> SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. > FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. > ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. > > SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. > FAULT: Improper bladder control. > ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. > > SYMPTOM: Drink unusually pale and tasteless. > FAULT: Glass empty. > ACTION: Get someone to buy you another drink. > > SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. > FAULT: You have fallen over backward. > ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. > > SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. > FAULT: You have fallen forward. > ACTION: See above. > > SYMPTOM: Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. > FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. > ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. > > SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. > FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. > ACTION: Get someone to buy you another drink. > > SYMPTOM: Floor moving. > FAULT: You are being carried out. > ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. > > SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. > FAULT: Bar has closed. > ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. > > SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. > FAULT: Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations. > ACTION: Cover mouth. > > SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. > FAULT: You are dancing on the table. > ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. > > SYMPTOM Drink is crystal-clear. > FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. > ACTION: Punch him. > > SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. > FAULT: You have been in a fight. > ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. > > SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. > FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. > ACTION: See if they have free alcohol. > > SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. > FAULT: The drink is too weak. > ACTION: Have more alcohol until your voice improves. > > SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. > FAULT: Drink is just right. > ACTION: Play air guitar.