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Old 08-07-2014, 19:59   #1
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How Much Can A Person Take? Prayers Maybe? I Apologize for Venting.

I am normally silly and clown around a lot, but I am really hurting at the end of my rope. In the past few months it seems as if my world has collapsed around me.

My wife has had some serious health issues, almost lost her leg, twice in the past 5 months. We are talking about 4 surgeries to save it. When you mix uncontrolled diabetes and smoking, the results are not good. After the first surgery, I took over as head chef around here, and we got that blood sugar under control. We are talking a 12.5 A1C reduced to a 6.8. I know that is not a great A1C now, but at least it was under control.

Unfortunately, seems to resent me at the level of existing. She says that I am horrible and trying to starve her. My goal though all of this is try to save her life, and save limbs. She sees it differently, she sees it as me being mean by denying her carb-rich foods. Her doctor said "keep it under 60 carbs per day". That is what I have done... and it works. Unfortunately, this seems to make me the "bad guy"

Now she has completely stopped even checking her blood sugar. I have asked her numerous times to do so. I am only met with remarks, and generally being told to fornicate with myself. Everything out her mouth seems to be prefaced by "You can't even________" and "If you were any kind of husband you would________". It has been almost 5 months that I have spent every moment waiting on her hand and foot, trying to hold onto a job, and dealing with another issue that is my worst nightmare realized. I have actually recorded one of her "fits" and showed it to a mental health nurse who was appalled by her behavior, but she really has gotten nowhere on upping the antidepressant medications. Her mental health nurse pretty much begged her to check the blood sugar at least once a day (Dr's orders were twice a day), and she will not even do that. She threatened to kill herself over me just saying that you need to take some responsibility and do some of these things for yourself. (The things she can do, like making phone calls etc...) Any time I try to have something, like church, she will have one of these fits and ruin it for me, causes me to not even want to go.

Her wonderful family, who in her eyes can do no wrong has washed their hands of her. They did come and visit for a while, but no more. They borrowed money from me... and have since fallen off the radar. They asked for money because their traveling 2 hours to see her put a financial strain on them until payday.... now I have stopped even hearing from them. Lesson learned on my part there, if somebody says they will pay you back on the 30th... they will not. They will stop calling and you will not hear from them again.

In addition to this. My mother is drawing her last breaths. She had some strange illness a couple months ago, only to find out she has advanced untreatable cancer. Hospice has been called in, so that is the prognosis. I have always been close to my mother, closer than anybody else in the world. My father, a strong man has been reduced to rubble over this. It kills me to see him hurting so much, and there is nothing I can do to help.

Either one of these situations is more pain than anybody could imagine, here I am dealing with both at the same time. I have taken some steps to make it more difficult for me to "take the easy way out". I no longer carry because I do not trust myself with a weapon. Between seeing my mom lying in a bed unresponsive, and my wife screaming at me and going through her usual song and dance this evening about how I am scum and worthless, I am thankful I no longer have easy access to any of my firearms.

I am consumed with grief about my mother, but my wife's TORMENT and BADGERING is about to push me over the edge. I do not want to do something stupid like swerve into oncoming traffic. I don't want to take the chance on ruining somebody else's life because I am being selfish. Like I said, I no longer have access to my guns I don't trust myself, it would be too easy for me. If it wasn't for the fear of Hell, I would be gone.

I hope this does not violate the TOS of the site, I need prayers to try to get through this.
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Old 08-07-2014, 20:07   #2
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I will say a good word for you, It's rough, I know my wife is in the same oat and does not seem to give a rats ass about what she eats,
You got my prayers Bud....
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Old 08-07-2014, 20:11   #3
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Costanza, people here know you to be a good guy and I know I speak for many in wishing you a speedy resolution to your troubles. We're all pulling for you and your wife. I'm sure she's just venting, too, probably scared to death and doesn't mean any bad in what she says.

Good luck, amigo. Wanna vent, send me a PM.
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Old 08-07-2014, 20:12   #4
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I am not smart enough to give you and advice, But I can say a prayer asking for so strength and guidance to get you thru this.
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Old 08-07-2014, 20:13   #5
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I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. This will sound harsh, but I say it out of genuine concern for you. Your wife wants to die and is doing everything in her power to guarantee it. You can't prevent it, you can't stop it. You can't help someone that doesn't want help. My advice to you is to focus this time on saying goodbye to your mom and supporting your dad. Your wife will either decide she wants to live or she won't.
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Old 08-07-2014, 20:15   #6
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Sending prayers your way.
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Old 08-07-2014, 20:16   #7
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I'll pray for you, and yours.

I lost my sister this year, leaving my my own oldest relative.
I only got to spend her final 3 weeks with her, after she was given maybe another 6 months to live. Those missing 5 months didn't happen, doctors don't know everything.

Other than her two grown sons (my nephews), I have no family left. My situation pales compared to yours, so I can't really give much advice. Hospice can be very helpful preparing for the inevitable, estate planning, insurance, and burial.

I just have one question about your wife, does she still smoke, or did she quit? Quitting is stressful and makes people grouchy. Not quitting in the situation you describe indicates what I consider a preference to just give up. You can't quit for her, and you can't really starve her. Just do what you can, and don't blame yourself for the failures of others.

Must of us outlive our parents, and half of us outlive our spouses, so don't forget to take care of yourself also.

Good luck, and I will actually pray for you now.

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Old 08-07-2014, 20:18   #8
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1) Prayers sent.

2) Every time (there have been many) I have ever lent someone money and never heard from them again, I've considered it money very well spent.

3) Love doesn't require that you take abuse, any more than it would require your wife to stick if you were smacking her around. There's nothing wrong, IMO, with pointing that out.

Hope things get better for you, man.
"The nation that makes a great distinction between its scholars and its warriors will have its thinking done by cowards and its fighting done by fools." Thucydides, Greek Historian
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Old 08-07-2014, 20:28   #9
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You know of all the craziness... my mother heard from several doctors, "oh no, there is no way you could have cancer".

Crazy how, what they thought was a "middle ear infection" turned out to be this. She was feeling bad and could hear her heart beating in her ear. They treated it with antibiotics accordingly. Fast forward... it was low hemoglobin levels causing the heart beating in the ear. It was causing a strain on the heart. After tons and tons of tests, "no it cannot be cancer" was repeated so many times.

They said, you have a diseased gallbladder... let's get that sucker out of there, that will fix everything. Wrong... it was gallbladder cancer that had metastasized into the abdomen by then. It was so far advanced, they can do nothing about it now. Between the time the discovered it, and talked about chemo, the cancer had already taken over the small intestine.

I know most people outlive their parents, she has had a rich and pretty full life. It kills me to see her the way she is now. Also to see my father in the kind of shape he is in. I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to tell her everything I wanted to tell her while I know she was able to hear me and respond. If there is such thing as a silver lining, that is it.
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Old 08-07-2014, 20:30   #10
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Originally Posted by RagnarDanneskjold View Post
2) Every time (there have been many) I have ever lent someone money and never heard from them again, I've considered it money very well spent.
Amen to that.
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Old 08-07-2014, 20:38   #11
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Praying for you now, Costanza.

Keep in mind that it is your wife's blood sugar levels that are doing the talking/ranting. Nothing spoken under the influence of screwed up blood sugar levels should be taken as truth. You are the good guy. Even the good guy cannot save everyone. Do what you can without sacrificing your own sanity. If you try to do so much that you burn yourself out, then you will be no help to anyone. And know that there are people praying for you.
"Don't waste your time with explanations. People only hear what they want to hear." Paulo Coelho

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Old 08-07-2014, 20:41   #12
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I agree with Geko45. I applaud your courage to post here but the reality is that this is a forum and you can vent here but that might be the extent of help from GT.

I got no problem praying for you and will do just that. You mentioned a fear of hell so I'm gonna say you are somewhat religious. I would advise that religion doesn't help too much but a relationship with Christ does. Consider talking with someone at church, it will help you vent and they can pray with you. Prayer does work, if it matters to you, it matters to God.

We all carry a cross of some sort and some carry way more than others. Be the best son you can be and the best husband you can be and realize you can't always change someones thoughts or behaviors.
There are no saints in the animal kingdom, only breakfast and dinner.
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Old 08-07-2014, 20:45   #13
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Praying for you man. I hate that you're going through this, but remember that you're not alone and you have friends all over that are pulling for you in this difficult time. If you want to talk, PM me.
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Old 08-07-2014, 20:46   #14
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I got nothing to say that can help make you feel better. But I do know from personal experience that venting (sometimes with out receiving advice) is good for your well being, and gives you a chance to get things off your chest.

So, I hope you will get some benefit from this thread and I sincerely hope things improve for both of you.

I'm sure this is little consolation, but when things seem to be piling up on you remember that statistically things can bunch up sometimes without meaning anything for the future, just randomness happening. GWG.

"Peace is that brief, glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading". Anonymous

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Old 08-07-2014, 20:52   #15
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All the best man, I have a family member dealing with cancer right now and I understand what your feeling.
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Old 08-07-2014, 20:52   #16
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Prayers out for you. I can only empathize with your situation and can't give any real advise, except to say be there for your mother. It's your final days with her and afterwards you will be grateful for them, tough as they may be.
Few men desire liberty; most men wish only for a just master. - Sallust

If you are not free to choose wrongly and irresponsibly, you are not free at all. - Jacob Hornberger
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Old 08-07-2014, 20:54   #17
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Sorry for your troubles, prayers.
Is good to vent.
They say God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but He is known to take us to the edge...
You CAN get through this, hope you choose to.

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Old 08-07-2014, 20:55   #18
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It is always darkest before the dawn my friend ... as cliche as it sounds it is true.

I could say what doesnt kill you makes you u stronger ....but I hate that one myself.

The sad sobering fact is... life does get hard for some of the good guys .....
I Feel your pain ... and your frustration.

I was close to where you are once ... and I would take walks by myself and think about all the past good times. The memories that I brought back to myself made me sad and happy at the same time.
It was my release from the torment and stress I guess.

Prayers sent !
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Old 08-07-2014, 20:56   #19
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I agree with everyone, especially Sharkey.

The hospice might be able to provide an experienced hospice chaplain, who might be better prepared than the average clergy. I was amazed by the comfort we all received before, during, and after.

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Old 08-07-2014, 21:01   #20
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I'm with geko on this one. I know it will sound harsh, but your wife is a big girl, let her do what she wants, and let her suffer the consequences of it. If she is miserable being healthy and taken care of, then let her do what she wants and let her take care of herself. If she doesn't want to do something as simple as check her blood sugar, then let her do whatever she wants.

I know I lack refinement when I say this, but I don't have much sympathy for whiny crybabies like her. If I was in your shoes, and I was doing my best to take care of my wife, and she fought me tooth and nail at every corner, and called me nasty names for trying to help her and take care of her, then I'd tell her she's a big girl and she can do whatever makes her happy. Then I'd go spend time with my mom and dad and make them as happy and comfortable as possible. If my wife died early, it'd be entirely her fault, and I wouldn't have any sympathy and I wouldn't shed any tears.

If she wants to be an idiot, let her be an idiot. Spend your time and energy with your parents, where it will be appreciated, and time well spent, instead of being resented and having your time and energy wasted.
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