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Best lines from fruitcakes and intoxicateds?

Discussion in 'Cop Talk' started by WilyCoyote, Dec 24, 2011.

  1. What are some of the best lines from people you've encountered that are high out of their minds or crazy?

    Recently,I contacted a guy who was curled in the road in the fetal position high out of his mind on shrooms. On the way to the detox center, he tells me..."You know, I'm writing a sequel to The Bible."

    "Really?" I reply, "What are you going to call it?"

    (Without hesitation) "Bible II"
  2. Kahr_Glockman


    Feb 26, 2005
    I'm going to be Rick Perry's running mate.

    He is still in jail on several charges and a mental health hold.

  3. eracer

    eracer Where's my EBT?

    Apr 5, 2011
    Tampa, FL
    "I'm perfeckly saber."
  4. Sam Spade

    Sam Spade Staff Member Lifetime Member

    May 4, 2003
    "It's not so much the alcohol, it's the drugs."

    Driver's explanation of his lack of driving skill in a DUI DRE investigation.

    "Officer, I'm much too drunk to walk." Different driver, same circumstances.
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2011
  5. TBO

    TBO Why so serious? CLM

    "He just ran in the woods, I wasn't driving".
  6. Dragoon44

    Dragoon44 Unfair Facist Lifetime Member

    Apr 30, 2005
    One guy, habitual DUI license revoked forever led us on a chase when caught out driving. He sped home jumped out of the car and stood in his yard and yelled, "Ha Ha I made it home now you can't touch me!!"

    After he was dogpiled a Deputy who also happened to be married to the guys sister put him in his backseat through the window, IIRC the Sheriff made him pay for the broken window.


    A DUI that refused to exit the car, after asking him if there was a medical reason he could not get out of the car and he replied "no", I asked him why he would not get out of the car, His response was, "Because I am to damn drunk to stand up".
  7. Mayhem like Me

    Mayhem like Me Semper Paratus

    Mar 13, 2001
    Not a chance
    Had a Lady in best Buy ask Me if a Sony Bravia was a good TV......................She was hot and was texting....I ran away.....
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2011
  8. Mayhem like Me

    Mayhem like Me Semper Paratus

    Mar 13, 2001
    Not a chance
    Had a guy pull up to me at a Sobriety road check with a joint hanging out of his mouth lit..

    I asked him If he had any Marjijuana,, his words...

    " Only Dopes smoke dope"

    I said Yup and removed the dubie from his mouth, "go ahead and put this thing in Park"

    His response "thats my girlfiends weed"
    I just started to laugh....
  9. CJStudent

    CJStudent Fenced In

    Nov 3, 2005
    Something tells me I missed a good thread.

    As to the OP, I know I've got some good ones from working bars; I just have to dredge them up.
  10. vanilla_gorilla


    May 31, 2005
    Officer Gorilla: "So you want me to give you a ride home because you're too sick to walk home, but you weren't too sick to walk to the club?"

    Drunk: "I felt better at the club."

  11. cowboywannabe

    cowboywannabe you savvy?

    Jan 26, 2001
    ive had those before just recently.:rofl:
  12. CUHCS13


    May 19, 2011

    Outdoor Hub mobile, the outdoor information engine
  13. smokeross

    smokeross GTDS Member #49

    May 15, 2011
    You did miss a good one. You've got to check their teeth.
  14. wprebeck

    wprebeck Got quacks?

    Oct 20, 2002
    Mm..looks like heaven
    Woman comes into where I'm working off duty, with two homeless folks in tow (this particular store is next door to a homeless shelter).

    Looks at me and tthe clerk, and asks the dumbest question I've heard in almost 12 years of doing this job:

    "Do you think its OK if i take them in tonight? They don't have anyplace to go"

    I guess it worked out for her, since I didn't see a rape/murder on the news the next day.

    In other news, we have the black Jesus in my city. That's what he calls himself, anyway.
  15. BL33D 4 M3

    BL33D 4 M3 SDMF

    Nov 19, 2005
    Chicago/North Burbs
    "But officer, I'm just tryin' to get me a 'nuther pop"
  16. DaBigBR

    DaBigBR No Infidels!

    Oct 28, 2005
    Circling the wagons.
    "It's okay, I'm down here with people I work with."

    Stated by a guy with a work permit who was an hour from home or work, drunk, out with work friends, about sixty seconds before he took off, ramped his car off of a ravine, and then bailed on foot. He was basically uninjured and picked up three felonies in the process.

    "I'm going to cut your dick off, put it in a bun, and shove it down your throat."

    Stated by an absolutely crazy person to a coworker. The response from the officer was "good luck finding a bun that big."
  17. Sharky7

    Sharky7 Boomshakalaka

    Feb 21, 2009
    Drunk guy ended up crapping himself while fighting with us during the arrest for DUI....It gets better.

    So, we give him a tyvek suit to put on since his pants are covered in his own dookie. Tyvek suits are big one size fits all paper style suits that make you look like an astronaut. He ends up falling asleep in the suit and when I woke him up about 30 minutes later to give a breath sample, he says he is a "moon man" and starts hopping around in slow motion telling me he is Michael Jackson. I told him that is the moon walk, not a moon man. He says "same thing you idiot." So, I then showed him what the moonwalk looked like.

    Fast forward 6 months for the DUI trial. Prosecutor is reviewing the booking room video and asks me why I am moon-walking while the drunk offender is hopping around in slow motion in a big white suit.
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2011
  18. vanilla_gorilla


    May 31, 2005
    I was laughing before I got to this part, but picturing this one just broke me up. :rofl:
  19. Sam Spade

    Sam Spade Staff Member Lifetime Member

    May 4, 2003

    Starsky and Hutch. Two dragons. That was you?

    Starsky. Sharky. Hmmmm.

  20. TBO

    TBO Why so serious? CLM

    Moon walking proves you are a flat foot.