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How to Poop at Work

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by pupcuss27, May 30, 2007.

  1. pupcuss27

    pupcuss27 CLM

    May 13, 2007
    As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
    inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work,
    following is the survival guide for taking a Poop Dump at the office.

    CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
    smell is not in your area and everyone
    else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you
    do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
    been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your

    FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
    check for other poopers. If there are others in
    the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a
    FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
    suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing
    a poop in a stall. This is usually
    accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee,
    do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did
    not happen. If you are standing next to the farter
    in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee.
    It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
    parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
    pace. This is usually a side effect of
    diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the
    stall until everyone has left the bathroom
    to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
    the water. This reduces the amount of
    air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid
    being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
    have just stunk up the bathroom. This
    can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As
    with farts, it is best to pretend that the
    smell does not exist. This can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud
    of it. You will often see an
    Out Of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
    under their arm. Always look around
    the office for the Out Of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
    least expect visitors. Try floors
    that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a
    same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
    tries to force the door open. This is
    one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking
    a poop at work. If this occurs,
    in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
    uncomfortable eye contact.
    CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
    that you are in a stall. This can be
    used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very
    effective when used in conjunction with
    an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
    that you are occupying a stall. This will
    remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave
    the bathroom immediately so the pooper
    can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
    water. This is also an embarrassing
    incident. If you feel a Watermelon
    coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
    in the toilet water. Often accompanied
    by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

    A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
    extended lengths of time in front
    of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to
    relax while on the crapper, as you should
    always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.

    This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. Now go have a
    good Pooping

  2. FThorn

    FThorn TV/Movie Club

    Apr 30, 2004
    I guess I'm a camo cougher. More a throat clearing, really. :)
  3. Biff


    Aug 7, 2006
    Los Angeles, CA..
    I fall into the

    Out of the closet pooper. Even keep a stack of my favoriate mags next to my desk.