SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE -- PART I 1. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan. 2. What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. 3. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag. 4. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. 5. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader. 6. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts. 7. Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. 8. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely? Because Janet Reno is her real father. 9. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? 100 people who don't do dick. SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE -- PART II (JUST WARMING UP!) 1. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. 2. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. 3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs. 4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes. 5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and *****. 6. What' s the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. 7. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. 8. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. 9. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. 10. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 11. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18. 12. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. 13. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. 14. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" 15. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. 16. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. 17. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas? Everyone has the same DNA. 18. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. 19. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo" 20. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE -- PART III (Just Great Stuff) 1. What's the Cuban National Anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat". 2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. 3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong"! 4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. 5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring. 6. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with..."a recipe". 7. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, "BINGO"! 8. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time...", but a southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."! 9. My, my, how times have changed. Years ago, when 100 white men chased one black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; what do we call it today? The PGA TOUR. 10. Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.