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Thanks To EVERYONE!!!

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Mrs Glockrunner, Oct 2, 2012.

  1. As we progress into 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails
    Over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

    I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,
    Nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
    About the bacteria on the lemon peel.

    I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
    What has happened on it since it was last washed.

    I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
    Because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

    Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
    Imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

    I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on
    The floor of a public toilet.

    I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
    In the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
    Every envelope that needs sealing.

    ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

    I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
    Full of ice with my kidneys gone.

    I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
    Freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

    I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
    Water buffalo on a hot day.

    Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
    If I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

    Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
    It can remove toilet stains.

    I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
    So a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

    I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
    Seven different types of cancer.

    And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
    In the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring
    Me for life.

    I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
    Needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

    I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
    Me with a perfume sample and rob me..

    And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
    Me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to
    Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan...

    Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
    Big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant
    Death when it bites my butt.

    And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
    Dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed
    There by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

    I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
    Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
    The next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
    On your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
    Fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
    To grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
    Actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
    Ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's

    Oh, and by the way...

    A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
    Has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
    Read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse...
    Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

    P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
    I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. Out of the toilet...

    Now you have yourself a very good day—If you can...
  2. Clutch Cargo

    Clutch Cargo Amsterdam Haze

    Nov 29, 2010
    Good day to you Mrs. G :wavey:

  3. NH Trucker

    NH Trucker Needs coffee...

    May 4, 2009
    Concord, NH
    You're welcome :wavey:

    Outdoor Hub mobile, the outdoor information engine
  4. robin303

    robin303 Helicopter Nut

    Sep 27, 2009
    Austin, TX
    Thanks for the good advice which maybe saved me today. I almost picked up a dime today in a parking lot. :shocked:
  5. Angry Fist

    Angry Fist Dehumanizer® Lifetime Member

    Dec 30, 2009
    Hellbilly Hill
    Don't believe all that GnG nonsensical hoopla, Mrs. G. :supergrin:
  6. Paul53

    Paul53 Geezer Boomer

    Nov 27, 2011
    If there's anything else we can do for you just feel free to ask!

    What doesn't kill you just makes you really sick.
  7. SCmasterblaster

    SCmasterblaster Millennium Member

    Sep 24, 1999
    Hartford, Vermont
    You are doing just fine. :)
  8. jtull7

    jtull7 Pistolero CLM

    Jan 27, 2006
    Santa Fe, New Mexico
    Nicely written, Mrs Glockrunner, and so true.
  9. Alcoy


    Jul 13, 2006
    Good to know that you are now a much better person after reading all these emails.

    I read your whole post with my right hand on the mouse. I am looking for hand sanitizer now.
  10. BigBull 301

    BigBull 301

    Jan 3, 2009
    No problem! Glad to be here for you!!