    14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
    15. Supply: (NOTE: regret your anti-snake line items are backordered)
    16. Transport pilot: Air-drops expired snakebite kits two grid squares away on roof of baby milk factory.
    17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as hostile Mi-24 HIND helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill identifier on aircraft fuselage.
    18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, misses snake target, demolishes embassy 4 km east of snake. Cites inclement weather (too hot, too cold, clear with overcast, unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover).
      Suggests procurement of million-dollar, air-to-ground anti-snake bomb.
    19. AH-64a Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake -- cold-blooded snakes don't resolve on infrared. Engages 'S'-shaped river bend with 16 Hellfires and 1,200 rounds of 30mm, creating ideal snake breeding bog.
    20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS-17 to mark LZ. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
    21. B-52 pilot: Puts ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
    22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in only 20 seconds, then doesn't receive authorization from National Command Authority to launch weapons.
    23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 snake activity indicators are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
    24. Judge Advocate General: Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
    25. Army Public Affairs: Awaiting chopped snake statement from OCPA - will get back to you.
    26. Navy Public Affairs: Prepares presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
    27. Marine Corps Public Affairs: YOU'RE %#@*&$ RIGHT WE KILLED THE SNAKE!
    28. Air Force Public Affairs: No information yet on snake in AO, but if there was a snake, it would certainly have been engaged with only the minimum amount of kinetic snake-killing force to get the job done. See, this is exactly why we need the F/A-22 Raptor.
  2. Fred Hansen

    Fred Hansen Liberal Bane

    May 19, 2005
    Likes Received:
    Get a chuckle every time I read it. ;z