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Service jokes

Discussion in 'Veteran's Forum' started by noway, May 2, 2004.

  1. Let's hear them. I have a common USAF joke.


    A C130 cargo plane was flying , when all of sudden a F16 fighter jet flew up. The Fighter jet pilor got on the radio and said, " hey you slow cargo plane. I bet you can't do what I can do"

    He immediately took off climbing vertical, doing barrels rolls, flying upside down and hitting near mach 2.

    After about 5 minutes of showing off, he pulls back up next to the cargo plane.

    the C130 pilot get on the mic and says "Nice, but I bet you can't do what I can do"

    So for the next 10mins the 2 planes where still flying parrell with no BIG course change or moves. Finally the fighter jet pilot calls over and says," Hey so what are you going todo?"

    the C130 pilot radio back and said, "hey I already did it. I got up and took a crap, drink a cup of coffee, stretch my legs, read the newspaper and chat with my crew".



    We should make this a sticking
  2. skyboss_4evr


    May 1, 2004
    What do you call a USMC fighter pilot with an IQ of 140??

    A flight of FOUR. ;f

  3. cowboywannabe

    cowboywannabe you savvy?

    Jan 26, 2001
    well, this sailor and marine go to the head for a piss..
    afterwords....the marine goes to wash his hands as the sailor starightens his hat and prepares to walk out.......

    the marine says, in the marines, they teach us to wash our hands after we piss.
    the sailor says, in the navy they teach us not to piss on our hands....

    sorry, its the best service joke i have.... but if we ever get a richard prior club forum going...look out, i have alot of material.;)
  4. Verybigstick

    Verybigstick VinceAutMorire

    Jun 21, 2001
    Marine recon runs 20 miles with 60 lb pack, sleeps in a swamp, kills 2 enemy. Returns to base and says “good crap!”

    Army Ranger marches 40 miles with 80 lb pack, takes over a small city, doesn’t sleep for 3 days, kills 10 enemy, and returns to base and yells “great crap…hooorah!”

    Navy seal interdicts HALO, swims 3 miles, humps 20 miles with 120 lbs gear, kills 20 enemy and overthrows a small government and says “excellent crap, what’s next?”

    Air Force officer in an air conditioned VOQ stateside trying to get soft porn on skinemax but the remote is not working calls the front desk and says “what’s this crap?”

    Say a prayer for those that have taken the batton.

    Take care,

  5. socioloco

    socioloco Huge Member

    Feb 23, 2004
    Enjoy!!! :

    Lessons of a Vietnam Helicopter Crewman

    1. Once you are in the fight, it is way too late to wonder if it was a good idea.

    2. Helicopters are cool!

    3. It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do.

    4. NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.

    5. The engine RPM, and the rotor RPM, must BOTH be kept in the GREEN. Failure to heed this commandment can affect the morale of the crew.

    6. A billfold in your hip pocket can numb your leg and be a real pain in the ass.

    7. Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover you.

    8. Letters from home are not always great.

    9. The madness of war can extract a heavy toll. Please have exact change.

    10. Share everything. Even the Pound Cake.

    11. Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.

    12. The terms "Protective Armor" and "Helicopter" are mutually exclusive.

    13. The further away you are from your friends, the less likely it is that they can help you when you really need them the most.

    14. If being good and lucky is not enough, there is always payback.

    15. "Chicken Plates" are not something you order in a restaurant.

    16. If everything is as clear as a bell, and everything is going exactly as planned, you're about to be surprised.

    17. The B.S.R. (Bang, Stare, Read) Theory states that the louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges.

    18. The longer you stare at the gauges, the less time it takes them to move from green to red.

    19. It does too get cold in Vietnam.

    20. No matter what you do, the bullet with your name on it will get you. So too can the ones addressed "To Whom It May Concern".

    21. Gravity may not be fair, but it is the law.

    22. If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.

    23. If you are wearing body armor, the incoming will probably miss that part.

    24. It hurts less to die with a uniform on than to die in a hospital bed.

    25. Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

    26. If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

    27. Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Visit the head when you can. The next opportunity may not come around for a long time. If ever.

    28. Combat pay is a flawed concept.

    29. Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative.

    30. Air superiority is NOT a luxury.

    31. If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone.

    32. It is always a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude, and ideas all at the same time.

    32a. Nothing is as useless as altitude above you and runway behind you.

    33. While the rest of the crew may be in the same predicament, it's almost always the pilot's job to arrive at the crash site first.

    34. When you shoot your gun, clean it the first chance you get.

    35. Loud sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.

    36. Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations, which, in turn is better than cold C-rations, which is better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls (given to you by guards) even if they do have the little pieces of fish in them.

    37. WHAT is often more important than WHY.

    38. Boxes of cookies from home must be shared.

    39. Girlfriends are fair game. Wives are not.

    40. Everybody's a hero on the ground in the club after the fourth drink.

    41. There is no such thing as a small firefight.

    42. A free-fire zone has nothing to do with economics.

    43. The farther you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange engine noises become.

    44. Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.

    44a. The only medal you really want to be awarded is the Longevity Medal.

    45. Being shot hurts.

    46. Thousands of Vietnam Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded.

    48. Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas. Any combination of these can be deadly.

    49. Nomex is NOT fire proof.

    50. There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the Rules.

    51. Living and dying can both hurt a lot.

    53. While a Super Bomb could be considered one of the four essential building blocks of life, powdered eggs cannot.

    54. C-4 can make a dull day fun.

    55. Cocoa Powder is neither.

    56. There is no such thing as a fair fight, only ones where you win or lose.

    57. If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you don't care.

    58. Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what you are doing NOW to solve our problem.

    59. If you have extra, share it quickly.

    60. Always make sure someone has a P-38.

    61. A sucking chest wound may be God's way of telling you it's time to go home.

    62. Prayer may not help . . . but it can't hurt.

    63. Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac, even if this is technically a form of flying.

    64. If everyone does not come home none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either.

    65. Do not fear the enemy, for your enemy can only take your life. It is far better that you fear the media, for they will steal your HONOR.

    66. A grunt is the true reason for the existence of the helicopter. Every helicopter flying in Vietnam had one real purpose: To help the grunt. It is unfortunate that many helicopters never had the opportunity to fulfill their one true mission in life simply because someone forgot this fact.

    67. "You have the right to remain silent" is always EXCELLENT advice
  6. RussP

    RussP Moderator

    Jan 23, 2003
    Central Virginia
    ;z This is good stuff socioloco. Where in the world did you find it??

    Found this to be true:

    32. It is always a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude, and ideas all at the same time.

    32a. Nothing is as useless as altitude above you and runway behind you.

  7. socioloco

    socioloco Huge Member

    Feb 23, 2004

    Found it in a site about the P-38....

    Check it out:
  8. Bill Powell

    Bill Powell Cross Member CLM

    Mar 10, 2002
    dallas, tx
    a young serviceman, an E-3 was leaning against the wall, doing nothing in particular, when a brand new second Lt walks up behind him and asks if he has change. not seeing who it was, the private says, "sure, i think so," and starts to turn around.

    the Lt says, "soldier, do you know who you are addressing? lets try that again. do you have change?"

    the young private comes to a brace, and says, "SIR, NO SIR."

    some of my favorite military humor is the UP FRONT cartoons, by bill mauldin, featuring willie and joe. one of my favorites is willie and joe in the loft of a barn in france. there was a big barn rat on willie's knee. joe is holding one of the L-shaped flashlights, and willie is aiming a .45 automatic at the rat's face. joe is saying, "aim between the eyes, willie, sometimes they charge when theys wounded." maybe joe was the shooter, it's been many years since i saw that cartoon.

    i had a cartoon published in stars and stripes, about 1963, maybe late 1962.
  9. CarlosDJackal


    Dec 10, 2000
    ;z This on is my favorite!! But you forgot: "Helicopters do not fly. They beat the air into submission." ;f
  10. CarlosDJackal


    Dec 10, 2000
    Heard this from a buddy who was a former Ranger:

    A squad of Airborne Rangers were paddling up a river in a rubber boat. They were all shot up but they kept up a steady pace all the while chanting: "Airborne Ranger, Airborne Ranger, Airborne Ranger,..."

    God looked down from Heaven and thought to himself: "I wonder what would happen if I took away half of these guys' brain cells?" With a flick of his finger all the Rangers lost half their brain cells. But they kept up the steady pace still chanting: "Airborne Ranger, Airborne Ranger, Airborne Ranger,..."

    God was impressed. So he decided to see what would happen if he took away all but one brain cell. But even though they only had one brain cell, these guys kept up the steady pace chanting: "Airborne Ranger, Airborne Ranger, Airborne Ranger,..."

    Puzzled by the whole situation, God wondered what would happen if he took away ALL their brain cells. With a flick of his finger all the Rangers lost ALL of their brain cells. While they kept up the steady pace they started singing: "From the Halls of Montezuma..." (It's a lot funnier in person). ;f
  11. PromptCritical

    PromptCritical AgentOfEntropy

    Oct 25, 2002
    The Beaver State
    Helicopters don't actually fly at all.

    A helicopter is a combination of hundreds of rotating and reciprocating parts that is so ugly that the earth actually repels it.;f

    It is, probably, better than being sealed inside a steel tube breathing recycled air hundreds of feet under water.
  12. socioloco

    socioloco Huge Member

    Feb 23, 2004

    ;z ^6