I feel for you. When I first started carrying, having one in the pipe freaked me out too. It took some time, and even changing to a gun that has a safety. Even with the safety I still managed to come close to shooting my bum. A good holster preferably kydex would be your friend if you want to carry hot. I carry hot now and always will. Get some good training and I bet you will get over it. Also being afraid to carry hot might also be a good indication that you highly value life and it makes you realize that you may one day have to really use your gun. The only use of a gun is to kill. Perhaps some martial arts training and a good can of mace would serve you well instead?