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Corporate Lingo

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by okie, Aug 12, 2004.


  1. okie

    okie
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    GT Mayor

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2001
    64,670
    1,523
    Location:
    Muskogee Ok.
    Translations of Corporate Lingo...

    COMPETITIVE SALARY:
    We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

    JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
    We have no time to train you.

    CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
    We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

    MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
    You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

    SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
    Some time each night and some time each weekend.

    DUTIES WILL VARY:
    Anyone in the office can boss you around.

    MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
    We have no quality control.

    CAREER-MINDED:
    Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

    APPLY IN PERSON:
    If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

    NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
    We have filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

    SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
    You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

    PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
    You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

    REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
    You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

    GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
    Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.

    I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
    I've used Microsoft Office.

    I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
    I pilfer office supplies.

    MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
    I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

    I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
    I blame others for my mistakes.

    I'M PERSONABLE:
    I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

    I AM ADAPTABLE:
    I've changed jobs a lot.

    I AM ON THE GO:
    I'm never at my desk.



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