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Thanks To EVERYONE!!!

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Mrs Glockrunner, Oct 2, 2012.

  1. Mrs Glockrunner

    Mrs Glockrunner

    Joined:
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    Location:
    South Carolina
    As we progress into 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails
    Over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

    I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,
    Nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
    About the bacteria on the lemon peel.

    I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
    What has happened on it since it was last washed.

    I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
    Because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

    Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
    Imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

    I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on
    The floor of a public toilet.

    I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
    In the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
    Every envelope that needs sealing.

    ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

    I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
    Full of ice with my kidneys gone.

    I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
    Freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

    I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
    Water buffalo on a hot day.

    Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
    If I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

    Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
    It can remove toilet stains.

    I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
    So a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

    I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
    Seven different types of cancer.

    And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
    In the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring
    Me for life.

    I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
    Needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

    I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
    Me with a perfume sample and rob me..

    And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
    Me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to
    Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan...

    Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
    Big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant
    Death when it bites my butt.

    And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
    Dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed
    There by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

    I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
    Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
    The next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
    On your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
    Fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
    To grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
    Actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
    Ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
    Beautician!

    Oh, and by the way...

    A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
    Has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
    Read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse...
    Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

    P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
    I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. Out of the toilet...

    Now you have yourself a very good day—If you can...
     
  2. Clutch Cargo

    Clutch Cargo Amsterdam Haze

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    Good day to you Mrs. G :wavey:
     

  3. NH Trucker

    NH Trucker Needs coffee...

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    You're welcome :wavey:


    Outdoor Hub mobile, the outdoor information engine
     
  4. robin303

    robin303 Helicopter Nut

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    Location:
    Austin, TX
    Thanks for the good advice which maybe saved me today. I almost picked up a dime today in a parking lot. :shocked:
     
  5. Angry Fist

    Angry Fist Dehumanizer® Lifetime Member

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    Don't believe all that GnG nonsensical hoopla, Mrs. G. :supergrin:
     
  6. Paul53

    Paul53 Geezer Boomer

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    If there's anything else we can do for you just feel free to ask!

    What doesn't kill you just makes you really sick.
     
  7. SCmasterblaster

    SCmasterblaster Millennium Member

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    Location:
    Hartford, Vermont
    You are doing just fine. :)
     
  8. jtull7

    jtull7 Pistolero CLM

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    Nicely written, Mrs Glockrunner, and so true.
     
  9. Alcoy

    Alcoy

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    Location:
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    Good to know that you are now a much better person after reading all these emails.

    I read your whole post with my right hand on the mouse. I am looking for hand sanitizer now.
     
  10. BigBull 301

    BigBull 301

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    No problem! Glad to be here for you!!