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Homer is my Hero

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by hermosabeach, Jan 24, 2003.


  1. hermosabeach

    hermosabeach
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    Coffee Drinker

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2002
    61
    0
    Location:
    Kalifornia
    Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

    ---

    Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse!
    Homer: Oooh, that's bad.
    Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
    Homer: That's good!
    Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also cursed.
    Homer: That's bad.
    Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings!
    Homer: That's good!
    Shopkeeper: The toppings contain sodium benzoate.
    [Homer looks puzzled.] That's bad.!?
    Homer: Can I go now?

    ---

    Homer: Here are your messages: You have 30 minutes to move your car. You have 10 minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have 30 minutes to move your cube.

    ---

    Marge: I think we're going to need a bigger place.
    Homer: No, we don't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's room and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
    Marge: Won't that warp him?
    Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
    Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
    Homer: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu no

    ---

    Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
    Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
    Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.

    ---

    Homer: So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.

    ---

    Homer: Hey, we didn't have a message on our answering machine when we left. How very odd.

    ---

    Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."

    ---

    Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening

    ---

    Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

    ---

    Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
    Lisa: No.
    Homer: Ham?
    Lisa: No!
    Homer: Pork chops?
    Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
    Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

    ---

    Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
    Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
    Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
    Homer: Okay, I will!

    ---

    Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie... Police Academy.

    ---

    Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
    Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.

    ---

    Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.

    ---

    Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game.
    [doorbell rings]
    Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick--
    Homer: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
    Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
    [Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
    Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.

    ---

    Homer: Well Marge, have you ever seen a field glow like that?
    Marge: It's eerily beautiful, but are you sure this is safe?
    Homer: Of course not. But you know something? Sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
    Marge: You got that from a movie poster.
    Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.

    ---

    Homer: It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won!

    ---

    Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning.
    Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally.
    Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning


    ---

    Homer: Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

    ---

    Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very obsessive.
    Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke! It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa! Get in here. [Lisa walks in] In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

    ---

    Homer: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson,
    Lisa: never help anyone.

    ---

    [Homer can't stop the monorail]
    Marge: I've brought somebody to help you.
    Homer: Is it Batman?
    Marge: It's a scientist.
    Homer: Batman's a scientist?
    Marge: It's NOT Batman.

    ---


    ;a____________________________;I
     
  2. smackthellama

    smackthellama
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    3L luv, yo.

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2002
    56
    0
    Location:
    Law school, LA
    The Movementarians

    Homer: "Will there be beer?"
    Movementarian: "Uh, beer is not allowed."
    Homer: "Homer no function beer well without."
     

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