LETTERS TO GOD FROM THE DOG Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities? Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story? Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed can't have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle! Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, does he still get his ass whacked with a newspaper? Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps? Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad? Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti. Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to do that stupid shake hands trick to get in? Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand? Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the horny beagle across the street. Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize to them? Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the accident on the carpet thing, again? Dear God, May I have my balls back?