Nodding and looking at his watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. When a wife really needed to talk to him during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the *** and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and he'd jump out his window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into his car like Fred Flintstone. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. Tanks would be far easier to rent. Garbage would take itself out. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." Instead of an expensive engagement ring, he could present his wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" On Groundhog Day, if he saw his shadow, he'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as he returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. When a cop gave him a ticket, every smart-aleck answer he responded with would actually reduce his fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" Him: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off." Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof." Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.