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Stephen Wright & Other altered realities

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Gunrnr, Jun 23, 2002.

  1. Gunrnr

    Gunrnr Senior Goofoff Millennium Member

    235
    0
    Oct 31, 1999
    Land of Enchantment
    Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they
    already know everything.

    I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the
    end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen."

    Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
    dying of nothing.

    Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
    talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

    You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're
    just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but
    at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

    According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice
    about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they
    notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

    Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

    All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
    attention to criticism.

    Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
    substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

    I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

    In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
    is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

    Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
    come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

    There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers
    exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
    disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
    inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already
    happened.

    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
    a whole box to start a campfire?

    Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an
    appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

    You read about all these terrorists-most of them came here
    legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long
    as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days
    late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of the INS.