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I'm struggling

Discussion in 'The Okie Corral' started by Mrs. VR, Apr 14, 2013.

  1. JohnBT

    JohnBT NRA Benefactor

    Feb 24, 2000
    Richmond, Virginia
    "Gonna go downstairs and have some (attmanns "

    They still on Lombard Street? We lived in SW/Irvington in the '50s and early '60s, but my aunt was an RN at Hopkins and lived not too far from corned beef row.

    After I retired last fall, I found a really good crabcake sandwich here in Richmond at a place out in the 'burbs. I meet friends there every Friday for lunch and finally talked to the cook last week. He's from Baltimore. Well that explains it.

    It's never easy watching people die. I don't know what is more wearing on me, the sudden deaths, the few-weeks-to-live ones or folks like my mother who has sat in a wheelchair shaking for 5 years because the dementia ate her brain. She hasn't known me since '06 and only says a few words a year at random times. She'll be 89 in September.


  2. Woofie

    Woofie Disirregardless CLM

    Apr 10, 2007
    I'm the worst at coming up with thoughtful things to say, but if you need to vent I'll be around. My inbox is open and you can always call if you need to.
  3. M2 Carbine

    M2 Carbine

    Dec 21, 2002
    I'm so very sorry for you.

    I wish I knew some words that would ease your pain, but I know none.

    I wish I could give you some advice about what to do to ease your pain but I know nothing.

    Time does dull the pain but the pain never goes away.
    It's been over ten years since my Wife died and I was crying for her a couple days ago, as I am doing now.

    There is no easy way to lose a loved one.

    My Wife died suddenly. I didn't have time to say Goodbye. That wears on me.

    My friend's Wife, my Wife's best friend, later died slowly and painfully over two years with cancer. A terrible way to die.

    Just do the best you can and lean on your loved ones for support and support them.
  4. Unlocked

    Unlocked 4 8 15 16 23 42 CLM

    Mar 5, 2006
    :angel: Prayers inbound.
  5. byf43

    byf43 NRA Life Member

    Apr 13, 2006
    Southern Maryland
    Even though Dad suffered with Alzheimer's for several years, his death was sudden.

    He fell, breaking his left hip, going into the bathroom, at 4:00 a.m. May 4, 2012.

    Long story a little shorter. . . . .
    Got him to the hospital (by ambulance) and after several days, they decided to replace his left hip.

    Two days later, he was very lucid.
    I had to go to Blacksburg, to bring my youngest daughter home from college (end of semester).
    I explained to Dad that I'd be back on Thursday (this was Tuesday).
    We chatted and he said, "Bring my grand-daughter by, when you get home."

    We got home kinda late, on Thursday evening, and my daughter asked if we could go see her Papaw on Friday morning.

    I got a call at 5:09 a.m., Friday, May 11, 2012. It was my Mom.
    Dad passed away, in his sleep, at 5:00 a.m.

    The ONE thing that bothers me. . . . . My Dad died, alone.

    It's been eleven months and three days. (But who's counting?)
    It hasn't gotten any easier. Now, Mom is fighting for her life, dealing with Cancer, again.
    She wants to go, though. She's the only person left, of her generation, in the family. She wants to be with my Dad.

    Losing a parent is hard. It's a terrible feeling, but, it's part of life.
    We've lost two kids. That's devastating. It never gets easier.
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2013
  6. Alchemy

    Alchemy Senior Member

    Jan 1, 2003
    Sharon you have a great support group surrounding you.
    Everyone handles a situation like this differently, so take
    advantage of it. I've been through this myself and it's a
    terrible thing emotionally. I'm not trying to diminish your
    grief, but give as much emotional support to the one
    remaining parent that you have left.

    You will get through this so take it one day at a time. Try
    and remember the good times that you had for many years.
    I have found that this helped me a great deal in dealing
    with a situation like this. You and yours are in my prayers.
  7. Mrs. VR

    Mrs. VR Sharon, you will be missed.

    May 18, 2004
    On the way to crazy
    Thank you, thank you all so much. I cried and àte my face off and read junk til about 5 am. Only reason I'm up now is I have to take youngest to Hebrew school because vr & jr are at a softball game.

    Funny story, my mom and I often think alike, as do my daughter and I. Last night I told daughter if she got up early w/me to do the drop off, I'd take her to Einstein bros for a bagel ( not sure what it is w us Jews and food, cause despite how it sounds, I haven't been eating much) and threes a ago my mom tells me out of the blue that she's having a weird craving for a bagel and lox. :rollingeyes:

    I think I'll be taking an early nap

    Ps- johnbt, yes, the one on Lombard. We were around the corner at Hopkins. They are actually distant cousins on my dads side somehow, but they don't know us, they might know my dad. I'm e cited, they are opening a store in Potomac/Bethesda soon. Corned beef for everyone!!
  8. HenryinFlorida


    May 10, 2012

    As we get older our own mortality gets more evident. I recently lost a closefriend to MDS(what Robin Roberts had). He was 61, 5 years younger than me. Ithas hit me hard, but he was a man of great faith, and therefore it helps mebuild mine. I know he is in a good place, and I can take solace in that.
  9. Mrs. VR

    Mrs. VR Sharon, you will be missed.

    May 18, 2004
    On the way to crazy
    I'm so sorry. This is what my mom has, but it's full blown AML.
  10. MrsKitty


    Mar 23, 2003
    The uncle I was closest to, actually one the people I have been the most attached to in my entire life, eventually died from AML. I say eventually because the AML was a "side effect" of an experimental heart treatment he underwent about a couple years before diagnosis (looking back now I can pinpoint when he learned although he told no one else anything for a long time). He lived over five years after diagnosis and lost in-home hospice care three times because he didn't die. Much of that time he was still vibrant and greatly enjoyed life. Some of my favorite times spent with him were when I would drop in during the afternoon. Many times we didn't even speak to each other, he napped and I read a book.

    The day he died he was surrounded by everyone who loved him. Many of those there had gone on before him but they were there that day. It's amazing how many they were...and how so many of those present had no clue the others were around. He finally joined those who had been waiting for him that day. I still find a lot of comfort thinking about how he joined those who patiently waited for him instead of how he left us to join them...

    Be strong. It's not easy but you can, and will, get through this.
  11. UtahIrishman

    UtahIrishman BLR Silver Member

    Nov 11, 2001
    Mrs VR. It's a difficult place that you are in. I've lost both of my parents. It's been 8 years since my Dad passed away and 9 since my Mom. I still think of them a lot.

    My mother's illness was a protracted one, almost two years of a steady decline. She had congestive heart failure.

    We all actually breathed a sigh of relief when she passed away. Feeling relief not only that she was no longer suffering but that those who supported her and cared for her, especially my Dad, finally had a chance to get some rest.

    This isn't spoken of often but I understand it's not an uncommon feeling and many feel guilty when they feel that way after a loved one has past. We also felt grief but the first interlude was one of relief. The protracted grief came later.

    It's not easy. Wishing you and your family the best.
  12. Mrs. VR

    Mrs. VR Sharon, you will be missed.

    May 18, 2004
    On the way to crazy
    Thank you all so much for your kind words. I'm feeling a bit better today, I guess I just needed to offload. Daughter and I did some shopping for mom this morning and it turned into a nice bonding experience for us. ( we found clearance undies, don't judge us! :p). NOW I am getting ready for what might end up being the worlds longest nap. Tonight we are labing old photos and making yet more lists. Ill be better rested for that.

    I'm going to be coming back to read this thread frequently. Thank you all.
  13. I haven't had to deal with the loss of a parent yet, but remember how my Mom tried to deal with when her Mom died (cancer, I was about 8) and when her Dad died (old age/broken heart, I was 27). She was worried about keeping it together for me. It just wasn't necessary for her to do. You don't have to support everything by yourself as if you are a single pillar holding the Colosseum. All of you can lean on each other for support.

    I usually try to Live, Love, and Laugh. Celebrate what you have and share memories. Try not to worry about what the future will bring as none of us can change it. Cherish the time you have.
  14. G19Tony

    G19Tony Sneet CLM

    Mar 7, 2005
    Las Vegas, NV

    We knew for 3 years that Dad was dying. He had ALS. It was so hard watching him wither away. He stuck with it as long as he could. He finished restoring his VW bug. My brother and I painted it for him, and I got to drive him around in it. I got home as often as I could, and we were all with him at the end. :crying:

    It's been 7 years now, and not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I almost forget when he died, but something reminds me around that date. I actually don't remember the exact date, things were moving fast. I try not to remember the illness. I try to remember everything else.

    Venting is good. I'm glad you're doing it. You have lot's of friends here, as you know. I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you and you're not alone. :hugs::hugs:
  15. Gonetodarkside

    Gonetodarkside owl protector

    Feb 7, 2006
    You ARE strong.

    I am praying.
  16. Foxterriermom


    Mar 2, 2009
    Lone Star State
    Hi, Mrs. VR. My Dad died 6 years ago this next month and it was a very sudden thing. He had advanced cancer and was gone within 3 weeks of his diagnosis. I was with him the last two weeks of his life and right beside his bed when he died. It was painful to watch, but I took comfort in that his illness wasn't long and protacted and he died at home with dignity surrounded by those that loved him the most. He was only 75 and I thought I would have him for many more years to come but that wasn't to be the case. A single day doesn't pass that I don't think about him, but those thoughts are filled with cherished memories and thanks to God for having blessed me with such a wonderful, loving parent. I know that he wouldn't have wanted me to wallow in grief and despair over his death and I feel that I have managed to honor him in that manner.

    Does his death still hurt? You betcha! But for me, the pain has subsided and is far out-weighed by the knowledge that his life has had a far greater impact on me than his deathl You are going through a dark valley right now, but that won't always be the case.

    More prayers being send for you entire family.

  17. Haldor

    Haldor Formerly retired EE. Back to being a wage slave.

    Oct 22, 2006
    Central Arizona
    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    P.M. sent. Please forgive the typos.
  18. ratf51


    Aug 6, 2010
    NW GA
    I am so sorry for what you are going through-- not just you but your entire family. And yes, prayers are sent.

    There is nothing easy about what ya'll (hey, I'm a Southerner) are going through. There are no easy decisions, no easy answers. What helps see you through these times is the great love you have for one another-- and apparently it is a GREAT love. Allow yourself the freedom and permission to vent-- just as you have been doing here-- and find that person that you can vent to that will just let you vent, because there are no "pat" answers. Allow yourself the freedom and permission to begin grieving; those times when you can simply be alone (or with someone who understands) and shed a tear (or buckets of them) can be tremendously cathartic.

    Continue to make memories and hold them dear. May God's blessings be upon you, His strength enable you, and His presence comfort you.