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It's Official, US Navy Bans Flatulence

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Mauler362ndFG, Aug 27, 2002.

  1. Mauler362ndFG

    Mauler362ndFG Check Your 6

    138
    1
    May 17, 2001
    Chesapeake, VA, USofA
    Here is a copy of a Naval message that I received in my office today:

    >R 081503Z MAY 02 PSN 740648J31
    > FM COMNAVSURFORCES WASHINGTON DC//N001//
    > TO COMPHIBGRU NAS KEY WEST FL//90//
    > NAF RAF MILDENHALL UK//JJJ//
    > NAS BRUNSWICK ME//60//
    > NAS KEFLAVIK IC//70//
    > NAS KEFLAVIK IC//50//
    > CINCLANTFLT NORFOLK VA//N11//
    > CINCPACFLT PEARL HARBOR HI//N1/N21/N11//
    > NAVAIRWARCENWPNDIV PT MUGU CA//311200E/31410E//
    > NAVORDSAFSECACT INDIAN HEAD MD//N2//
    > NAVORDSAFSECACT ESSOLANT NORFOLK VA//N712A//
    > NAMTRAGRU PENSACOLA FL//2206//
    > USSTRATCOM OFFUTT AFB NE//J416//
    > BT
    > SUBJ: SAFE WORK PRACTICES IN >POTENTIALLY FLAMMABLE
    > ATMOSPHERES //
    > 1. A PETTY OFFICER WAS TREATED AT A MILITARY TREATMENT FACILITY (MTF) AFTER
    COMPLAINING OF SHORTNESS OF BREATH AFTER WORKING IN AN ENCLOSED WORKSPACE
    WITH SEVERAL OTHER PERSONNEL. THE DINING FACILITY HAD SERVED A MEXICAN MEAL FOR LUNCH, CAUSING SUSPECTED HIGH METHANE AND SULFITE LEVELS IN THE
    ATMOSPHERE FROM THE CREW'S FLATULENCE.
    > 2. MANY NAVY PERSONNEL WORK IN FACILITIES AND ON SHIPS WHERE FLATULENCE MAY EXIST, AND DUE TO MISSION URGENCY ARE NOT ABLE TO IMMEDIATELY VACATE THE SPACE SHOULD THE AIR BECOME FOUL. THIS MISHAP SERVES AS A STRONG REMINDER THAT THE EXPRESSION OF FLATULENCE CAN BE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS IN THESE AREAS,
    UNLESS THEY ARE SPECIFICALLY LISTED AS INTRINSICALLY SAFE. THE NAVY HAS
    DEVELOPED THE FOLLOWING SAFE WORK PRACTICE TO ADDRESS THIS PROBLEM:
    EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, THE PRACTICE OF EXPELLING FLATULENCE, COMMONLY
    REFERRED TO AS "FARTING," "BREAKING WIND," OR "PASSING GAS," IS PROHIBITED
    ABOARD ALL NAVAL SHIPS, BOATS, VEHICLES, AIRCRAFT, AND SHORE INSTALLATIONS.
    > 3. THIS REGULATION APPLIES NOT ONLY TO AUDIBLE FLATULENCE, OR INCIDENTS THAT
    ARE CLAIMED BY THEIR PERPETRATOR, BUT ALSO TO COVERT EVENTS SUCH AS "DEADLY
    WHISPERS," "CHEEK SNEAKERS," "SBD's" (SILENT BUT DEADLY) AND "CROP DUSTINGS."
    > 4. UNAUTHORIZED EXPULSION OF FLATULENCE IS TO BE PUNISHED UNDER THE UCMJ. "HE WHO SMELT IT DEALT IT" IS CONSIDERED SUFFICIENT BASIS FOR PROSECUTION.
    "I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS GOING TO STINK" OR "I ATE AT THE GALLEY" IS NOT TO BE
    ACCEPTED AS AN EXCUSE FOR FAILURE TO CONTROL ONESELF.
    > 5. COMMANDS ARE INSTRUCTED TO ENSURE KNOWN GAS PRODUCING FOODS ARE AVOIDED
    AT THE DINING FACILITIES. MEXICAN THEMED MEALS, NAVY OR BAKED BEANS, CHILI, CABBAGE, AND EGG SALAD ARE NO LONGER AUTHORIZED MENU ITEMS.
    > 6. THE LIGHTING OF FLATULENCE WITH ANY TYPE OF OPEN FLAME IS STILL PROHIBITED.
    >BT
    > NNNN
    > #5703
     
    silentpoet likes this.