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Old 08-23-2012, 23:00   #451
Peace Warrior
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Regardless of the type of rattle snake (e.g., diamondback, sidewinder, etc.), the rattlesnake will always stop rattling its tail before it is going to strike. As long as it's rattling, you are safe to take another closeup photo.
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Old 08-23-2012, 23:42   #452
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"It was a terrible case of mistaken identify" proclaimed NeverMore1701, when making a statement to police about the theft of his AR15, 5 pistols, some really sharp butter knives and one claymore. He advised for some reason he still had his K-bar.

Startled awake by someone banging on his door, NeverMore1701, after tactically peeing on his own person, loaded out with above gear and made his way to living room. He expertly, and of course tactically, sliced the pie around every corner in his home.

Even though it was a straight shot down the hall to his living room and the front door, NeverMore1701 chose to go around the whole house as it made him feel like a real operator clearing all the other rooms first.

Upon opening the door, the UPS delivery girl made him sign a electronic tablet device. Unbeknownst to him at the time, as he was signing, the UPS girl was placing stickers on his weapons and boxing them up.

By the time he realized what had happened, the big brown van was already going down the road. He tried to give chase, but the stealthy location he had chosen for the K-bar prevented him from attaining a speed equal to that of a hover-round wheel chair on low batteries.
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“After a shooting spree, they always want to take the guns away from the people who didn't do it.” - William S. Burroughs
"Nothing we're gonna do is going to fundamentally alter or eliminate the possibility of another mass shooting or guarantee that [our gun ban legislation] will bring gun deaths down..." - VPOTUS Joe Biden
"Love 'Em All!!! Let Jehovah sort 'em out." - The Holy Bible
"You gonna pull those pistols or whistle Dixie?" - Josey Wales

Last edited by Peace Warrior; 08-23-2012 at 23:45..
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Old 08-23-2012, 23:49   #453
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A man in another state, after having to make an online order for a new bravia due to leaving his previous one at his ex girlfriends place, instead received an AR15, 5 pistols, claymore and some really sharp butter knives.

The man has no clue as to how UPS made such a mistake.
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“After a shooting spree, they always want to take the guns away from the people who didn't do it.” - William S. Burroughs
"Nothing we're gonna do is going to fundamentally alter or eliminate the possibility of another mass shooting or guarantee that [our gun ban legislation] will bring gun deaths down..." - VPOTUS Joe Biden
"Love 'Em All!!! Let Jehovah sort 'em out." - The Holy Bible
"You gonna pull those pistols or whistle Dixie?" - Josey Wales
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Old 08-23-2012, 23:53   #454
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Franklin Roosevelt's greatest quote:

"the only thing we have to fear is--EVERYTHING!!!! PANIC AND RUN FOR YOU LIFE!!!!"
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Old 08-24-2012, 00:03   #455
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WW2......contrary to popular belief was not because of genocide. However instead because the bastards threatened to never make Sig firearms.

I have made this post on my phone. If I spell like a two year old. Blame Android. Not me
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Old 08-24-2012, 00:38   #456
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And Obama is a love child of the rev. Jesse Jackson!
That might actually explain why young Jesse Jackson Jr is suffering from severe depression.
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Old 08-24-2012, 00:39   #457
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Yugo is a classic American car that was well built and ahead of its time.
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Old 08-24-2012, 01:15   #458
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Here is a creepy one.

Mark David Chapman (John Lennon's assassin) John Hinkley Jr. (President Reagan's attempted assassin) David Berkowitz, (Son of Sam killer) and Sirhan Sirhan, Robert F. Kennedy's killer, all went to the same school and had the same english teacher who had worked behind enemy lines for the OSS arranging the assassinations of high ranking french officials who cooperated with the Nazis during WWII
And Jeffrey Dahmer worked in the cafeteria...
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Old 08-24-2012, 06:08   #459
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Re: OP. Based on reports... baraq obama was born in Hawaii as a U.S. citizen.
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Old 08-29-2012, 10:07   #460
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After a record breaking 86 grueling hours on the operating table, and after flying in countless surgeons from around the world on supersonic spy planes, an 8 year old Dallas resident has been moved to the local mayo clinic's ICU.

Little Johnny awoke to hugs from his mother this morning after his 86 hour long ordeal. It started more than four days earlier when Little Johnny was "fixing" his dad's old "Operation" board game.

Although not clear as to exactly how at this time, Little Johnny managed to swallow the game's buzzer intact. Dr. Ding Ling Cho, a neurosurgeon and native of Sweden, was the first surgeon to successfully make entry into the boy's small intestine area and remove the the game piece without it making that "BUUUZZTTT" sound.

As the rules state, once the buzzer went off, someone else got a chance at performing a successful operation, which ultimately led to this 86 hour long ordeal.

Little Johnny is expected to make a full recovery.

..
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“After a shooting spree, they always want to take the guns away from the people who didn't do it.” - William S. Burroughs
"Nothing we're gonna do is going to fundamentally alter or eliminate the possibility of another mass shooting or guarantee that [our gun ban legislation] will bring gun deaths down..." - VPOTUS Joe Biden
"Love 'Em All!!! Let Jehovah sort 'em out." - The Holy Bible
"You gonna pull those pistols or whistle Dixie?" - Josey Wales

Last edited by Peace Warrior; 08-30-2012 at 06:19..
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Old 08-30-2012, 08:35   #461
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Oliver Damme, a jeweler out of Minnesota, was secreted away by the FBI to an unused and derelict ICBM bunker today after having what is known as a "caliber war" on the internet.

Mr. O. Damme, while insisting that the 9mm was a speedy fast missile of death and destruction given the right placement, also posted that The Mighty 10mm was too heavy and too expensive to be a viable or practical option for most people who CCW.

Less than three minutes after posting, the small Minnesota town Mr. O. Damme lived was being bombarded by indirect fired 10mm rounds. There have been numerous casualties, but since the FBI made it known that Mr. O. Damme had been removed from his home, the shelling has stopped at least for now.

Based on the trajectories of radar tracks, NORAD advised that most of the deadly rounds were launched from over 400 miles away. The investigation is ongoing.
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“After a shooting spree, they always want to take the guns away from the people who didn't do it.” - William S. Burroughs
"Nothing we're gonna do is going to fundamentally alter or eliminate the possibility of another mass shooting or guarantee that [our gun ban legislation] will bring gun deaths down..." - VPOTUS Joe Biden
"Love 'Em All!!! Let Jehovah sort 'em out." - The Holy Bible
"You gonna pull those pistols or whistle Dixie?" - Josey Wales
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Old 08-30-2012, 08:46   #462
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Update:

An Air Fore maintenance contractor has reported the tragic destruction of an old missile bunker. Upon arrival to take out some copper lines, the contractor advises he drove up on a horrible sight.

There was huge crater where the missile bunker had been previously. Cadaver dogs searching the site that evening found the remains of six, undercover FBI agents and one Minnesota man.

Although hundreds of feet deep and inside what was thought to be a impregnable missile bunker, a 10mm round, landing less than a half mile from the bunker itself, was able to completely destroy the entire sight and occupants.
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“After a shooting spree, they always want to take the guns away from the people who didn't do it.” - William S. Burroughs
"Nothing we're gonna do is going to fundamentally alter or eliminate the possibility of another mass shooting or guarantee that [our gun ban legislation] will bring gun deaths down..." - VPOTUS Joe Biden
"Love 'Em All!!! Let Jehovah sort 'em out." - The Holy Bible
"You gonna pull those pistols or whistle Dixie?" - Josey Wales
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Old 08-31-2012, 00:45   #463
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There was huge crater where the missile bunker had been previously. Cadaver dogs searching the site that evening found the remains of six, undercover FBI agents and one Minnesota man.

Although hundreds of feet deep and inside what was thought to be a impregnable missile bunker, a 10mm round, landing less than a half mile from the bunker itself, was able to completely destroy the entire sight and occupants.
Upon further investigation, forensic analysts and ballistics experts are starting to cast doubt on the theory that this damage was done by a 10mm.

The presence of IDENTIFIABLE remains makes it unlikely that so potent a caliber as a 10mm did this damage. If it WERE a 10mm, then it would be one of the wimpy commercial loads that are a bane on the 10mm existence. The best bet is that it was a lesser device, such as a 10 megaton detonation, that destroyed the silo. With the collapse of the old Soviet Union, you can now find such gizmos at Wal-Mart, if you know the secret handshake.

P.S.: Air Force contractor, my tush! It was a looter looking for copper to sell at a metalyard to finance his next high that found the mess!
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Old 08-31-2012, 01:00   #464
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John F. Kennedy used Marilyn Monroe like a plastic **** doll.

Edit to add:

D'oh! I pulled an Okie...
"Oooooops I miss read the thread titleThe Okie Corral"

Last edited by frizz; 08-31-2012 at 01:01.. Reason: I pulled an Okie...
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Old 08-31-2012, 02:00   #465
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Pocket Knives

When Crocodile Dundee famously said "that's not a knife...THIS is a knife" few realized that the invention of the collapsing (or as some choose to call it folding) knife had reached it's apex.

While it may appear he had this knife behind his back, he actually pulled it from his watch pocket....

thus the term 'watching it unfold' came from
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Old 08-31-2012, 09:49   #466
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Quote:
Originally Posted by samurairabbi View Post
Upon further investigation, forensic analysts and ballistics experts are starting to cast doubt on the theory that this damage was done by a 10mm.

The presence of IDENTIFIABLE remains makes it unlikely that so potent a caliber as a 10mm did this damage. If it WERE a 10mm, then it would be one of the wimpy commercial loads that are a bane on the 10mm existence. The best bet is that it was a lesser device, such as a 10 megaton detonation, that destroyed the silo. With the collapse of the old Soviet Union, you can now find such gizmos at Wal-Mart, if you know the secret handshake.

P.S.: Air Force contractor, my tush! It was a looter looking for copper to sell at a metalyard to finance his next high that found the mess!
Not a direct hit. It landed just under a 1/2 mile away.

Wait, you're right, there's just no way it could have been the Mighty 10mm.


(Psssst: I told the media guy I was an Air Force contractor...)
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“After a shooting spree, they always want to take the guns away from the people who didn't do it.” - William S. Burroughs
"Nothing we're gonna do is going to fundamentally alter or eliminate the possibility of another mass shooting or guarantee that [our gun ban legislation] will bring gun deaths down..." - VPOTUS Joe Biden
"Love 'Em All!!! Let Jehovah sort 'em out." - The Holy Bible
"You gonna pull those pistols or whistle Dixie?" - Josey Wales
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Old 08-31-2012, 18:43   #467
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Originally Posted by Peace Warrior View Post

(Psssst: I told the media guy I was an Air Force contractor...)
Listen up, numnutz! Get your cover story consistent, and keep it that way! You foul it up, you make life difficult for ALL of us!
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Old 08-31-2012, 18:50   #468
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Oswald was the lone gunman.
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Old 08-31-2012, 19:00   #469
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Marina made Lee a lonely gunman. The “lone gunman” theory was disproved in the “Dear MstAbby” column from 1964. I thought everyone knew that. Sheeesh.
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Old 08-31-2012, 19:19   #470
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Some people eat all of their French fries before their burgers.
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2.9979E10 cm/sec -- it's not just a good idea; it's the law

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Old 08-31-2012, 19:53   #471
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Despite repeated attempts, “burgers and fries” was universally rejected by the Overlords and their consorts as a reasonable topic of discussion. Although viewed as a ”food of last resort” by the committee, the fry dipping sauce conundrum brought about an argument amongst the members that resulted in the drawing of pistols and sabers. Sadly, lives and limbs were lost. Damn the Sauce. Good men and women were lost over this worthless argument. Just dip as you please.

Back to your regularly scheduled history lesson.
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Old 08-31-2012, 20:02   #472
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There also raged a heated debate amongst the Overlords concerning the drawing of pistols and sabers. One influential group insisted that sabers first, then pistols. Another, more dissident crowd argued that pistols and sabers should be used in an interleaved fashion: slash, shoot, slash, shoot.

However, the older, wiser members noted that regardless of the sequence of arms, the sabers and pistols should be sorted by size, smallest weapon first and ascending in dimension to the largest weapon.

These senior counselors related their logic to one Arthur C. Clarke and stressed the importance of the policy, however, to the detriment of Earth and her denizens, the publishers cut it out of the subsequent book.
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Old 08-31-2012, 20:40   #473
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Regarding sabers and pistols. Both can be drawn simultaneously and with vigor.
Sorting was brought about by government regulation and that’s why we have ketchup.
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Old 09-01-2012, 23:33   #474
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Mark Twain's great-granddaughter is Shania Twain.
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Old 09-01-2012, 23:36   #475
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Justin Bieber will play Superman in the next Superman movie
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