**Update Post #48 - Talked with the Chief, things not looking too promising but I'm still fighting** I don't think I can handle this job. I'm still in field training, but the stress is just too overwhelming. I don't think it's the stress of being evaluated on everything, that I can handle. I know it takes a special kind of person to do this job, and I've been doubting I have that mentality. The thought of quitting has crossed my mind, but the word "quit" scares the hell out of me. I've never quit anything in my life, and I'm worked too hard for the last three years to throw it all away. Everything came into perspective, though, when my wife asked, "If we didn't have to worry about the financial aspect, would you still quit?" I realized I probably would, which should be a giant red flag. I know I've changed as a person, too, and not in a way I like. I can't remember the last time I've smiled, let-alone laughed about anything since starting this job. Even when times were hard financially and I was struggling to get hired, I still was an overall happy person. Now, not so much. Here's the thing: I don't WANT to quit. I'm enjoying it a lot. I've seen more in the last 4 months than most people do in a lifetime. The high-stress calls don't seem to bother me. We had an armed robbery at a bank, and I found the suspect car shortly after. I had a great time with that! It's the hours, not being able to see my family. It's everywhere I go hearing people I meet and friends talk about, "well when I got pulled over" or "did you see the video of that cop? he should be fired" It's interviewing somebody as a witness and cutting them loose, only to figure out later they are the suspect and you can't find them anymore. All of things I knew to expect, and I thought I was ready for them, but now I'm not so sure. At first, I thought I was going through a phase, but things have been building up and my stress is growing. It's caused me to even have panic attacks, sometimes a couple a week. Not like panicking on the job, but I'll just be sitting at home and my chest gets heavy, my breathing gets short, and I feel really uneasy. I CAN'T quit. My family relies very heavily on my income, and we are through my insurance. I'm worried about what will happen with my family without the income. Also, and I know it's really not a good reason at all, but I've never quit anything and my pride is in the way. I'm also worried that I'll quit, then look back and regret it, knowing that I'll never be able to get back into it again. That's something I know would loom over me for a very long time. That being said, I know that this is all I've ever wanted to do with my life, but I don't want to be that guy that is only in it for the pay. I really am enjoying the work, but I just don't know how much more of the stress I can take. I've come home every day too stressed to fall asleep, and when I finally do sleep, I dream of the stresses of work and wake up in the middle of the night. Then my day is pretty much shot because I'm too tired and stressed, and it's time to go to work again, and the cycle continues. My weekends aren't much different. I know I've got some soul searching to do. I've vented to friends, family, my dog, and God. Now I'm venting to the Cop Talk crowd. I have a feeling I know what responses I'll get, and I probably won't like them. That being said, if I really can't keep up with this job, where do I go from here? Getting hired was one of the happiest days of my life, behind my daughter being born and getting married. Am I really to believe that the last three years of working hard and sacrifice were all for nothing? I'm not sure I'm ready to throw it all away yet, but I'm not sure I can survive it, either. Wanna kill these ads? We can help!