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Mor Irish jokes

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Nowhere Man, Mar 8, 2007.

  1. Nowhere Man

    Nowhere Man

    979
    0
    May 22, 2003
    North Port, FL
    >>Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
    >>
    >>Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
    >>
    >>looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
    >>
    >>His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
    >>
    >>his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
    >>
    >>"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
    >>
    >>" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
    >>
    >>"That little *****e, O'Conner," says Sean,
    >>
    >>"He couldn't do that to you,
    >>
    >>he must have had something in his hand."
    >>
    >>"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
    >>
    >>and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
    >>
    >>"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
    >>
    >>didn't you have something in your hand?"
    >>
    >>That I did," said Paddy.
    >>
    >>"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
    >>
    >>beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >>**************************************************************************
    >>******************
    >>**************
    >>
    >>An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
    >>
    >>is driving home from the city one night and,
    >>
    >>of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
    >>
    >>
    >>A cop pulls him over.
    >>
    >>"So," says the cop to the driver,
    >>
    >>where have ya been?"
    >>
    >>"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
    >>
    >>slurs the drunk.
    >>
    >>"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
    >>
    >>a few to drink this evening."
    >>
    >>"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
    >>
    >>"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
    >>
    >>folding his arms across his chest,
    >>
    >>"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
    >>
    >>"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
    >>
    >>"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >>**************************************************************************
    >>*********************************
    >>
    >>Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
    >>
    >>when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
    >>
    >>"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
    >>
    >>"I've somethin' to tell ya".
    >>
    >>"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
    >>
    >>But where's my husband?"
    >>
    >>"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
    >>
    >>There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
    >>
    >>"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your
    >>husband Shamus
    >>
    >>is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
    >>
    >>Finally, she looked up at Tim.
    >>
    >>"How did it happen, Tim?"
    >>
    >>
    >>"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
    >>
    >>of Guinness Stout and drowned."
    >>
    >>
    >>"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
    >>
    >>Did he at least go quickly?"
    >>
    >>"Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
    >>
    >>he got out three times to pee."
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >>**************************************************************************
    >>**********************************
    >>
    >>
    >>Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady af ter
    >>
    >>his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
    >>
    >>He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
    >>
    >>She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
    >>
    >>My husband passed away last night."
    >>
    >>The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
    >>
    >>Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
    >>
    >>She says, "That he did, Father."
    >>
    >>The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
    >>
    >>She says, He said,
    >>
    >>'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >>**************************************************************************
    >>*******************************
    >>
    >>
    >>AND THE BEST FOR LAST
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >>A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
    >>
    >>enters a co nfessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
    >>
    >>The Priest coughs a few times to get his
    >>
    >>attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
    >>
    >>Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
    >>
    >>The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
    >>
    >>there's no paper on this side either!"
    >>
    >>
    >