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A little Wisdom from Andy Rooney:

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Eddie C., Sep 21, 2002.

  1. Eddie C.

    Eddie C. Administrator Moderator CLM

    5,094
    25
    Feb 21, 2002
    State of Confusion
    Subject: Fw: FW: Andy Rooney
    >
    >Into all of our lives a little laughter must fall and I believe thats why Andy Rooney was put on earth...He is the beam of laughter that makes life worth while.......Enjoy.
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > 1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
    >
    > "Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
    >
    > =================================
    >
    > 2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
    >
    > Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
    > prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners
    > into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
    >
    > I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think
    > they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
    > electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
    > that's hooked up to the generator.
    >
    > =================================
    >
    > 3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
    >
    > My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I
    > noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
    > "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark
    > their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh
    > scent out of your clothes.
    >
    > ==================================
    >
    > 4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences :
    >
    > Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in
    > the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the
    > women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'
    >
    > It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic
    > nerve.
    >
    > ===============================
    >
    > 5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
    >
    > You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
    >
    > Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It
    > costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know."
    > Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone)
    > "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up
    > for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone
    > sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
    >
    > ===============================
    >
    > 6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
    >
    > My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
    > They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus
    > Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
    >
    > =================================
    >
    > 7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
    >
    > My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
    > Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
    >
    > Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that
    > dollar she gave you for your birthday.
    >
    > ===============================
    >
    > 8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
    >
    > Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
    > answering machine? "
    >
    > Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too.
    > The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep.
    >
    > "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive,
    > your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
    >
    > =====================================
    >
    >