Red Skelton's Tips for a Happy Marriage Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the Lake". She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!". Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was ALWAYS! I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!".