As we progress into 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails Over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, Nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying About the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine What has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving Because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only Imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on The floor of a public toilet. I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo In the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with Every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub Full of ice with my kidneys gone. I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant Freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a Water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered If I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because It can remove toilet stains. I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, So a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes Seven different types of cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water In the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring Me for life. I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a Needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug Me with a perfume sample and rob me.. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask Me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan... Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a Big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant Death when it bites my butt. And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a Dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed There by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in The next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land On your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the Fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you To grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it Actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors Ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's Beautician! Oh, and by the way... A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, Has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity Read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse... Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late! P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. Out of the toilet... Now you have yourself a very good dayIf you can... Wanna kill these ads? We can help!