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Old 05-20-2012, 15:48   #251
M&P Shooter
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The 9mm has never killed a man and the 45acp is so slow that everyone has outrun the bullet before it could strike them.
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I walk through the valley of the shadow of death but it's cool because my Glock 23 is loaded with 180gr HST!
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Old 05-20-2012, 17:16   #252
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At 1:54 pm EDT on July 21 1969, when the engine on the (Eagle's) Lunar module Failed to exnight, to lift Armstrong and Aldrin off of the moon surface.
Armstrong opened the lunar modules door and fired his 10 mm toward the moon's surface.
At 4:35 pm they docked with the command service module.
One hour ahead of schedule.
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Old 05-20-2012, 19:26   #253
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Hillary Clinton is hotter then Tracy Lords
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Old 05-21-2012, 05:40   #254
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Astrologist are predicting that by the year 2022, the Earth's moon will stop rotating completely and fly off into space colliding with Pluto in the year 2298.

At the present time, the experts state that they are not really sure as to all the immediate ramifications or effects this will cause for the Earth, or more importantly the Earth's orbital path around the Sun; however, recent data from a super-computer's program, which was created solely to research the phenomena of the Moon's slowing rotation, indicates that the receding of the Moon's rotation began sometime during NASA's Apollo space program.
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Old 05-21-2012, 06:03   #255
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Jimmyjoe Jimbob Delray, of Ben Fin Easton, TN, which is just outside the suburbs of Bucksnort, TN, has proven conclusively to a local judge and jury of his peers that his claims of being able to catch fish on blades of grass from his lawn were all true. The jury returned not-guilty verdicts, on all 16 counts against him, Friday afternoon.

Mr. Delray had been charged with 16 counts of false advertising after selling lawn clippings from his yard as premium fishing bait. Mr. Delay's attorney, the infamous Jackie Chiles, of New York City, NY, was quoted as saying, "The charges against my client were baseless, groundless, egregious, outrageous and preposterous. They were all clear violations of my client's constitutional rights as a retailer and small business owner. My client was not the person responsible to advise the Sheriff's brother-in-law that he actually had to use hooks when fishing with my client's premium fishing bait."
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Old 05-21-2012, 06:22   #256
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Researches from ITT Technical Institute and the Tulsa Welding School have released their preliminary findings from studies they've conducted on re-using the unburned charcoal from a previous BBQ. Although the studies disagree widely on several data points, there are some conclusions shared by both groups of independent testers.

Both the ITT and TWS studies were completed utilizing laboratory rats. Of these, both the ITT and TWS preliminary findings indicate that we should always utilize new charcoal for our BBQ's.

The findings, which again are very preliminary at this point, seem to indicate that the rats fed with food items, which were cooked over new charcoal, were able to cipher complex algebraical functions in less than three months. Conversely, the rats fed with food items, which were cooked over the reused, unburned charcoal from a previous BBQ, were all dead at the end of testing period.

However, the studies were contrary as far as to how good the dead rats tasted when cooked over new charcoal verses those dead rats that were being cooked over the reused, unburned charcoal from a previous BBQ.

At the time of this publication, both ITT and TWS are currently applying for grant monies so as to purchase more rats and charcoal for further, hopefully more conclusive testing results.
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Old 05-21-2012, 07:12   #257
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After months of reflection, former Olympic gold medal winner, down hill and alpine ski racer, Picabo [pronounced Peek-a-boo] Street, has turned in her formal resignation as a nurse to the St. Luke's Meridian Medical Center's intensive care unit, which is located in Meridian, Idaho. Ms. Street has decided instead to pursue a career as a 1st grade teacher in her former hometown of Triumph, Idaho.

Ms. Street stated that she just didn't feel as if she was being allowed to contribute to the overall success of the hospital as her supervisors were limiting her work efforts on a daily basis so she decided on a career change.

When reached for comment, the hospital's HR spokesman advised, "The only thing the supervisors asked Ms. Street to do was to allow others on the floor to answer the phone instead of her." The spokesman further added, "We tried to explain that her answering the phone, 'Picabo, I-C-U,' had been starting to give callers the wrong impression about the professionalism of our hospital's care givers."
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"Love 'Em All!!! Let Jehovah sort 'em out." - The Holy Bible
"You gonna pull those pistols or whistle Dixie?" - Josey Wales

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Old 05-25-2012, 23:44   #258
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“After a shooting spree, they always want to take the guns away from the people who didn't do it.” - William S. Burroughs
"Nothing we're gonna do is going to fundamentally alter or eliminate the possibility of another mass shooting or guarantee that [our gun ban legislation] will bring gun deaths down..." - VPOTUS Joe Biden
"Love 'Em All!!! Let Jehovah sort 'em out." - The Holy Bible
"You gonna pull those pistols or whistle Dixie?" - Josey Wales

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Old 05-30-2012, 13:50   #259
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After a many years of investigation, the NAACP is now claiming that the Koreans have been keeping the black man down all these years, by opening up small grocery stores in predominately black neighborhoods and offering the residents what they want.
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Old 05-30-2012, 13:55   #260
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Twenty one years ago today Craig Edick managed to whip the infamous Ron Bennett in a fair fight. Craig got off to a bad start when he lost his footing on the basketball court where the brawl took place. Ron was landing body shots and had Craig ready to tap out when he managed to plant an elbow in the side of Rons jaw. Ron had been terrorizing the neighborhood kids for years and his reign is now over. Craig had numerous stitches to his head and face while Ron suffered a broken jaw, requiring his jaw to be wired shut.


The real version had Ron catching me in the bridge of the nose causing me to go night night. I tried...................
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Old 05-30-2012, 14:14   #261
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I originally posted this on the Bizmark thread but expanded it here...

An expanded history of the development of the 10mm.

Many believe the 10mm was developed in the 80s, however it is much, much older. Development began in the BC era. The first prototype was used by a skinny kid named David to kill a giant. However, after this happened the prototype was lost – many thought forever.

The 10mm next appeared in post-civil war America. A talented and morally flexible archaeologist named Montana Smith (originally from Idaho) found the design on a stone carving in a cave in northern Egypt. Not realizing exactly what he had found but knowing enough to realize it could be a very powerful weapon he delivered it to an agent with the United States. This agent delivered it to researchers who began to develop a prototype. The first sample was delivered to the US Army in 1871 for testing at a top-secret testing facility in Chicago, Illinois, but there was a problem. The first round fired went through the target, the backstop, three cars, a (thankfully empty) schoolbus, three telephone poles, and eventually wound up knocking over a lantern in a barn, which was unfortunately close to the downtown area and led to a devastating fire. At this point testing ceased for years.

The project was re-visited in 1912. While the new .45 ACP was proving itself a fine weapon, the Army wanted a new weapon for a special top-secret unit nicknamed The Bearded Avengers. Several prototypes were developed and tested in a new firing range in Nevada. The first shots were fired on February 14, 1913 at Testing Bay 51 by the unit’s captain, known only as “Chuck”. The first round not only destroyed the paper target but the recoil was so great that “Chuck” actually dropped the weapon.

The development was not unnoticed by foreign powers. The Germans especially were interested in this new weapon and, in 1935, placed several spies within the community where the weapon was being developed disguised as housecats. These spies passed information on to Germany who was able to reverse engineer a copy they called the 10.1mm Walther. This weapon was actually used on the Bizmark and Tirpitz battleships but had an oversleeve as a disguise.

The actual 10mm as a personal sidearm was deployed with the 101st Airborn division in a modified 1911 made of a top-secret (at the time) steel to allow it to take the pressures. There is a documented case of one being used to destroy three German Tiger tanks that foolishly lined up right in front of the shooter. The scene is the inspiration for the end of "Saving Private Ryan" where Miller destroys the tank with his sidearm (it was modified and the plane added to make it more "believable").

The 10mm was a promising round with a bright future. However, the CIA, KGB, MI-6, along with the UAW, PTA, and NASCAR, all decided it was too powerful for civilians to be able to own and supressed any record of it's existance. They were only partly sucessful as a 1911 10mm barrel and a box of ammo was found in Jerusalem (not far from the sight of Jesus' tomb as it turns out). Testing was done and the round was re-introduced as a "new round" (as the history had been surpressed). The aformentioned CIA/KGB/MI6/PTA/NASCAR alliance, along with new members NFL and McD's, have fought to supress this round but have only had marginal sucess.

The battle continues to this day.
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Old 05-30-2012, 15:09   #262
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It was well after his death that the title "Alexander the Great" was first used. Research has shown that, while he was alive, he was referred to by his subjects as "Alexander the Mediocre"

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Old 05-30-2012, 15:41   #263
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The scientific term for Bigfoot, "GIGANTANTHROPUS CRYPTICUS", literally translates into "Big hairy thing that is only afraid of Chuck Norris".
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Old 05-30-2012, 16:47   #264
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Christopher Columbus' fourth ship, the Cinco De Mayo , was lost with all hands in the fall of 1492 just 20 miles south of the Cervasea Islands. The log from Columbus' ship indicates that no one noticed anything wrong with the ship, but it sailed away over the horizon and was lost. Columbus' own entry reads in part, "It's as if they started sailing north and away from the group on purpose."
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"Love 'Em All!!! Let Jehovah sort 'em out." - The Holy Bible
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Old 05-30-2012, 16:54   #265
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Quote:
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Christopher Columbus' fourth ship, the Cinco De Mayo , was lost with all hands in the fall of 1492 just 20 miles south of the Cervasea Islands.
Historians dispute your conclusion that all hands were lost. There is solid evidence that they made it to Cuba; their descendents opened the Copacabana Night Club (the hottest spot north of Havana) and kept it going until Battista fell and Castro took over.
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Old 05-30-2012, 18:46   #266
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Oil on the moon

There's oil on the moon and plenty of it. Neil Armstrong's initial steps were on solid ground but in those dark shadows were tar-pits. He and Buzz Aldrin inspected them off camera and brought back samples, including the bones of a saber-tooth tiger.

Tar-pits mean oil. On the second lunar landing further exploration was done and geo-physical tests were run. They told everyone that they were researching the presence of earthquakes on the moon...not true. They were looking for salt domes that hide vast quantities of oil. And they found those salt domes...all over the place.

This is the real reason the Space Shuttles were taken out of commission servicing the Space Station. They have been retrofitted as tankers and will soon be supplying the Navy, Army and Air Force with light sweet crude from the moon.

Then they will be expanding to the commercial market, just like the Space Station and then we can all laugh at the high prices of oil knowing that we have a lock on moon oil.
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Old 05-31-2012, 06:31   #267
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A Myan whose name has been lost to history was working on a calender. He worked dilligently until one day his chisel broke. "No problem", he thought, "I'll just go get another one from the tool crib." So he goes to the tool crib and asks the tool crib attendant for another chisel.

"Do you have the proper requisition forms?" the attendant asked him.

"No, I just need another chisel. Here's the broken one to prove I'm not trying to steal a chisel."

"You still need the proper forms, signed by your manager."

So, frustrated but not wanting to argue any longer, the calender-maker goes to his manager.

"[Boss], I need a new chisel. This one broke."

"How did you break it?" the manager asked

"I was just chiseling my calender. I've had the same chisel since I started 2,187 moons ago."

"You should take better care of your tools. The new chisel will come out of your pay." said the manager.

"WHAT!!! I've been using this same chisel for much longer than anyone else here. I sharpen it dilligently. I don't abuse it. STUFF WEARS OUT!!!!"

"I don't care, you're still paying for the new chisel."

"Forget this! I quit!!!!" said the calender maker.

However, the calender maker was the only one who really knew how to make a calender. The manager, not realizing this, was now in a pickle. He asked another chiseler (who knew a little about calender making but not enough to do it on his own) to finish the calender.

The new chiseler tried to complete the calender but had to report to his manager that he could not do the job. "I'm sorry boss, I just can't do it."

"Well, what can we do?" said the calender maker.

"Just chisel some end-of-the-world BS at the end and call it good." said the boss.
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Old 05-31-2012, 07:49   #268
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The German battleship Bismarck was actually just a surfboard for Jesus when he got bored. Then he tricked it out, and things got slightly out of hand.
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Old 05-31-2012, 13:03   #269
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"Yes, GPS would have been a great help to us, but all the GPS transmitters were on the Cinco De Mayo the day she and her crew were lost." - Christopher Columbus (My Personal SOS, autobiography, page 143)
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Old 05-31-2012, 13:16   #270
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Few are aware of the secret history and nature of the internet itself.


Now the secret is revealed.
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Old 05-31-2012, 13:18   #271
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Up till this year, credit for writing the song, Take This Job and Shove It, has been given to David Allen Coe. This is the very same song that stayed at number one spot on the country charts after Johnny Paycheck released his cover of the song as a single in 1977 or 1978.

Recently discovered documents, found in an old file cabinet by Jarrod and Brandi as they were going through a foreclosed storage locker, seem to indicate that David Allen Coe was actually inspired to write the song during his college days while working part-time as a Professor's assistant.

During his college days, Mr. Coe assisted on a dig near and old Mayan factory. Around this time, he found some clay tablets with writings etched into them. The writings themselves, appears to have been made with an ancient precursor to today's modern pencil. Although all of the tablets have not been completely deciphered, what experts now know is that Mr. Coe found several tablets created by what most archeologists believe was a disgruntled calendar maker at the Mayan factory.

These tablets also give insight to the factory's day to day operations. Currently, experts are in agreement that the Mayan supervisors were sticklers for proper paperwork protocols as well as being doggedly persistent when it came to properly filled out requisitions for hand tools.

Two of the worker's tablets which were deciphered by Mr. Coe and his professor are still missing to this day.
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“After a shooting spree, they always want to take the guns away from the people who didn't do it.” - William S. Burroughs
"Nothing we're gonna do is going to fundamentally alter or eliminate the possibility of another mass shooting or guarantee that [our gun ban legislation] will bring gun deaths down..." - VPOTUS Joe Biden
"Love 'Em All!!! Let Jehovah sort 'em out." - The Holy Bible
"You gonna pull those pistols or whistle Dixie?" - Josey Wales

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Old 05-31-2012, 13:23   #272
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"Yes, the internet is made of cats. Some of 'em ain't that bad either." - Okie
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“After a shooting spree, they always want to take the guns away from the people who didn't do it.” - William S. Burroughs
"Nothing we're gonna do is going to fundamentally alter or eliminate the possibility of another mass shooting or guarantee that [our gun ban legislation] will bring gun deaths down..." - VPOTUS Joe Biden
"Love 'Em All!!! Let Jehovah sort 'em out." - The Holy Bible
"You gonna pull those pistols or whistle Dixie?" - Josey Wales
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Old 05-31-2012, 14:45   #273
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In ancient Rome there was a guild of artisans known as "scratchers". these people made their living making artistic scratchings on the pewter utensils of the day. The wealthier the individual the more scratched objects they were likely to own. One particularly wealthy client had a new set of wares made to commererate his wedding anniversary each year. The cups in the set were scratched with "I" for the first year, "II" for the second, "III" for the third.

Before his fourth anniversary the client came into the shop and asked for something "a little different" for the next set. The boss was not at work that morning due to the fact that he was celebrating his own daughter, Ivy's, birthday with the family. His workers were huddled together trying to figure out what to do for the client that would be different.

When the boss walked in the shop and announced,

"Ivy is Four"

the history of the "Roman Numeral" system was forever changed.
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Old 05-31-2012, 15:30   #274
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Eeyore, Winnie the Pooh's melancholy and somewhat negative, down in the dumps donkey neighbor, was found not guilty on charges of embezzling funds from Ashdown Forest's tax collectors office in order to pay back child support to his four illegitimate zonies.
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“After a shooting spree, they always want to take the guns away from the people who didn't do it.” - William S. Burroughs
"Nothing we're gonna do is going to fundamentally alter or eliminate the possibility of another mass shooting or guarantee that [our gun ban legislation] will bring gun deaths down..." - VPOTUS Joe Biden
"Love 'Em All!!! Let Jehovah sort 'em out." - The Holy Bible
"You gonna pull those pistols or whistle Dixie?" - Josey Wales

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Old 06-05-2012, 09:26   #275
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barry soetoro, dictator for life of America, by way of his most recent political stances, has finally proven to the world that he is not a socialist. Upon conclusion of "his" press conference today, in which the country was simply shown a close up of the teleprompter's text by all the major networks, the dictator for life, if actually reading the teleprompter, would have said, "In the next two years I will close down the federal reserve and bring us back to a paper currency that is based on America's holding of precious metals."

Enraged, bill maher immediately called the bank and cancelled his last contribution check of $1,000,000.
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“After a shooting spree, they always want to take the guns away from the people who didn't do it.” - William S. Burroughs
"Nothing we're gonna do is going to fundamentally alter or eliminate the possibility of another mass shooting or guarantee that [our gun ban legislation] will bring gun deaths down..." - VPOTUS Joe Biden
"Love 'Em All!!! Let Jehovah sort 'em out." - The Holy Bible
"You gonna pull those pistols or whistle Dixie?" - Josey Wales

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