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Corporate Lingo

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by okie, Aug 12, 2004.

  1. okie

    okie GT Mayor

    64,670
    1,525
    Oct 28, 2001
    Muskogee Ok.
    Translations of Corporate Lingo...

    COMPETITIVE SALARY:
    We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

    JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
    We have no time to train you.

    CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
    We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

    MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
    You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

    SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
    Some time each night and some time each weekend.

    DUTIES WILL VARY:
    Anyone in the office can boss you around.

    MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
    We have no quality control.

    CAREER-MINDED:
    Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

    APPLY IN PERSON:
    If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

    NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
    We have filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

    SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
    You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

    PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
    You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

    REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
    You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

    GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
    Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.

    I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
    I've used Microsoft Office.

    I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
    I pilfer office supplies.

    MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
    I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

    I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
    I blame others for my mistakes.

    I'M PERSONABLE:
    I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

    I AM ADAPTABLE:
    I've changed jobs a lot.

    I AM ON THE GO:
    I'm never at my desk.



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