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Hollywood Squares quotes

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Tvov, Dec 31, 2002.


  1. Tvov

    Tvov
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    Sep 30, 2000
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    > From The Original Hollywood Squares TV show...
    >
    > These are from the days when game show responses were
    >
    > spontaneous [Bull****--Ed.] and not scripted like they are now:
    >
    > -------------------------------------! -----------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
    >
    > Paul Lynde: Yes, but it still won't go up to your apartment.
    >
    > ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a
    >
    > stranger at a party and you think he's really
    >
    > attractive, is it okay to come out directly and
    >
    > ask him if he's married?
    >
    >
    > Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
    >
    > ------------------------------------------------------
    > Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to
    >
    > diminish as you get older?
    >
    >
    >
    > Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    > Peter Marshall: In Hawaiian, does it take more than
    >
    > three words to say "I love you"?
    >
    >
    >
    > Vincent Price: No, you can say it! With a pineapple and a twenty.
    >
    > ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a
    >
    > mountain by the gods because he had given something to
    >
    > man. What did he give us?
    >
    >
    > Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a
    >
    > sports shirt.
    >
    > ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and
    >
    > "Can't Get Enough"?
    >
    >
    >
    > George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the
    > next apartment.
    > ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to
    >
    > gesture more or less with your hands while you are
    >
    > talking?
    >
    >
    >
    > Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older
    >
    > question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll
    >
    > never forget!
    >
    > ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: According to Zsa Zsa, does black look
    >
    > sexy on a woman?
    >
    >
    >
    > Redd Foxx: I wouldn't have it any other way.
    >
    > ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose" cattle good
    >
    > for that other cattle aren't?
    >
    >
    >
    > Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't
    >
    > recommend the cookies!
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >
    >
    > Peter Marshall: If you find someone lying unconscious
    >
    > in the street, should you do anything?
    >
    >
    >
    > George Goebel: I'd probably crawl around him I guess.
    >
    > -----------------------------! -------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear
    >
    > leather?
    >
    >
    >
    > Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
    >
    > ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: Charley, you've just decided to grow
    >
    > strawberries. Are you going to get any during your
    >
    > first year?
    >
    >
    >
    > Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy
    >
    > growing strawberries!
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
    >
    >
    >
    > Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: Eddie, according to the Institute of
    >
    > Motivational Research, a wife should be beware if another woman
    > takes
    >
    > an interest in a certain item of her husband's clothing.
    >
    > ! What item?
    >
    >
    > Ed Asner: Well, shorts immediately springs to my
    >
    > mind.
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to
    >
    > discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is
    >
    > politics. What is the other?
    >
    >
    >
    > Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: True or false...a pea can last as
    >
    > long as 5,000 years.
    >
    >
    >
    > George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on
    >
    > airline flights in this country?
    >
    >
    >
    > Charley Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she
    >
    > can fly.
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you safer in
    >
    > the bedroom or in the closet?
    >
    >
    >
    > Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in
    >
    > the bedroom.
    >
    >
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: Can boys join the camp fire girls?
    >
    >
    >
    > Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he
    >
    > will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
    >
    >
    >
    > Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: True or false, George...experts say
    >
    > there are only seven or eight things in the world
    >
    > dumber than an ant.
    >
    >
    >
    > George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of
    >
    > 'em.
    >
    >
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years,
    >
    > what would you give birth to?
    >
    >
    >
    > Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid
    >
    > of the dark.
    >
    >
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is there
    >
    > anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing
    >
    > a lot of people?
    >
    >
    >
    > Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: While visiting China, your tour guide
    >
    > starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that
    >
    > mean?
    >
    >
    >
    > George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
    >
    > ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected
    >
    > part of your body, what is it?
    >
    >
    >
    > Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't
    >
    > neglected!
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that
    >
    > weighs more than 150 pounds?
    >
    >
    >
    > Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: Back in the old days, when Great
    >
    > Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he
    >
    > trying to do?
    >
    >
    > George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
    >
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: According to Movie Life magazine,
    >
    > Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon,
    >
    > but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?
    >
    >
    >
    > Paul Lynde: He's out of town.
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and
    >
    > Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter
    >
    > With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
    >
    >
    >
    > Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked
    >
    > the question.
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >
    >
    > Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer
    >
    > period of time, your wife or your elephant?
    >
    >
    >
    > Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: When a couple have a baby, who is
    >
    > responsible for its sex?
    >
    >
    >
    > Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is
    >
    > up to him.
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >
    >
    > Peter Marshall: James Stewart did it over twenty
    >
    > years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he
    >
    > says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What
    >
    > was it?
    >
    >
    >
    > Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that
    >
    > he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them
    >
    > on at least two occasions. What are they?
    >
    >
    >
    > Charley Weaver: His feet.
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: If you're going to make a parachute
    >
    > jump, you should be at least how high?
    >
    >
    >
    > Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should
    >
    > do it.
    >
    >
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak?
    >
    >
    >
    > Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under
    >
    > water.
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: You've been having trouble going to
    >
    > sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
    >
    >
    >
    > Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
    >
    > ------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object which
    >
    > he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of
    >
    > his habit?
    >
    > Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.
    >
    >
    >