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Old 09-11-2012, 10:53   #526
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Poland suffered the worst air disaster in it's history early this morning, when a small 2 seat Cessna aircraft crashed into a cemetery just outside Warsaw. 184 bodies have already been recovered, and that number is expected to increase as digging continues into the afternoon.
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Old 09-11-2012, 11:44   #527
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The world's last known, manbearpig, died in captivity today after being attacked by the vicious, cowcalfllama. The caretaker mistakenly allowed the cowcalfllama too close to the manbearpig. Although no one suspected this predatory behavior towards manbearpigs, most folks realize that cowcalfllamas are pretty benign and benevolent when it comes to being in close proximity to people and especially children.

A zoo spokesman said while too early to state what exactly happened, the zoo had already begun retraining maintenance workers on the importance of correctly hanging signs above the animals' stalls and cages.
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Old 09-11-2012, 16:39   #528
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forgiving Felix for his work with moss???
Ah! Bien sûr!

All hail the Gunderson!
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Old 09-17-2012, 06:07   #529
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On February 29th, 2015, the people paying for the retirement of everyone else officially ran out of money.

Retired folk demand that the gubmint print more money, pay the workers so the workers can pay them.
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Old 09-17-2012, 06:54   #530
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The world's last known, manbearpig, died in captivity today after being attacked by the vicious, cowcalfllama. The caretaker mistakenly allowed the cowcalfllama too close to the manbearpig. Although no one suspected this predatory behavior towards manbearpigs, most folks realize that cowcalfllamas are pretty benign and benevolent when it comes to being in close proximity to people and especially children.

A zoo spokesman said while too early to state what exactly happened, the zoo had already begun retraining maintenance workers on the importance of correctly hanging signs above the animals' stalls and cages.
The Cowcalfllama was later eaten by another creature, the Crocadatscund. The result of years of experiments in plastic surgery, the Crocadatscund - named Sammy - is most famous for defeating the vicious hybrid Siberian Wolf in the first International Dogfighting Championships, held in Moscow. Championship dog fighter and veteran of both the NFL and US Penal system Michael Vick said "That dog (the Crocadatscund) was vicious. I don't know where they found that thing or what they did to it but, after seeing it fight I got out of dogfighting completely. I just couldn't put one of my beloved dogs in the pit with that, knowing they had no chance of winning or even surviving the fight."

The Crocadatscund is not expected to be punished. As one of it's trainers (no one is sure of it's gender as everyone is afraid to check) that's just "Sammy being Sammy."
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Old 09-17-2012, 11:30   #531
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(Excerpt from Wikipedia)

"Richard swinging contests",

initially rather harmlessly shortened to "Dick swinging contests",

were all the rage in the south in the 20's. It all started in the summer of 1919 in New Orleans as Richard Douglas (10, at the time) and his friend Richard Smith (8, at the time), made a match out of who could propel himself the highest on the old wooden swing on the front lawn.

This little match, watched on by neighbors, quickly caught on and became a rage throughout the suburbs, quickly spreading throughout the entire south in the early 20s, for a brief moment displacing cow tipping as the pastime of choice.

With its huge popularity, Dick swinging contests were soon regulated under the now defunct SDSCA, the Southern Dick Swinging Contests Association.

By 1924, the entire sport of Dick swinging sadly fell into disrepute with accusation of widespread steroid abuse, resulting in a Congressional Hearing in August of the same year and the disbanding of the SDSCA, and all it's activities, by November of 1924.

To add insult to injury, the term "dick swinging" later became associated with the practice of males measuring their genitals as a way of asserting their manliness.

The term's negative connotation was only further cemented with an on-stage phenomenon termed "The Helicopter" as popularized by the punk/rock band The Red Hot Chilly Peppers in the mid 80s (graphic reference, discription and photograph removed by Wikipedia).

On his deathbed in September of 2009, Richard Douglas was reportedly overheard to say, "if only we weren't both called Richard, this crap would have never turned out the way it did..."
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Old 09-17-2012, 19:07   #532
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The owner of the only undefeated animal in world dog fighting history, Crocadatscund, said services for his beloved champion will be closed to immediate family members, trainers, and those betting whales, orcas, and dolphins that came to be known as Crocadatscund's Memphis Mafia.

Investigators into this tragedy advises that no one may ever know how a diamondmouthed, cottonbacked rattlemoccasin snake gained entrance into Crocadatscund's sleeping area, but the bite from this deadly serpent was too much for him and he quickly succumb to the poison's effect.
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Old 09-30-2012, 22:34   #533
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Another Thesaurus fossil has been found in Pensacola, Florida.

Mr. Darrel Roget Johnson, the leader of the recovery expedition, advises that the remains of the fossil, a Thesauria according to experts at the dig site, will take at least 15 years to recover.

They could actually get it out in two weeks, but since it is a government project, they have decided it will take over a decade to free the discovered bones.
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Old 10-01-2012, 00:45   #534
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Through the ground-breaking work of Felix Gunderson and his dedicated team of tireless researchers, it has been conclusively proven that a rolling Lone_Wolfe gathers no moss.

This astonishing conclusion required over a decade of careful experimentation. It was delayed because Lone_Wolfe was occasionally reluctant to roll down a mossy hill. And then there was the whole, "I won't roll unless my dressing room has exactly 37 red M&Ms at all times."

There were also incidents where Lone_Wolfe insisted on being called lobo solitario and when asked to commence the experiment, growled, "No mas!"

For their work, Gunderson and his team were allowed to keep the M&Ms that weren't red.

Science is hard.
Only 37 M&M's??? The hell with that!
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Old 10-01-2012, 04:50   #535
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Don't be greedy.

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Old 10-01-2012, 14:26   #536
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Don't be greedy.



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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
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Old 10-01-2012, 19:30   #537
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A recent study shows a direct link between squeezin the Charmin and Rutabega tea.

77 Accountants were given Rutabega tea 27 times a day over the course of 3.8 months. The accountants were then asked to work their hands with hand grips to check for grip strength.

The accountants quickly destroyed the hand grips with excessive hand-wringing. In an attempt to calm down the remaining 66 subjects each was given a roll of Charmin to squeeze 44 to 68 times per day.

While no direct correlation was seen, there was casual observation that the accountants squeezed the neck of their captors...err technicians 17 less times a day.

Further observation indicated that the mortality rate of the technicians was reduced by half after squeezin the Charmin ensued. (However results are inconclusive because the size of the technician sample was reduced by 87%)

Further studies are needed and a new grant proposal is being written by the remainders of the team.
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Old 10-02-2012, 01:34   #538
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The state department announced that Rupert T. Beckendish III, a horologist, outspoken nudist, and former streaker from the 70's, has left America today for the country of Iran.

Mr. Beckendish advised the state department, when applying for a visa, that he is accepting Iran's invitation in order to assist them with their atomic clock program; however, recent revelations of the growing popularity of people streaking in Iran is thought to be the real reason for Mr. Beckendish's travel to the country.

A TSA staff member, who spoke on condition of anonymity, advised that while going through Mr. Beckendish's luggage at the airport, he found but one suit along with two, latex Richard Nixon masks and 12 pairs of tennis shoes. Notably, 6 pair of the tennis shoes were sized 13EEE, which just happens to be the exact size of mahmoud ahmadinejad's feet.

When reached for comment, mahmoud ahmadinejad, instead of commenting, simply kept smiling as the reporter had forgotten to bring along a translator.
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Old 10-04-2012, 16:26   #539
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In an effort to solve all of the concerns about the Generation 4 Glocks, Gaston Glock assigned several employees to research the problem. They proceeded by taking a NIB Glock and stuck it in the mud by a pond for a week. When the gun was retrieved it fired without any flaws.

They then took the gun and tied it to the rear bumper of a truck and drove for 20 miles. At the end of the trip, they racked the slide and the gun fired flawlessly.

The next step was to take the gun onto a helicopter and dropped it from a thousand feet. Once again, the gun fired without fault.

Finally out of frustration, they field stripped the gun and replaced all of the OEM parts with aftermarket parts. The results were FTF, FTE, FTRB, and the dreaded "Brass to the head." After a piece of brass fell behind a testers glasses and burned his cheek, he was last seen heading for the furnace mumbling something about a pig nose.

In an effort to satisfy disgruntled customers, Glock will began importing the G25, G28 and a 13 round G36 starting January, 2013. This information can be seen on Glocks newly updated web site.

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Old 10-05-2012, 22:26   #540
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"Love 'Em All!!! Let Jehovah sort 'em out." - The Holy Bible
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Old 10-06-2012, 17:14   #541
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The Big Bang Theory and the Infield Fly Rule are one in the same.
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Old 10-06-2012, 18:03   #542
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The disputed play in the Cardinals ( ) and Braves ( ) was not as it appeared to the fans, the TV audience or the witless announcers.

When Simmons popped the ball up toward short and as Kozma and Holliday were closing in, a man in the year 2145, who was an antique firearm collector, fired his vintage Glock 20 at a dinosaur. At that exact instant, in 1951, Bobby Thompson smacked a Ralph Branca fastball deep into left field.

What folk in both ball games could not know is that the Bobby Thompson homerun ball was sucked into a space-time rupture caused by the Glock 20 fired in 2145 and the Simmons popup fell into a small singularity caused by the same shot heard around the space-time continuum.

Both Cardinal players momentarily lost sight of the vanished ball when gravity increased to 10e6 times normal. They reacted when the Bobby Thompson homerun ball appeared over their heads, but alas, to late to catch it. That is why the Thompson homerun ball has never been seen since that moment in 1951. It's in 2012.

The Simmons popup will appear in the final game of any World Series that the Chicago Cubs win - or never, whichever comes first.

The dinosaur escaped without injury.
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Old 10-06-2012, 23:30   #543
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The Big Bang Theory and the Infield Fly Rule are one in the same.
They both had the same end result.
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Old 10-06-2012, 23:34   #544
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The disputed play in the Cardinals ( ) and Braves ( ) was not as it appeared to the fans, the TV audience or the witless announcers.

When Simmons popped the ball up toward short and as Kozma and Holliday were closing in, a man in the year 2145, who was an antique firearm collector, fired his vintage Glock 20 at a dinosaur. At that exact instant, in 1951, Bobby Thompson smacked a Ralph Branca fastball deep into left field. ...
OMG! Hippies are dying! :rofl :rofl
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Old 10-06-2012, 23:36   #545
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Originally Posted by tous View Post
The disputed play in the Cardinals ( ) and Braves ( ) was not as it appeared to the fans, the TV audience or the witless announcers.

When Simmons popped the ball up toward short and as Kozma and Holliday were closing in, a man in the year 2145, who was an antique firearm collector, fired his vintage Glock 20 at a dinosaur. At that exact instant, in 1951, Bobby Thompson smacked a Ralph Branca fastball deep into left field.

What folk in both ball games could not know is that the Bobby Thompson homerun ball was sucked into a space-time rupture caused by the Glock 20 fired in 2145 and the Simmons popup fell into a small singularity caused by the same shot heard around the space-time continuum.

Both Cardinal players momentarily lost sight of the vanished ball when gravity increased to 10e6 times normal. They reacted when the Bobby Thompson homerun ball appeared over their heads, but alas, to late to catch it. That is why the Thompson homerun ball has never been seen since that moment in 1951. It's in 2012.

The Simmons popup will appear in the final game of any World Series that the Chicago Cubs win - or never, whichever comes first.

The dinosaur escaped without injury.
Whew....

Thanks for the laff Tous!
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Old 10-07-2012, 10:31   #546
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The disputed play in the Cardinals ( ) and Braves ( ) was not as it appeared to the fans, the TV audience or the witless announcers.

When Simmons popped the ball up toward short and as Kozma and Holliday were closing in, a man in the year 2145, who was an antique firearm collector, fired his vintage Glock 20 at a dinosaur.

The dinosaur escaped without injury.
The enraged dinosaur, sobered by his close brush with 10mm death, undertook the assassination of Gaston Glock. Due to financial restrictions, he could not afford decent people for the attempt. The subsequent attempt to kill Gaston by hammer strikes on a parking garage was a total fiasco.
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Old 10-07-2012, 10:43   #547
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The enraged dinosaur, sobered by his close brush with 10mm death, undertook the assassination of Gaston Glock. Due to financial restrictions, he could not afford decent people for the attempt. The subsequent attempt to kill Gaston by hammer strikes on a parking garage was a total fiasco.
However, the incident frightened the usually sober, unflappable Glock. Dodging hammer blows and fetid dinosaur breath, he promised the annoyed reptile that he would never manufacture a single stack pistol or a carbine.

The dinosaur agreed and subsequently, was cast as an extra in Jurrasic Park I through XXIV. The dinosaur lives a comfortable life in West Hollywood and has yet to marry Jennifer Aniston. It just seem as thoygh everyone else in California has.
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Old 10-07-2012, 11:21   #548
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Make up a historical fact

Obama has been crowned king of America and the constitution was burned on the white house lawn as Michelle laughed and said "Now I am for real proud of America"
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Old 10-07-2012, 11:32   #549
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Obama was the first black president. Truth is Abe Lincoln was first black president and that was why he was shot.

Also, JFK has a hidden sex tape with Marilyn Monroe lodged in the White House.

Sent from my Android
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Old 10-09-2012, 15:07   #550
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However, the incident frightened the usually sober, unflappable Glock. Dodging hammer blows and fetid dinosaur breath, he promised the annoyed reptile that he would never manufacture a single stack pistol or a carbine.

The dinosaur agreed and subsequently, was cast as an extra in Jurrasic Park I through XXIV. The dinosaur lives a comfortable life in West Hollywood and has yet to marry Jennifer Aniston. It just seem as thoygh everyone else in California has.
There's a little known footnote to the Gaston/dinosaur rapprochement. The dinosaur's movie career is actually a cover story. The Dino gets a kickback of 35 cents on every American civilian Glock sale, payable weekly into his Cayman Island account. It adds up to significant moolah over the years.
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