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The Call That Haunts You?

3K views 55 replies 39 participants last post by  Flatfoot 
#1 ·
I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe it will be helpful to me or someone else. I'm sure all of us have that one call that haunts us. That one call that we just can't forget at will.

Mine is a rape where I was initial responding. I couldn't help wonder if their wasn't one damn thing I might have done that would have prevented it. I don't know and I know it isn't healthy thinking but I guess I can't help it. Normally I wipe most of work out of my mind while I'm off but I can't help thinking of this one. It wasn't the first rape/sexual assault call I've had but the details of how she was already living in fear of her neighbors knowing just the kind of area she was living in really struck me. It's an area I'm already very agressive in but it just raises that thought all the same. What could I have done possibly to prevent this?

It is also the reason I took time off this weekend. Felt I needed extra time to clean guns, hang out with normal people, and get my mind right again. I actually feel a bit better and am going to sleep soon so I can hit the range to instruct some early.

What is your call you can't seem to get out of your mind?
 
#2 ·
A few.

My coworkers dead on the ground.

A 22 year old woman whose husband dropped dead for no apparent reason.

A 4 year old with gonorrhea from her uncle.

A triple murder trying to plug holes in one victim knowing it was pointless.
 
#3 ·
Held a nurse in my arms with a fatal head wound. She talked to me the entire time. She died in my arms waiting on the helicopter. The doctors said there is no possible way she was conscious after the accident.

Held a 15 year old boy in my arms after a LRN .38spl passed through one chamber of his heart. He died in my arms in the middle of a busy street. Traffic was passing by me the entire time. I watched the ER doc spread his ribs and massage his heart attempting to see if the damage could be repaired in time for plasma transfusion. I remember she looked more like a butcher than a doctor. She absolutely would not give up on that kid. She had no help in the room, she was by herself except for one nurse that kept getting sent off to find this or that throughout the entire time.

I was first on scene at a botched burglary. The burglars though no one was home, but a 19 year old girl was asleep in bed. Instead of leaving, the four of them got the idea to gang rape her. She came running out to me while the four bad guys went out the back window. Dispatch had an open 911 line through the whole thing. I never mustered the strength to listen to the call. We trailed them to an abandoned trailer in a wooded area. The Sgt had to restrain me while the rest of the guys went in to arrest them. He knew how bad I wanted them, and what would have happened if anything went south. He probably saved my career and my freedom by keeping me out of that.

So yea, I got a call or two that has stuck with me. All of these calls were in my younger years. I seem to not be the first on scene for much these days.
 
#4 · (Edited)
Brazoria County in the 1970s. A head on collision. Wife loaded in first ambulance and rolling (critical but survived). Loaded dad and his employee into second ambulance. I can still hear him screaming "my baby, my baby, oh my god my baby" when he realized the baby wasn't going. It was just a couple of months old. Mom was holding the baby in her arms. No seatbelt or car seat requirements back then. At least death was instantaneous. The funeral home buried the baby and told them they could pay for everything if they ever had the noney (they were roofers from Michigan here during a construction boom). I had nightmares about it for years.
 
#5 · (Edited)
I
Brazoria County in the 1970s. A head on collision. Wife loaded in first ambulance and rolling (critical but survived). Loaded dad and his employee into second ambulance. I can still hear him screaming "my baby, my baby, oh my god my baby" when he realized the baby wasn't doing. It was just a couple of months old. Mom was holding the baby in her arms. No seatbelt or car seat requirements back then. At least death was instantaneous. The funeral home buried the baby and told them they could pay for everything if they ever had the noney (they were roofers from Michigan here during a construction boom). I had nightmares about it for years.
I had thought that the "my baby my baby", was a thing of the movies or TV, until it happened to me on a scene. I think it was 84? It is still with me, among others. Remembering the feel of a co-workers casket I was a pallbearer for is there for keeps as well. He is in my pic above my screen name on the Left.
 
#6 ·
For me it's the kids, like the 2 year old that was brutally tortured to death and her body dumped like a sack of garbage at our ER.

The killers, her own parents, lived in another county and thought that dumping her in ours would prevent them from being identified. But I found them. Both are serving life sentences. I have but to close my eyes and see that childs bruised and battered face.

Another is the five year old trapped in the wreckage of his drunken mothers vehicle. His pleading voice saying he just wanted to go home. He died before he could be freed from the wreckage.

I can't remember the faces of those that tried to kill me. I can't forget the faces of the children that died senseless and or brutal deaths.
 
#7 ·
I've told it before...doper got into her dealer's supply. When she found out he was after her, she got a babysitter --her brother--and went to the casino. They shot the bejesus out of him on the couch. Little boy took one to the leg hiding his sister under the bed. He never told them where she was...

A couple others I'll tell someday.
 
#8 ·
Odd. I can't remember the faces of anyone that has tried to kill me but the one child abuse I did the initial on that a child died sticks with me. I just try not to think about it much and to this day I don't know what happened to the parents. When it got turned over to the investigators I told them to let me know if they had any questions about the initial but I didn't want to know what happened after and they left me alone about it.

I've been fortunate not to have a coworker die from violence. Only retired friends so far from natural causes. As close as I have been was a local girl working EMS that died from a drunk driver striking her head on. I was called out of my jurisdiction to the scene to keep the driver away from the other EMS workers on scene until the highway patrol showed up to take over. He tried talking to me and I told him it was in his interest to shut up until the trooper showed up. My only reason for being there was to protect him from the other EMS workers but that was someone I knew he killed so I was not his friend nor wanted to talk to him. To this day I tell some of our younger first responders about her to try and dissuade them from getting motorcycles. She was young, beautiful inside and out, had that type of personality that just draws you in, and literally had a wonderful life in front of her. I don't know why that one doesn't bother me more though. Maybe because I did see some small amount of justice when that drunk driver went to prison later on.

The more I think about it it's the ones I feel I could have possibly done something to prevent somehow. Or the ones where I feel justice isn't likely.
 
#13 ·
I've been the CISD once or twice. The most recent had me sitting in front of a local legend. This dude literally retired at 40 years on and was not a sack of ****. I remember him sitting in front of him, almost embarrassed to be troubling him with my bull****, only to hear him tell me that it was ok and that he'd experienced the same thing in his career.

That was a very impactful moment. To hear this grizzled old vet share that experience with me..
 
#14 ·
Less than one year out of the Academy acted as pallbearer for my best friend from my company. He was voted least likely to be killed in the line of duty by the class. He was an FAA certified aircraft power plant and airframe mechanic, going right into aviation. He and his pilot were killed when a seaplane taking off from the Hudson river climbed into their tail rotor.

2007 Surf; crackhead dad can't take the wailing of his 3 month old crack gestated baby boy. The apartment is typical project cinder block construction and they're on the 14th floor.

He picked the child up by the ankles and swung him head first into the wall. I was the Sgt. on the scene. My cops wanted to kill him. Ordered them to secure mom and the crime scene and I would transport.

Took the stairs, and he fell down every flight from 14 down to 1. Rear cuffed.

Held a shot cop in my arms trying to convince him he was going to be OK to keep him from going into shock.

The worst was 9/11 of course. Lost five friends in the space of two hours.
 
#15 ·
***Took the stairs, and he fell down every flight from 14 down to 1. Rear cuffed.***

It's a well known phenomena that the bigger the dirtbag the clumsier they are!


I lost track of the number of child molesters and wife beaters that spontaneously slammed their heads into the trunk and hood of my patrol car. I mean it was almost pavlovian the way they would just start slamming their heads into the car, I deduced they must have really hated patrol cars.

[emoji41]
 
#16 ·
The kids were always the worst...................

I attended a Domestic Violence seminar where Gavin DeBecker was trying to sell a program (Mosaic?) to the NYPD. It was supposed to be able to predict with great accuracy whether a couple would wind up being involved in domestic violence and to what degree.

Anyway, the thing that he said that stuck with me the most was that in domestic violence cases the woman was a victim during the first assault. For every one after that she was an accomplice.
 
#17 ·
Just like y'all, I've seen the horrors of the job and still had to soldier on. I must be thick-skinned because I'm not haunted by any of them...at least not yet.

A family of 7 killed on the interstate and all of the other horrific accidents, a barely walking boy pushing a toy lawnmower who was backed over in a church parking lot(head flattened), suicides with guns and the one guy who ran in front of a truck tractor(splattered to nothing), drive-by shooting deaths and/or horrible injuries from them, gang fight stabbings, clubbings, shootings, etc etc etc.

I don't know about y'all's traffic unit, but our guys have to be at the autopsy for any death(s) they investigate. I still have never had to attend, but I bet those scenes are hard to deal with.

Hopefully, some button isn't pushed inside me where I get hit by the ton of bricks that is dangling over me. So far, I can sleep at night with no haunts.
 
#18 ·
I've seen my share of death and destruction and have buried my share of partners, but the one that really got to me was a young man that I didn't even know. He died one night in a senseless and unnecessary tragedy, and I was called by my men to meet them at the hospital. They explained to me what had happened, and they needed my help in finding a next of kin, and making appropriate notifications. We were able to get a phone number to a possible relative, and I made the call. I roused a person out of his sleep and I identified myself, explaining that I needed to come speak to them face to face on an urgent matter. What happened next is what haunts me to this day... The male on the other end identified himself as a Sheriff's Lieutenant, and that he could tell from the tone of my voice that something tragic had happened. He asked me "man to man" to please tell him exactly what happened and not to wait for an in-person notification. I summoned all the courage I could muster and I tried to say that his son had passed, but it only I came out as a whisper. For the next few moments, I lost my voice, but he came to my rescue. "It's not your fault. Tell me where he is, and I'm on my way..."

He arrived with his wife and daughters. I met them at the emergency room door, and he asked to speak to me in private, out of earshot of his family. That's when he asked for additional details. I told him the best that I could in my failing voice, and I admired his composure and bearing. After all was said, he grabbed me by the arm and thanked me profusely for my professionalism. He then turned to me and said, "Now give me the strength to tell my family he's gone.. They don't know yet.." All at once, a huge burden had been taken from me, and he showed me what a consummate professional that he was. In another time and place, I think I could have worked for this man.

A few weeks later, a commendation arrived at the station. He had written me a commendation for the caring and compassionate manner in which I handled the passing of his son. It's now in my permanent personnel record and I'm reminded of this event every time I see my package.
 
#19 ·
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/2012_Aurora_shooting

This probably had a hand in pushing me out of uniform. More than I care to admit. I spent five hours wading through hell. When I got back to the station, I realized that the blood of who knows how many people had soaked into my Fechheimer pants and into my underwear.

I took my badge and name tag off, balled up the rest, including $300 Danners, duty gear, etc and threw it all away in the bio bag in our crime lab.

I attended a debrief last week, just after the fourth anniversary. There were hundreds of attendees from all over. Aside from the presenters (APD Commander and DC), I was the only responder in attendance. They asked toward the end if anyone present was dispatched that night. I raised my hand, thinking there would be a bunch, but I was alone.

They thanked me for my efforts that night as the pictures of the victims rolled passed on the screen. For the first time, I cried. It was somewhat embarrassing, but I couldn't stop.

I compartmentalized that night into a memory, over the course of the last few years. I didn't realize how devastating it was until this last week. I'm told there are an untold number of APD and other coppers that have been racking up EAP invoices and dealing with substance issues, as well as some retirements and resignations.

I know what they taste like now.
 
#22 ·
Thus far, I don't have any that "haunt" me. There have been a few I had to reach out, for help, to deal with. A few members of this board have received phone calls. True gentlemen, who I am thankful for.

The first five years, I didn't seem emotionally impacted, by any of it. For some reason, having a child was a game changer. I now have emotions I never had, before. And they are not the tough kind.

The last few years, when stuff has bothered me, I've been able to find an effective outlet. I've found myself "going full circle" with tragic events/situations. Reference the backpack I found. It took 48 hours, but I finally experienced fear and sorrow, over what that incident had potential to become.

There is a major difference. Before daddyhood, I never worried about what could have happened, just what did happen. If it was bad, oh, well, crap happens. Learn from it, and move forward. Now, I sense the enormity of what could have happened. Lean from it, and let the gravity of the emotion release, on its own time, before I move forward. But, it's not a conscious process.

Crying. I cry now, sometimes. Once again, since my son was born. A few hours after he was born, he pulled a Code Blue. THAT got the tears flowing. Since then, I bet I've cried more than I did from ten years old to twenty-seven years old. I'm thirty, now.
 
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#24 ·
You never forget the dead kids but the one that will always haunt me is the one I could of saved. Call came out of a three year old kidnapped from his driveway. A citizen witnessed and followed talking to dispatch. I set up on the road to let him come to me rather then heading toward him and having to make a U-turn in heavy traffic and starting a chase before other units or a chopper could respond. My plan was to try to follow without pushing him into a pursuit. About the time he should of passed my location the citizen notified dispatch that he was spotted by the kidnapper and turned onto the highway and headed across the state line at a high rate of speed and he couldn't keep up. Next day kid is found in a park dead. If I had driven toward the suspect and got into chase the outcome would of likely been bad but at least the kid wouldn't of suffered being molested and strangled, car crash would of been quicker. The guy was caught and convicted but what a waste of a young life.
 
#25 ·
Working as an EMT at the time, got a call to a vehicle vs. pedestrian on a 2-lane highway, 45mph zone. Arrived first on scene to find a car driven by a teenage girl, who had struck a 6 and 8 year old brother and sister when they chased a ball into the road. Sister took a flight to Orlando, and subsequently died. Brother rode in my truck as my partner worked him in cardiac arrest to the closest hospital. Dad rode up front with me. I explained the gravity of the situation, and the likelihood that his son wouldn't make it, and that his daughter was critically injured. He told me that if his other baby died, he wouldn't be able to live. Went back a couple shifts later to cut him down from a tree.

A few years later, working as an ER nurse. Young guy, 30-ish. Hospice patient who has an inoperable tumor in his chest, wrapped around his aorta. Gonna die, soon, but not soon enough. Hospice was unable to get his pain under control, and called 911 in a panic. This guy arrives on the stretcher, pale, pouring sweat, howling and moaning in pain. He had already had enough morphine to make a horse stop breathing. We stepped it up to Dilaudid, Demerol, and Fentanyl, Valium, and Versed. NOTHING touched this guy. The whole time, he's just howling like a gutted wolf. Doc gets online with the ethics and risk management folks, discusses the situation with the family, and writes me an order I'll see forever. "Propofol drip IV. Titrate til screaming stops. Do Not Resuscitate."

Those two are the ones that got me. Some of you may remember a case in Florida (of course) where a pet burmese python got out of its cage and ate a baby. The medic on that scene is one of my best friends. Ya see and do some damnable things in this line of work.
 
#26 ·
You never forget the dead kids but the one that will always haunt me is the one I could of saved. Call came out of a three year old kidnapped from his driveway. A citizen witnessed and followed talking to dispatch. I set up on the road to let him come to me rather then heading toward him and having to make a U-turn in heavy traffic and starting a chase before other units or a chopper could respond. My plan was to try to follow without pushing him into a pursuit. About the time he should of passed my location the citizen notified dispatch that he was spotted by the kidnapper and turned onto the highway and headed across the state line at a high rate of speed and he couldn't keep up. Next day kid is found in a park dead. If I had driven toward the suspect and got into chase the outcome would of likely been bad but at least the kid wouldn't of suffered being molested and strangled, car crash would of been quicker. The guy was caught and convicted but what a waste of a young life.
That could have just as easily gone the other way. Guy saw you and scooted, you were unable to get turned around to initiate the pursuit. Terrible, either way. Sorry, you have to deal with this.
 
#27 ·
Guys, your stories are why I'm seriously glad that I have never worked traditional patrol/detective jobs. For my first 13 years, I was inside the jail. Yeah, I've seen ****ed up ****, but most of it is gross - not tragic like the stories here.

Having been in this spot for the last 3 years, the chances that I'll run into something are much greater, but since I'm not chasing radio calls, not so much. Yeah, there's always the chance that I walk into something really bad in a house (our guys found a kilo of cocaine, $50,000+ in cash, and a gun about two weeks ago,for instance), but that's more random than anything.

So, my hat is off to you - and, glad I don't have those stories to tell. Hope I never do, to be honest.
 
#28 ·
I am still very green so I do not have much to contribute. but day 2 of FTO we had a call for suicide attempt while sitting at a house fire a few blocks away. after running code over there my FTO and I jump out of the squad and go to make entry thru the front door. once there the neighbor shouts "he is around back!" not knowing if it was committed or not, we head around the side of the house toward the back. one side of the house is clear, and we reach the back of the house. as we reach a cut out behind the house I remember seeing something laying in the gound next to the A/C unit. I remember thinking to myself "why on earth do these people have a CPR dummy in their back yard?" I look up to see my FTO clearing the last corner and pointing at the CPR dummy.

upon closer examination it was our suicide. I then noticed the shotgun next to his head resting against the home. I really, genuinely thought that it was a CPR dummy, he was that shade of white. he'd been there for a few hours. never did tell my FTO that. for a week straight whenever my alarm went off the memory of his face was the first thing that popped up in my head.

one of the things I both love and hate about this job is the constant emotional ride you are on, from super high to super low. one day we served a warrant in a part of the county with basically nothing but low lives. the way these people live is unimaginable. I remember thinking there was nothing good to ever come from this corner of the county. later that night (aka early AM next day) we had a death scene call. Elderly woman was deceased in her hospice bed in residence. everyone on scene was hysterical as could be imagined but I will never, ever forget the few family members who were so composed, praying to god for strength and things of that nature. It made me realize there are truly great people out there in every neighborhood. I will never forget my FTO asking them all if they'd like to pray before we left, holding them all in a big circle and saing a prayer. really moved me, seeing how grateful they were for that. he's a great guy. I thought I was a good people person, until I met him. he never ceased to amaze me with how well he could handle any situation with people and convince them and "guide" them into the right course of action. I learned a lot, and will still have much to learn from him.
 
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