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Old 11-12-2009, 03:54   #1241
Peter95
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what happened? well.... hope you feel better soon!
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Old 11-12-2009, 06:30   #1242
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
Well I slept for 3 hours, that's more than I been getting so I'll take it.


Happy Thursday Morning from Baghdad.
Better watch that! Sleep isn't good for your insomnia!
















































It is however, GREAT for the rest of you.

And pretty great for us to hear!!!

Love, prayers and gentle

Hawk
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Old 11-12-2009, 09:49   #1243
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
Well I slept for 3 hours, that's more than I been getting so I'll take it......
Out-flippin'-standing!
That is awesome to hear,.....how are you doing otherwise?
Weather ok? Son-in-Law made it home Wednesday for his mid-tour.
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Old 11-12-2009, 10:17   #1244
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Slobberchops View Post
Hey Slobberchops


Quote:
Originally Posted by engineer151515 View Post
Perhaps.
PM to you

ATOY's prayer is lovely.
Got your PM, yes Iíd like to hear those stories. And back.
And I agree about the prayer.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bumpadrum View Post
Indeed, Happy Veterans Day Sister.

Still praying daily for your complete recovery.
Youíre not the only one praying, and I thank you.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Glock26girl View Post
Yay, three hours of sleep!!! You are gaining.
Gosh, I admire you, LW. You are pushing right through all of the sludge...do you know how many people just bury their sludge? You are facing it, taking it on and you are winning. You are inspiring me to perhaps do the same. I have been a buryer my whole life. If it bothers or hurts me, I bury it. What you are doing is so much healthier, just getting it out and dealing with it. The thought of that terrifies me. You will always be my hero for showing such determination, integrity and fearlessness (not meaning you aren't afraid, but you are pushing through your fears and facing them.) You are a precious girl. God is sooooooooo answering prayers!!! : hugs:
Hey Iím a buryer too, I never wanted to face all this crap! It hurts way too much, Iíd much rather push it aside and ignore it. Problem is it was just so much that I couldnít. I canít even function like a normal person these days because of it. Between having to be knocked out in order to sleep and the sometimes crying non-stop and the crazy PTSD induced reactions to people around me. Not to mention the times when I didnít know who or where I was. What all that means is I have no choice but to face it if I ever hope to be a productive member of society again. Hell, I donít even have that much choice, itís coming out anyway.
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RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
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Old 11-12-2009, 10:22   #1245
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Old 11-12-2009, 11:17   #1246
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Hope you be Ok dear



I'm working on that part, hon.
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RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
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Old 11-12-2009, 14:21   #1247
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Peter95 View Post
what happened? well.... hope you feel better soon!
Got a while?



Quote:
Originally Posted by faawrenchbndr View Post
Out-flippin'-standing!
That is awesome to hear,.....how are you doing otherwise?
Weather ok? Son-in-Law made it home Wednesday for his mid-tour.
Glad to hear he got in safe! Hope he enjoys his time at home. I'm doing OK today, just kind of not letting myself think of much. Weather has been dry and unchanging for a few days now, thankfully. The physical therapy makes me hurt enough from where they're trying to improve my breathing. I don't need foul weather making it worse.. I cleared some space in my inbox for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 23skidoo View Post
Hello my dear; it sounds like you have turned the corner in regards to the nightmares. That makes very many of us on this board so very happy. You are more of an inspiration than you know. Gentle hugs my dear.
I sure hope Iíve turned the corner. This doesnít feel like itís just a break so Iím hopeful. I donít expect the nightmares to go away completely with the stuff I still have to deal with, but I can wish for that too. It really makes me feel good to come here and read comments like yours. Brings a tear to my eye. Thank you, my friend.


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Originally Posted by RottnJP View Post
I agree with BH on your dream, and his words of wisdom. Detached determination is a great way to describe what those combat docs have to manage... I don't how they manage to do it, patient after patient... Hard enough when the damage is done by an accident, let alone when every brutalized patient is a kid that someone deliberately bloodied, maimed, or destroyed... God bless them. It may feel cold and detached, but that's the only way I think they can keep from going totally insane with what man is capable of doing to other people's kids...

And yes, I also agree with BH software people can be odd, and I would add that they can smell funny if they stay in the computer lab too long (which they often do, at least in school.) But they *are* emminently logical, and I think that logic is very helpful in wading through & understanding emotional turmoil sometimes. And then there are those times my wife tells me to quit being a GD fixer and just listen... I don't do the "just listen" thing well- Listen-and-fix, Listen-and-fix: That's what I do. "If you don't need your problem fixed, don't tell me about it, cuz ima fix your GD'ed problem, woman!" ;-) But I digress...

The "Borrowed Time Club" is a funny thing. Two-time member myself. Once after being attacked by 8 ****bags, including having my skull cracked by a 2x4 (which explains some things) and when that didn't work, knifed a couple times. But by then my buddies were becoming aware of what was going on, and wading into the fray... And there's something tremendously empowering about coming through the far side of that. In my case, knowing that I held the field of battle, still standing, while they fled... Well, it's hard for anybody to drag me down in the business world now-a-days, because I've been through worse and I'm still ****ing standing.

Take some of that away- You have been on a ride/journey through the deepest, darkest parts of your soul, and are in the process of coming out the other side. Don't expect to ever be the "same" person- To attempt that would be immensely frustrating. But you may find a sort of peace and inner power and dignity that you can hold onto in your core for the rest of your life.

One of the fears my nightmares surfaced was of powerlessness and victimization. Being unable to act as I was surrounded and knifed over and over, in graphic 1st-person detail, was one of them. Part of getting past that was taking control of that fear- Acknowledging it for what it was, and after an appropriate time to make sure I was doing it for the right reasons, getting trained and armed.

In your case, I'm not sure your dream is calling for as much action on your part, as it is acceptance. Perhaps moving through that illusion of total independence/self-sufficiency and into a greater understanding of our inter-conected-ness and inter-dependence, which is a frightening thing. It sort of sounds like that's where you may, in fact, be going now. But, that's just my take based on the snapshot we see a world away, here...

I pray that you may find that place of inner strength and peace where the troubles of the world, and the noise of life, will have a harder time shaking your core, and your foundations remain secure in the knowledge of who you are, and what you are capable of... Lady_Wolfe, Princess_Wolfe, hold your head high- For you, too, are still standing.
Detached determination seems like a perfect description of what they had to be, especially the ones that treated me at first. It makes sense that the people that took care of me as I was recuperating in the hospital would be more accessible. They didnít have to wonder if their hard work was going to be in vain yet again. Now when you talk about having to take care of an abused child, wow, I donít know if I could handle that
You are both software people, Iím a software and hardware person, so I understand the need to ďfixĒ a problem when I encounter it. Thatís part of why all this can be so frustrating to me. I canít just look into my brain and click a few configuration settings and have it work again.

You came through your close call differently, but let me say Iím really glad you did. A shrink I had a few months explained it to me as the difference between ďcould have been killedĒ and ďalmost killedĒ. If your situation you managed to somehow get through it on your feet, although injured. By your own wits and skill you managed to avoid possible fatal injury. That would make me feel empowered too. In my case empowered is not really the word for what I feel. Lucky maybe. Surprised, even. As Iíve mentioned ďman and machineĒ, and I have to realize that had there been a weak link in that chain there wouldnít have been a thing I could do besides die. I mean I tried to do that several times anyway. If anything I feel just the opposite of empowered. But right now Iím not sure if thatís a bad thing.

I can understand about not coming out the same person. I went home in June for a couple weeks and while I was there I felt like I was living in someone elseís life and home. Even my friends seemed different to me. Of course that was compounded by the drugs I was on and the fact that I was hiding my problems from everyone except my friend who posts here as Silent_Runner because I donít want the rest to know. But even without that I could tell that I didnít fit the mold of who I used to be. And yeah, itís pretty dark in here.

Those dreams did force acceptance, because there was no action I could take. Iíve always preferred to either fix my own problems or know that someone was going to handle it for me if I couldnít. In this case I didnít have that luxury. Itís kind of scary to think that I was completely dependent on someone on someone who could have been less skilled or less determined and persevering. If either had been the caseÖÖ. Iím struggling with the concept in finding strength in the accepting of weakness and dependence on others. I guess I havenít figured that one out yet. I think Iíve made at least some peace with joining the Borrowed Time Club, but donít feel any strength from it. But itís true that I am still standing and thatís a start.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Brown Hawk View Post
Better watch that! Sleep isn't good for your insomnia! : rofl:

It is however, GREAT for the rest of you. : milestone:

And pretty great for us to hear!!!: cool:

Love, prayers and gentle hugs
Hawk
Iíll take 3 hours over what I got before, even if I do still wake up crying. Thatís what Mandyís for. And again last night I got the feeling I was hiding from whatever it was about. Strange, I know. But kind of fits with my trying to push things away at least for a little while. Itís like the dream was warning me that theyíre still here and waiting for me. But for now I' don't care, they can just wait.


Speaking of waiting, they're waiting for me to get my tired arse to the hospital for some serious ZZZZZZZZZZ's. Nite.
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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
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RIP Jeff (23Skidoo) - 1962-2012 and Gloria (Silent_Runner) - 1964-2013
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Old 11-12-2009, 16:17   #1248
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...my hot tub story got another victim yesterday
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There's one less tornado in Texas, a saddle is empty tonight...There's one hell of a cowboy in heaven, at the big rodeo in the sky. RIP LCpl Blake Wafford, Spc. Devon Gibbons, PFC Dean Bright, SSg Brian Craig. In the field we had a code of honor: you watch my back, I watch yours. Back here there's NOTHING.
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Old 11-12-2009, 18:05   #1249
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Old 11-12-2009, 18:12   #1250
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Old 11-12-2009, 19:26   #1251
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A little symbolism with flowers (including symbolic colors)

You, at the beginning of your journey of healing.......

Okie Memorial Area

As you are and have been working through things......

Okie Memorial Area

As you shall be once healed, never to forget what you have lost and been through, yet to be stronger than you may believe just yet..........

Okie Memorial Area


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Old 11-13-2009, 00:06   #1252
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You're still selling yourself short, honey...

I said "inter-dependent" not "dependent" for a reason...

Even if you ended up on your back unconscious, you don't make it through your experiences without something in your pre-sentient lizard-brain somewhere saying, "No, G-dammit! Not today, not this way!" Trust me, once I lost enough blood I was on my back on a gurney too. But at some level, something has to say, "I will not quit today." And it's not just the initial event I'm talking about in terms of "making it through." It's the whole journey... And every day, something has said to you, "Today is not the day I will quit. Maybe tomorrow, but not today..." And maybe some days you weren't strong enough, and fortunately you were strapped down. No matter- It all happened the way it needed to for you, and you did your part. And it's something, a set of lessons, experiences, whatever- that can take a long time to make sense of... For me, bits and pieces gelled here and there over time, and new things still do gel from time to time, almost two decades later. And you'll get to a point when you say- "Holy crap! I slept all night!" and then, "Wow, that was two nights in a row!" And believe it or not, you'll find yourself one day saying, "Damn, when was the last time I had a nightmare?" And the most ****ed up part of *that* will be that quick pang of loss- Wondering if you have lost something of yourself because something that you got so used to for so long has finally slipped away, quietly, and you took a week to notice it was gone... But it's all been up to you, to keep that fight going. How many cops, how many soldiers, have been good people, strong people, but weren't strong enough to recognize when they needed help, or the kind of help they needed, and weren't strong enough on a particular day... And the fight ends.

But you are turning the corner because of the sum-total of the choices you have made, the little battles you have won every step of the way... How could that not be empowering for you?? I said it before and I'll say it again- You hold your head up, because you have earned it. Your survival was partly dependent on other people and their machines- You have to be o.k. with that loss of self-sufficiency. But it was *not* due to those external things alone... *You* had to reach out, *you* had to hold on, and *you* had to reach out again when your grip was weak... Whether your literal grip in the dream, or your figurative grip in real life...

Anyway, I get circumspect and rambly in the wee hours...
Time for my beauty sleep. (God knows I need it. )

And I'm not *quite* a software guy- Closest I get is my IT guys telling me I'm a "good programmer, for an Engineer..." High praise in their world, while implicitly acknowledging that I smell better. I'm actually a gas-turbine guy, FWIW.

(Although my background does include non-air-breathing propulsion, and the first time someone says sarcastically, "What are you, a frickin' rocket scientist, 'er something?" and you say, "Well, actually, yes... Yes I am." Highly entertaining. )
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Old 11-13-2009, 00:12   #1253
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Old 11-13-2009, 00:13   #1254
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Old 11-13-2009, 02:46   #1255
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Dusy, we need to talk about them slippers......

Quote:
Originally Posted by MB-G26 View Post
You, at the beginning of your journey of healing.......

As you are and have been working through things......

As you shall be once healed, never to forget what you have lost and been through, yet to be stronger than you may believe just yet..........

What a nice way to look at it. Beautiful roses too! back

Now if only I looked as good as those roses.............


Quote:
Originally Posted by Geeorge View Post
The only thing worse than that is my two cats fighting to both get in there.

Glad when they grew up they gave that habit up: wavey:
Almost forgot to say hello to the lady: wavey:
One of mine liked to do that when she was a kitten. Last time I saw her she had gotten wayyyy to fat.

Hiya Geeorge!


Deadday, PM me that story please.
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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
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RIP Jeff (23Skidoo) - 1962-2012 and Gloria (Silent_Runner) - 1964-2013
FREEDOM IS NOT FREE

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Old 11-13-2009, 05:22   #1256
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young lady.
we dont know each other but reading all those post, Id say you're one of the most beloved people on the internet :D

God Bless you, and keep fighting the good fight !
You're winning !
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Old 11-13-2009, 07:08   #1257
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The only thing worse than that is my two cats fighting to both get in there.

Glad when they grew up they gave that habit up
...my Shih Tzu does this to me....she's my lil princess..
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Old 11-13-2009, 07:23   #1258
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Originally Posted by RottnJP View Post
You're still selling yourself short, honey...

I said "inter-dependent" not "dependent" for a reason...

...

Well said and worth repeating, but people can just scroll up rather than reading it again here.

(Although my background does include non-air-breathing propulsion, and the first time someone says sarcastically, "What are you, a frickin' rocket scientist, 'er something?" and you say, "Well, actually, yes... Yes I am." Highly entertaining. )
Rocket scientists are highly overrated.

I mean if you make a mistake, the thing just blows up and you go home for the night.

Now finding an infinite loop problem inside another infinite loop, THAT takes brains.

Just between us, us engineers can do pretty well on other stuff too. And with us, that other stuff is part time.

Hawk
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Old 11-13-2009, 11:55   #1259
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Originally Posted by MB-G26 View Post
As you shall be once healed, never to forget what you have lost and been through, yet to be stronger than you may believe just yet..........
So beautifully stated and portrayed MB-G26

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post

Iíll take 3 hours over what I got before, even if I do still wake up crying. Thatís what Mandyís for. And again last night I got the feeling I was hiding from whatever it was about. Strange, I know. But kind of fits with my trying to push things away at least for a little while. Itís like the dream was warning me that theyíre still here and waiting for me. But for now I' don't care, they can just wait.
.
I'm glad to hear you are finally getting at least a little sleep. Remember not to push things aside for long. You know how much problem that can cause.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 23skidoo View Post
Hello my dear; it sounds like you have turned the corner in regards to the nightmares. That makes very many of us on this board so very happy. You are more of an inspiration than you know. Gentle hugs my dear.
Yes it does make many of us happy.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Randolph da man View Post
young lady.
we dont know each other but reading all those post, Id say you're one of the most beloved people on the internet :D

God Bless you, and keep fighting the good fight !
You're winning !
I had not given this any thought but there are people who love her and some of us do in spite of knowing her.

Just kidding Wolfe. You know I love you like a sister.
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On here I'm an *** hole.
In real life I'm an *** hole with a gun. :supergrin:
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I mean, Iím mentally ill, not mentally deficient! There's a difference between psycho and stupid.
Rest in Peace Jeff Abshire-1962-2012-aka 23Skidoo
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Old 11-13-2009, 18:17   #1260
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