Happy Holiday's

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by rockabillyrider, Dec 26, 2012.


  1. Company Memo

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: December 1, 2012

    RE: Gala Christmas Party

    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
    place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
    at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll
    have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
    And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

    A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees
    can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make
    the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for
    employees!

    Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

    Merry Christmas to you and your family,

    Patty



    Company Memo

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: December 2, 2012

    RE: Gala Holiday Party

    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
    We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides
    with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

    However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
    applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still
    celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas
    carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

    Happy now?

    Happy Holidays to you and your family,

    Patty



    Company Memo

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


    TO: All Employees

    DATE: December 3, 2012

    RE: Holiday Party

    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
    requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
    accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only",
    you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

    Somebody?

    And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the
    union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe
    $10.00 is a little chintzy.

    REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

    Patty




    Company Memo

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    To: All Employees

    DATE: December 4, 2012

    RE: Generic Holiday Party

    What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
    Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
    daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
    luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
    beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the
    end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home. Will
    that work?

    Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
    from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to
    the restrooms.

    Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
    Gay men, each group will have their own table.

    Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

    To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no
    cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion
    in the restrooms. Sorry.

    We will have booster seats for short people.

    Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

    I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the
    food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a
    bite first.

    There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant
    cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

    Did I miss anything?

    Patty



    Company Memo

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All F...... Employees

    DATE: December 5, 2012

    RE: The ********** Holiday Party

    I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at
    the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table
    furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your
    ****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have
    feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm
    hearing them scream right NOW!

    The rest of you ****** weirdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten
    holiday!

    Drive drunk and die,

    The ***** from Hell





    Company Memo

    FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

    DATE: December 6, 2012

    RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll
    continue to forward your cards to her.

    In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
    give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

    Happy Holidays!

    Joan
     
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