I only mean this as purely constructive... You may want reevaluate your beliefs and tactics. If your failure to properly engage a violent subject resulted in an escalation of force, or injury to someone else, and you worked for me, I'd have your job over it. This job is hard enough without you dragging you personal baggage into it. It is causing you to lack an impartial attitude, which is key to police work. The people you work with, and citizens you swore to protect deserve better.