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2006 Headlines of the Year

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by StoneGiant, Dec 22, 2006.

  1. StoneGiant

    StoneGiant

    561
    0
    May 31, 2003
    Derry, NH
    Source


    2006 Headlines of the Year



    • [*] Speed of light warfare using lasers is already being tested. Army brass impressed, has already threatened terrorists that we can fill their homes with popcorn at a moment's notice


      [*] Russia hears NASA is going to the Moon. Asks for ride, offers gas money and snacks for the trip


      [*] Researchers discover skull of 5 million-year-old primate. Reportedly had engagement ring for Anna Nicole Smith (pic)



      [*] Breakthrough in quantum encryption uses polarized photons to transmit data. Suck it, Turing


      [*] You could get a good look at alternative fuel by sticking your head up a cow's ass, but let's take Japan's word for it


      [*] Iranian researchers claim to have cloned a sheep. Matt Drudge reporting the sheep is capable of carrying up to a 10 megaton warhead


      [*] Today is the anniversary of the big blackout of 2003. Experts say that it probably won't hap


      [*] Study shows three out of four women would rather get a plasma TV than a diamond necklace. In other news, only one in four women can keep their husband from signing her name on surveys


      [*] NVidia's Quadro Plex 1000 renders 80 billion pixels a second for a mere $17,500, none of which will keep you from being pwned by a 15-year old in Quake 4


      [*] Obesity vaccine shows promise, although superglue taken orally does the same job


      [*] Gigantic "titanosaur" fossil discovered in Argentina. He must have been a biatch on that ark


      [*] Bullied mice show how brain reacts to social stress, start developing plans to take over the world


      [*] Intact tomb found in Egypt's Valley of the Kings. Dick Clark called in to identify the mummies' bodies


      [*] Apple slashes iPod prices; found them surprisingly easy to slash, cut, scratch, dent, break


      [*] English police launch project allowing homeowners to mark their property with globs of sticky DNA to thwart burglars, but not in the same way you've been making that sweatsock absolutely theftproof


      [*] Astronomers find nearby "galactic highway," hopefully not to be demolished soon to make way for a Vogon hyperspace bypass


      [*] Rolls Royce forced to look overseas for engineers after finding British graduates are so underqualified they can't understand why electricity doesn't leak out of a light socket when there's nothing plugged into it


      [*] Scientists develop once-a-day pill to "cure" Alzheimer's. However, its true effectiveness is only measured by what happens when patient takes it 17 times a day


      [*] Chinese claim progress in fusion; achieve required high temperatures simply by microwaving Hot Pockets


      [*] Researchers develop robot hand that's controlled by human thought, making a huge leap in Dutch Rudder technology


      [*] Scientists have found a way to turn prostate cancer cells against themselves. Rectum? Totally killed 'em


      [*] Microsoft to challenge Google Earth with its own "Virtual Earth". Of course, the entire planet will show as water, except for Fatal Exception Island


      [*] Agent Orange exposure tied to ills in Vietnam vets. In other news, Get Down Tonight by KC & The Sunshine Band reached #1 on the charts this week, and Gerald Ford is expected to grant a full pardon to Richard Milhous Nixon


      [*] Ability to dance helped Neanderthals survive the Ice Age. Same genes would also allow cavemen to become lawyers in today's world, even though it would confuse and frighten them


      [*] Women who wear stiletto heels higher than five inches are reducing their fertility, claims scientist who really should just STFU


      [*] North Sea oil companies to use compressed CO2 to force oil to surface, shoot their eye out


      [*] The biggest obstacle to a better body is your brain, says recent scientific study from People That Have Never Heard of Hostess Fruit Pies Before


      [*] Scientists have developed a sensing device to indicate when UFOs are present. Old method of waking up with no memory and a sore ass determined to be unreliable


      [*] Scientists unveil superstrong artificial muscles that are 100 times stronger than the real thing. Soon your computer will literally beat your ass at Solitaire


      [*] Hoping to predict eruptions, researchers translate patterns in volcanic behavior into sound waves. Reportedly sounds like "Send more virgins if you want to live"


      [*] Scientists unveil female robot that responds to 1000 commands, which is 1000 more than your girlfriend responds to


      [*] NASA to announce "significant find" on Mars at press briefing tomorrow. And by "significant find" they mean "ooooh, this rock looks a little bit like a puppy"


      [*] Scientists study how sperm gets into an egg. One of the key factors appears to be vodka


      [*] World's first quantum-based computer can be asleep and awake at same time and answer questions it was never asked, just like most of your co-workers


      [*] Eating disorders can now be diagnosed from a hair sample. Nitrogen deficiencies means anorexia, caked-on vomit means bulimia


     
  2. Steve Koski

    Steve Koski Got Insurance? Millennium Member

    7,059
    1
    Jan 31, 1999
    Montanuh
    SG - Some of those are really really good! Thanks.