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Drinking Problems

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by ERASER, Sep 14, 2003.


  1. ERASER

    ERASER
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    Nyuk,Nyuk,Nyuk!

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2000
    4,978
    396
    > SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
    > FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    > ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
    >
    > SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
    > FAULT: Improper bladder control.
    > ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
    >
    > SYMPTOM: Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
    > FAULT: Glass empty.
    > ACTION: Get someone to buy you another drink.
    >
    > SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    > FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
    > ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
    >
    > SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
    > FAULT: You have fallen forward.
    > ACTION: See above.
    >
    > SYMPTOM: Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
    > FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
    > ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
    >
    > SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
    > FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
    > ACTION: Get someone to buy you another drink.
    >
    > SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
    > FAULT: You are being carried out.
    > ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
    >
    > SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
    > FAULT: Bar has closed.
    > ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
    >
    > SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
    > FAULT: Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
    > ACTION: Cover mouth.
    >
    > SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
    > FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
    > ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
    >
    > SYMPTOM Drink is crystal-clear.
    > FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
    > ACTION: Punch him.
    >
    > SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
    > FAULT: You have been in a fight.
    > ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
    >
    > SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
    > FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
    > ACTION: See if they have free alcohol.
    >
    > SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
    > FAULT: The drink is too weak.
    > ACTION: Have more alcohol until your voice improves.
    >
    > SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
    > FAULT: Drink is just right.
    > ACTION: Play air guitar.