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Spot Check

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Glockrunner, Dec 1, 2004.

  1. Glockrunner

    Glockrunner HOOYA DEEPSEA

    4,251
    3
    Sep 10, 2001
    SC
    I Want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your d*mn chain letters over the few two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

    Because of your concern... I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

    I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

    I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

    I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

    I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could get pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

    I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

    I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

    I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise.

    I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.

    I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

    I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.

    I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

    I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

    I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

    I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

    I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

    I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

    I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

    Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now do a spot check on you.